Name Change Confliction

This is something we had to go to therapy to discuss. My fiancé wanted me to change my name but refused to change his. Some of my compromise suggestions were to hyphenate or for us to change our names to one of our mothers' or grandmothers' maiden names. He understood my side when in therapy he said he didn't want to change his name because it was part of his identity and connected him to his family.

I get where you're coming from. I'm not changing my last name because it's part of my identity and always has been. I also don't like the patriarchal history behind the woman changing her name.

Also, you can change your name at any time. If in ten years you want to take his name, that's an option.

Totally understand. I had a bit of a crisis myself even though I actually want to change my name (I haven’t yet out of laziness). My husband has never cared if I take his name or not. We addressed everything as the “future mr & mrs” but because I thought it was cute and I didn’t mind people addressing cards that way. Remember you don’t have to do it the day after the wedding. Or anything you don’t want to do. Even though your family seems like they get to have an opinion on this. You can change your name right away, a year after or 5 years after. Or never at all!

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ALL OF THIS!

I’m not changing my name.
It’s sexist, too much paperwork, and we are not having children.

Totally agree that you don’t have to make this decision yet, and it’s very common for women to not want to change their names! There’s also a middle ground that has become popular where you socially go by one name (like sign letters, social media accounts, restaurant reservations) but legally have the other name (for example, your travel documents have to be in your legal name). Doing this socially gives you more flexibility and removes the burden of all the paperwork. But if you don’t even socially want to take your husband’s name, you definitely don’t have to! My wedding is in less than two months, and I haven’t decided what I want to do lol.

I didn’t change my name for over two years, eventually hyphenated, but still introduce myself as First-name MaidenName to most everyone. I totally get where you’re coming from and feel strongly that you should do what you feel good about.

The first thing I would do is ask your fiancé what his stance is on changing your last name, and ask him if he cares. My fiancé doesn’t really care at all, at the end of the day, it’s just a name. I really like the idea of socially changing my last name and keeping my name for all the legalities. I personally haven’t fully decided if I want to change it. The commitment to each other is truly enough for me, but you do what you think is best for you.

You should ask him how he feels about it before you worry yourself too much. One day, probably after reading a related AITA, I just casually asked..."hey babe, would you care whether or not I changed my last name?" He said it would be nice but it wasn't necessary. Great!

I knew I didn't want to change my name. It's a ton of paperwork. I am my father's only child (not that my dad cares if I change it). I recently had a paper published in a journal. I also just really like my name. I offered to hyphenate if he did as well but he said no lol.

I'm ordering the Mr and Mrs cake topper and the backdrop name sign in his last name, and he was excited to see those things! I don't really mind if people refer to me by his name socially. We also agreed that if we have children they would have hyphenated last names to avoid any confusion.

Do whatever feels best to you!

You are likely feeling this way because your last name is important to you! I think we oftentimes don’t realize it until we are faced with changing it. I never really thought about it growing up. As females, we’re raised with the concept that changing your last name is just “what you do”. But once I got engaged, I realized it was much more than that - it was giving up part of your identity and a form of connection to your family. For me it suddenly meant that I was expected to take on my husband’s identity (as if I were his property), and was now a “Jones” (his family) instead of a “Connor” (my family). That, coupled with the idea that I was “property” whose title could be transferred to a new “owner” did NOT sit well with me. So I am not changing my last name. FH was bummed at first, but once I explained it (and suggested he could take my last name- that sure seemed to put things into perspective for him! LOL), he has accepted it. Another thing to consider is the medical ramifications of changing your last name. Not only is it a huge inconvenience to try to get everything changed, it also poses medical risks. I work in the health field and I have seen
SO SO SO many times medical histories get completely messed up when women change their last name. All it takes is one secretary, admin, med records personnel, etc. to not input things correctly and part of your medical history is no longer in your record. Not to mention, most people are seen in multiple doctors offices, urgent care centers, hospitals, specialty clinics, etc. and those records will not transfer if you haven’t updated your last name (and the staff does it correctly) at every single location you’ve been seen at. Missing health information can be extremely dangerous, even life-threatening. For me, it wasn’t worth that risk either.