My Stepson & Fiancée didn’t invite me/only my husband to their wedding.

That is certainly a lot to shoulder. While I don't know what you could have done wrong, as it seems you're a lovely person who is caring and wished to help out -- I am not sure of the situation and how he came to the conclusion that you shouldn't be apart of such an important day. It, ultimately, is their decision. You seem to be understandibly upset at their decision to exclude you and I don't think you're in the wrong -- but you're also willing to set that feeling aside to help your Husband be alright with the choice and that's all you really can do. If your Husband doesn't attend, your SS will ultimately think it was your fault and you'll have even more on your plate. This is a Catch 22... it's not fair to your husband to go without his wife to something he sees as important for the both of you... but ultimately, he needs to go. There's no way I'd tell you to have him stay home, it'd definitely be even more uncomfortable for him not to attend his own child's wedding in favor of you. There's times to make a stance and right now really isn't it... you can congratulate and tell them that you will miss spending the wedding with everyone and sharing a special day with not only them but his father and let it be that. All you can do.

Who knows... they may come around? I like to think positive.

This is a decision only your husband can make. I'm not sure my mother would have attended our wedding if I didn't invite my stepfather, and the same for my husband's father and stepmother. I think it's a huge slap in the face, not only to the stepparent but also to the biological parent. Obviously your relationship with your husband's son is forever damaged and won't improve unless your stepson wants it to. Has your husband talked to him and explained that, or suggested counseling between the two of you? It kind of sounds like the rekindling of the relationship with his biological mother has caused some negative feelings towards you. I can only assume his biological mother put all these thoughts in his head, trying to convince him she is the normal/healthy one and you & your husband are the sick ones.

If I were your husband, I wouldn't attend. The insult is enormous.

View Quoted Comment Thank you and I tend to agree with you. I feel I will be blamed even more if he does not attend also. I also believe my husband will regret not attending. I just wish they didn’t put him in such an uncomfortable position-having to explain my absence to others. He has expressed not wanting to be in that position. I feel like it is a few hours of our life that will soon pass. We can hold our heads high to honor their wishes-even if they are unreasonable.

View Quoted Comment Cassandra7-very insulting!

View Quoted Comment MrsD-Yes, it feels like a slap in the face. However, I think that is their intention.

Yeah, no, I'd stay out of it. He wants you out if it, don't facilitate your husband accepting the invite. It's hugely disrespectful and your SS knows it. If I were your husband I wouldn't be going because it's rude for your husband as well. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I agree that I wouldn't want to attend if anyone did that to me, even if it were a friend to exclude my FH and vice versa (talking about PPs). However, the consequences for giving into the anger emotion seem to bring out a lot more hassle than need be. Maybe this might be a step in repairing whatever your SS thinks is broken, to be selfless and for your Husband to be there for his kid. It is a bad situation and no one likes to deal with it, most would just avoid attending. Yet, I don't think it'd be healthy for anyone to create a larger mountain if you can head it off while you have the chance. In the end, going tit for tat will get no one anywhere and you are dealing with this rather well... even if I know this hurts for you two. If you two were friends with the groom/bride, I'd say there'd be an option to attend or not, but you're parents. At this point, you two have to make a grown-up parent decision that you'd want your kids to make... and sometimes not everyone is happy with an outcome.

I really wish you luck an I hope they come to their senses and realize that his father is hurt over this. Maybe have your husband explain that this is hurtful and that he will attend -- but that he wanted this to be a family thing and you are part of his family. You might stir the pot a bit, but it could work with opening up SS to thinking about being more lenient.

Ultimately, it's really your husbands choice -- but there are consequences to every choice. Positive and negative. If he wants to do it, he can. If he doesn't think he should, I'd really let him come to that conclusion on his own to avoid marital boat-rocking if he has some regret later on.

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Honestly, I agree. It's not like you two just got married and he's butthurt as an adult about it. You raised the kid for christ's sake. Your husband needs to stick by YOU and say to his/YOUR son that if he doesn't want to accept you as his stepmom, then he won't be attending.

I'd let your husband make the choice without you trying to influence him in either direction. The choice your stepson has made is extremely rude and insulting to both you and your husband and he will have to deal with the consequences of his choices. Those consequences may include his father choosing not to attend his wedding and possibly destroying the relationship he has with his father and stepmother going forward. Oh well, hope the "It's my day" attitude is worth it to him.

I would also put a stop to all the financial support in the future since he clearly hasn't appreciated the help you have given him in the past.

Is it a possibility (since this is already a touchy situation), for your husband to attend the ceremony to be there to support his son, but not attend the reception?

I am sorry that you have been placed in this position. He obviously has a different life narrative than you do.

Wow, I can’t believe your step son would do that to you and your husband. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with such difficult emotions!! Whatever you choose to do, I hope everything works out alright in the end. This is just ridiculous though.

If my son does that to my fiancé when he grows up and is marrying, I would not attend. You’ve been married long enough that you’re an established family unit, not a new relationship. Honestly I’m surprised your husband is even considering going, as an insult to you is basically an insult to him. After all, if you were such an awful step mother, he as the father must have allowed it to happen and maybe even encouraged it (not saying that’s true, just making a point). Seems to me he’s playing games, and one can only guess as to why. But maybe it’s time to stop trying to save someone who may not be ready to be saved. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I wouldn't try and convince him to go. I honestly don't think he should. You're his wife, and you helped raise his son. You were there for the hard parts and BIO mom wasn't and is just here now for the good stuff. That's unfair to you. I would be hurt too. I would understand your husband wanting to go, but it wouldn't be right.

Thanks to everyone for all of your advice. I have been so upset and having this outlet has truly helped.
It seems that since the invitation arrived our lives, (my husband and I) have been so disrupted. We have been spun into an emotional roller coaster, wondering how to deal-what will be the outcome of his decision whether to attend or not etc. ?

At this point he feels disrespected and does not want to play into their ugly and manipulative game. I appreciate his dedication to our marriage, however, I don’t want him to make a decision he regrets. As I read your comments and think about this more, I see now just how pre-meditated this is-and that what we are now experiencing was all part of the plan.
We are so very disappointed in them.

My heart is breaking for you and your husband. When I was 11, my dad left and I officially have not seen or spoken to him since I was 14. My mom married my step dad when I was 15 and he was the one who raised me and is the only real father I’ve ever truly known. While I could never imagine my biological father entering my life, I have an even harder time imagining what he could ever say to me that would make me do to my step father what your step son has done to you.

Your step son and his fiancée are cruel. I have a feeling his bio mom has something to do with this, but I believe it is your adult step son who bears the responsibility for this decision. And for his fiancée to stand by this decision speaks volumes. It’s just so heartbreakingly cruel what they’ve done. I can’t see how you or your husband could ever repair your relationships with him.

I agree with the other posters who are saying that you shouldn’t try to influence your husbands decision one way or the other, except to only make sure that he takes time to calm down (as best as one can) and not make an immediate decision at the height of his anger. If your husband decides not to go, I would hope that he would make it clear to his son that it was his decision alone and that you had nothing to do with it. Even if the step son chooses to not believe him, he should still say it. I admire how strong you are trying to be and how you are trying to really make a thoughtful decision after being treated so terribly.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t think my mom would have come to my wedding if I had done this.

Unfortunately sometimes we’re the villain in someone’s story. I’m not saying you did anything wrong. I repeat, I’m not saying you did anything wrong. But his perception as a child and carried into adulthood may have been different from what you think it should be. Do I think he’s wrong to not invite you? Absolutely. I’m so sorry. I don’t think I would go if I was your husband. Let him make his own decision.

However this is resolved, which likely will be with you not going because you recognize you are not wanted, I hope you will urge your husband to go without you. What they are doing is bad manners, as married couples or those in committed long term relationships, whether you like the person, or not. Except when there has been deliberate abuse, violence, or neglect, or violations of the law. . . . But whatever your perception, time back with his mother, and perhaps more than one counselor or his fiancee, have convinced him that to say negative things about his mom was abusive.
Even if they were true, he feels hearing things repeatedly can be demoralizing at best, abusive at worst. And to make the bridge back to seeing her, and get over his own addiction, he may have convinced himself that you should have talked about her kindly as though she had an illness, not truthfully described her in a negative way. You cannot immediately change such a feeling, or argue a change in logical terms, before the wedding. Just accept, for now, this is the way it is. Perhaps his mom is in the background saying, if that person comes I won't. Perhaps she is saying, if that person comes I will tell her what I think if them both and throw them both out. . . . Potentially stressful. And they do not want to make an emotional mess of their wedding . Your accepting, this is how it is, does not make whatever they are doing right. But often, after a big, unresolved fight, what matters most is not who is right. What matters is coming back to a balance, friendly relations. And not destroying relationships beyond repair. . . . Encourage your husband to go, and celebrate with his son and DIL. And not to get into any disagreements while there. Just enjoy their wedding. . . In the future, they likely will come to see you have been put in a bad position, and did the best you could. Not malicious behavior on your part. And your husband can broker a truce, so at some point they come to your home, and you to theirs, at times when mother will not be around. . . . It is a gift to your husband, to not stand on principle, and say " I am right! " But say, "however wrong I feel this is, the most important thing is for you to have this day with your son. If you don't, it could your relationship. But if you go, there is a hope for a change in the future. " . . Like if they have kids. And find out what it means to be there for a dependent child day after day, year after year. Something you did for son .

If the husband goes without her, he's telling his son and daughter-in-law, "Feel free to treat my wife--who raised Sonny with years of love and labor--as if she were the excrement on your shoe."

The son has purposely created a crisis--forcing his father to choose his heartlessly rude and divisive son or his loyal and generous wife--that this family will probably never come back from.

There's no need for the father to fall in line, cooperate, and make it worse. He's married to his wife; he made vows to her; she raised his son; and he owes her loyalty and respect.

He sent his regret, stating after thinking long and hard about their decision to omit his wife and daughter from the invitation, he regretfully will not be attending. His son’s simple reply was “Thank you”. I can tell my husband is very hurt.
I think he had hoped for a dialogue to be opened about perhaps changing their minds. I am glad he has given his son plenty of notice so that he can be prepared for the consequences of his decision. I did not want him to be surprised on the day of his wedding if his Father had not attended. I think this is the best we can do with the situation we were put in. Thank you all for your wonderful guidance and advice.