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Just Said Yes November 2021

My so had strippers ordered to hotel room by his groomsmen

Ashley, on July 21, 2021 at 9:35 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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Really needing some advice:
My fiancé and I have gone to strippers together before and so I told him if your going to a strip club that is fine just NO lap dances. I’m just not in to the whole idea of “marriage is a prison get what you need to out of your system” so having a naked women rub all over him is just not my thing- he know this. He told me he told his groomsmen, so they didn’t go to a strip club, they ordered two girls to the room they stripped him down to his boxers and gave him a 5 song show AND after hung out with the boys and drank. I’m heart broken???? Am I wrong for feeling like this. My cousin told me about it, so I confronted him in front of my sisters boyfriend and they looked at each other and my sisters boyfriend goes “why would ______ say anything” so I figured they were going to hide it. I had to walk away I was so upset, he came running after me and said he was going to tell me it just hadn’t come up yet.

Strip club was totally fine but hanging out with these girls and being almost naked while they rubbed all over him just doesn’t sit right with me right before our wedding. Am I totally in the wrong here? All opinions are helpful. Thanks!

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Q, on August 7, 2021 at 6:47 PM

Dedicated May 2022
Steph · on July 21, 2021 at 10:00 PM
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Your feelings are valid. Two of the most important things to have in any relationship is open communication and set boundaries. It seems that you made it clear how you felt about the situation, and he and his boys disregarded your feelings. I don’t want to shed negative light on this, but I do have stripper friends and I’m most cases these “private” parties are not innocent ones. You cannot ever convince me that a grown man allowed his buddies to get him in his draws to have strippers dance for him. Only you know your man.. so it’s up to you to decide. As for your feelings on the matter, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re crazy or dumb for it. You aren’t.
One thing I’ve made clear in my relationship is that I will ALWAYS match his behavior. Simple rules- if you don’t want ME to do it, then you don’t do it. Lead by example always. I hope you find some peace despite the circumstances, and I am sending you a much needed hug.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 21, 2021 at 10:31 PM
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You set clear boundaries which he agreed to and then violated. Even worse, he lied about it and you had to find out from other people. It’s not the act of having strippers it’s that he went against what you agreed upon and lied about it. He’s a grown man, he could have left at any point whatsoever. Personally, I’d pause wedding plans and go to counseling immediately but that’s also a huge violation of boundaries and lies for me. Do you wonder what else happened that he still hasn’t told you about? Or just how easy it was for him to do this and keep the secret from you? That’s scary to keep.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 21, 2021 at 10:38 PM
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Oh boy. I'm really sorry that happened. Two strippers in a hotel room is sometimes not just dancing. Are you concerned that you don't have all the information? As Cool said, if it were me, I'd pause wedding planning. Watch for minimizing and gaslighting, and being told you're overreacting.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on July 21, 2021 at 11:41 PM
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Your feelings are definitely valid. I'd be furious with my man if that had happened. I don't have a problem with them going to the strip club. But having to strippers come to their room and drink while everyone is half naked is wrong on so many levels.
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Just Said Yes September 2021
· on July 22, 2021 at 12:33 AM
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I’d be upset too. And it’s not like he can just blame his groomsmen- he’s a grown man and if he knew he shouldn’t have been doing something because of clear boundaries he agreed to, he had the power to get up and walk away from the situation. The fact that he didn’t tell you ASAP/ before he got caught is somehow more disrespectful than the act itself imo. I’d echo calls for counseling, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on July 23, 2021 at 7:32 AM
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I would be furious, upset, hurt...every kind of feeling in that realm. I completely agree with you on your belief that the marriage is not a prison logic, so there's no need to go out and have naked girls all over you. He violated your trust and he didn't respect your beliefs. You can't really FORCE a person to put up with that. My fiance has been put in that situation in the past by his buddies, saying he should get a lap dance or whatever and he just straight up left the evening and came home and said, "they were trying to make me do something I didn't want to do, so I left." So your fiance can't really put all of the blame on them, and he should've told you IMMEDIATELY that this happened. Plus, why was HE stripped down?! I would not be okay with any of this at all.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on July 23, 2021 at 2:37 PM
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Your feelings are valid.
Here's the thing.
Boundaries are different for everyone.
Someone else may say, "I don't see the big deal." Someone else may see nothing wrong with the act of having strippers in the hotel room, or anything else that went on. I definitely know women who would just laugh at this and say "oh, that man of mine!"
That does not mean YOU have to feel that way. You set your own boundaries. End of discussion.
You did what you were supposed to in a loving, open, honest relationship: you expressed your boundaries clearly to him.
By choosing to be in a committed, long-term relationship with you, your FH agreed to abide those boundaries. He had the opportunity before now to find a woman who would be okay with a stripper wiggling in his lap. He chose not to. He chose to be with you, a woman who clearly established boundaries concerning this subject.
And now he crossed them.
If his groomsmen forcibly stripped him, strapped him down, and shoved half-naked women down on him, that's assault. That's forcing someone to partake in a sexual activity without their consent. If he says that's what happened, then perhaps this is truly something far more serious - but I am almost certain that isn't what went down.
He knew your boundaries, and crossed them willingly and knowingly. He then intentionally hid it from you because he knew he shouldn't have participated, and only "admitted" to it when he got caught.
I would put a pause on planning for the moment and insist on counseling. Trust has been seriously broken here, and trust is not easily repaired.
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Dedicated August 2020
Q · on August 1, 2021 at 12:40 AM
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It’s not his fault his groomsmen ordered these girls. He says he was going to tell you, and he probably was. I’d let it go. Who ever told you def stirred the pot…. Could have been with good intent.. could not have been. I’d talk with SO and work it out. You didn’t have a problem with strippers and have gone together. This was out of his control.. I’d give him a pass honestly.
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Beginner September 2019
Rebecca · on August 1, 2021 at 8:00 AM
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Please do not let anyone invalidate your feelings by making you think you’re overreacting or “don’t have the right” to be upset because you have EVERY right to feel whatever you feel.

My personal take on it is this; aside from this situation, has he done other things that disrespect your wishes? If your relationship has been loving and solid for the most part and this has really been his only big mess-up, I would say to take action to nip this in the bud fast in whatever form works for you both (counseling, and/or have him have a serious talk with his groomsmen; it’s a bit alarming that they would do something that they know is something you’re against).
However, if this is just one of a number of instances where he has also disregarded your needs, then I’m sorry to say there’s a bigger issue at hand. Like another poster mentioned, pausing the wedding date may just have to be an option. I really hope this isn’t the case here and truly wish you both the best.
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Just Said Yes May 2022
Brooklyn · on August 4, 2021 at 9:21 PM
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I have to agree with this person... I am SO sorry about this situation you've been put in!
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Dedicated August 2020
Q · on August 7, 2021 at 6:47 PM
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I support you being upset though. Not dismissing your feelings. Def talk to him though.
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