My sister is planning her wedding and i can't get over my jealousy

What would that conversation even look like? Hey sis, I’m really jealous of you and I need to get over it? What is she supposed to say to that. She got engaged 6 months after you. She planned her wedding for 14 months after yours. It’s not like she planned her wedding for the week before yours. If you’re going to allow these feelings to ruin a really fun and special time in your life, that’s on you. You should concentrate on how excited you are to marry your fiancé and planning your dream wedding. End of story.

If you were raised to be competitive with each other and you had to be her parent and your mom is constantly talking about it, i think this issue here is your parents more than it is your sister. Have you attended counseling? The fact that you feel like you can’t walk away from the need to help your sister is something deep rooted and could probably be worked through with a good counselor and family boundaries.

My brother, my sister, and my brother-in-law all got married the same year as us. My brother got married in April, we got married in July, my brother-in-law got married in August (6 weeks after us), and my sister got married in December. My sister was the only one that didn't have a large wedding. She eloped. I was the maid of honor in my brother's wedding and both him and his wife were really young (18 & 19 at the time) so I helped a lot. There was absolutely no jealously on my part or my brother's wife's part. There was some issues between me, my brother-in-law and his wife though. We got engaged two days after them. It wasn't planned that way. My mother-in-law's 60th birthday party was on a Saturday and my brother-in-law decided to propose on Friday and my husband decided to propose to me on Sunday. They both planned their proposes separately and thought it was a perfect weekend because the entire family would be around. They told each other after plans were already in place so moving or changing the engagements weren't really an option. My husband was present at their engagement, but I wasn't because it was on top of a mountain and I was recovering from a sprained knee. They were both present at our engagement. Following our engagement we went had a picnic since we got engaged at a park. During that time, I made it very clear I wanted to get married in September the following year. Not even two hours later, my brother-in-law calls telling us his wife and him have decided they also want to get married in September of the following year. Needless to say, I was livid because they knew when we wanted to get married. They toured/called about 100 venues because my sister-in-law had a very specific idea in mind. The venue they wanted only had August 31 available so that's what they booked and then called us and told us. We changed our plans since originally we planned to get married the second week in September which would've been two weeks after theirs. After that drama was resolved, I thought we were good. Only to get a message from my sister-in-law telling me she was going with red as one of their wedding colors. At that point, I about lost it on her. She knew red and black were our wedding colors even though she claimed she completely forgot. My husband and I decided to go with silver and light pink instead, but days before I was going dress shopping with my girls she messaged me that they changed their minds and were now going with dark green instead so we switched back to red and black. There was some other drama after that with my mother-in-law basically telling my brother-in-law and his wife how much better our wedding was going to be because we had higher budget. It was definitely stressful because I felt bad for them because my mother-in-law made it seem like their wedding was going to suck because they didn't have a lot of money to spend on theirs like we did. In the end it all ended up working out. Neither wedding looked anything alike and everyone had a great time at both. Now I'm currently pregnant and so is my sister. We are due three weeks apart. I'm due first and when she found out she was very upset. Like your sister, my sister is incredibly competitive so I was glad she eloped or she would've turned our weddings into a major competition. She recently came to visit me with my mom and we got shopping for baby stuff and she picked at least one or two items or every one item I picked because she also tends to count how much anyone spends on her versus me or my brother. However, it has been nice getting to share the pregnancy experience with her since it's both of our first pregnancies. My advice would to try to look at the positives. I would also avoid oversharing with her. I learned that's what I had to do with my brother-in-law's wife otherwise she would've coped a whole bunch of stuff. I also wouldn't invite your sister dress shopping with you if you are worried she will make the experience about herself.

I think you know this is about so much more than two weddings. If your whole lives have been competitive and conflict-ridden, one wedding (well, 2 weddings) isn't going to make or break your relationship. Your personal dynamic has been established long before this. I recommend seeking counseling to deal with these long-standing issues and NOT trying to talk to your sister about the wedding or your jealousy until you have you done some serious work on your own.

And in the meantime when you recognize your jealousy rearing up and impacting your own engagement joy? Remind yourself that your wedding is special to you and your future spouse and has nothing to do with your sister.

For the record, though I cannot relate to this level of jealousy of a sibling, I absolutely understand what it feels like to know in my bones that my parents love one of their other children far more than they will ever love me. It sucks. But once we are adults, we need to take control of our own story, our own feelings. And counseling can really help with that.

This stuff can be so hard. In your heart you know it’s not really the wedding, it’s the weight of all the years and expectations that you be her caretaker and absorb the hard things for her. Neither of you really feel good about that, I’m sure.
It’s easy to say “therapy” but that’s not easy for everyone to just do. Check out some books on narcissistic parents, that sort of thing, and see if anything resonates with you.
As far as feeling obligated to help - you are giving yourself a heavy burden to carry. Give yourself permission to only carry a little. Tell her you will help her find a flower vendor, for example. And that’s it. If she’s not good at planning, maybe she’ll learn. If it’s a big mess, it will be her big mess. Unless you catch wind of something illegal or dangerous, you don’t need to act on anything. And even then “hey, you know it’s illegal to import hyenaS for a petting zoo, right?” LOLIf she asks you to do things for her, and you don’t want to do them, say no. Don’t explain, just say no. It will come to a head and there will be tears but the sooner both of you extract yourselves from this enmeshed dynamic, the sooner you both will be happier.

It seems like you really tried to paint your sister in such a negative light here to give yourself reason to be upset with her, but honestly... it honestly made me feel for her. Like someone else mention, she got engaged 6 months after you and her wedding is over a year after yours. She likes to post things on social media, you admit you don’t. If you don’t want to see her posts/stories then mute her. I don’t see the problem here.


You need to talk to your mom about how the comparing and badmouthing your sister is affecting you. Tell her you don’t want to hear about it, but something tells me you probably deep down like hearing them say she’s a drama queen and attention-starved because it justifies how you feel about her right now.
My sister-in-law’s wedding was 7 months after mine and guess who was the one running around making sure she looked perfect, things were running smoothly, vendors were tipped out, etc? This girl. I wanted to make sure she had her perfect day and that everything that went wrong with my day didn’t happen with her. My biggest concern was that she was absolutely happy. Because I love her.

It sounds like helping your sister with her wedding is going to be like pulling teeth for you and you don’t want to do it. So step down from being her MOH and save yourself (and her!) the headache and heartache. You seem to have so much pent-up resentment towards her (and judging by your guys’ childhood competitiveness, I completely understand it). However, it’s an issue you need to solve on your own (maybe with a therapist). What are you going to say to your sister “I’m really jealous of you, I know you don’t mean to stir that in me, but can you please stop?” Do you really expect her to stop being excited for her wedding and dim hers down so you don’t feel jealous of her? Like what would you want her to do? What’s your solution to this? She didn’t cause this competitive issue. Your parents and family did. She’s in the same spot as you.

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Karla is spot on- I am confused on why you think she's doing anything wrong? I have seen /so many/ "spotlight stolen" posts and usually it's way closer engagements and/or weddings. Your sister got engaged almost a year later then picked a wedding date that is literally /over an entire year later./ How exactly is she stirring the pot and stealing your spotlight???


OP, you are stealing your own joy, not your sister. "Comparison is the thief of joy." You said it feels stolen from her but she doesn't have that power, you do. You should seek therapy/counseling and work through these feelings.
Also, if anyone is stirring the pot, it's your mom. You need to set boundaries- stop letting her rile you up and talk poorly about your sister. I agree with Karla that I think deep down you like it because it feels validating to you but it isn't helping. Be blunt, stick with it- "I don't want to talk about Sister's wedding, mom. I want to talk about mine." I don't think you need to talk to your sister but to your mom.
You don't wanna see the social media updates? Unfollow, mute, etc. As Karla said, there are solutions here. I don't mean to sound too harsh but I feel like there's a lot of playing victim here and you're an adult now and you need to take responsibility for your own actions and emotions.
As for the dress shopping and wedding planning for your sister- I wouldn't say anything about the dress appointment unless it comes up, and then just be honest. She probably will see dresses she likes for herself while looking through dresses with you- it would be impossible not to, but there's a limit. If she pulls out a few dresses while helping you look saying "I love this style for me" or "this is the kind I want for myself" then that's okay, be happy for her, suggest she make a mental note for her appointment. If it is constant, just ask her if she can help find dresses for you, not her. If she actually wants to try dresses on, that's when you talk. You tell her this is your appointment and you want it to stay that way. Suggest making an appointment while you're there if she's afraid of the dresses being gone by next year, but that you want to focus on you at this one.
For planning, you need to back off. Only be involved when she asks. Maybe she can do it herself, or her friends can help, your mom can help, or she can hire a professional.

This seems to be way more about family dynamic than just wedding jealousy, and not something that can be fixed by strangers on a public forum.

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of this. Worry about your wedding. Remember one thing she is allowed to have her special day as well. And have it how she wants to. It's not her fault your jealous. And you shouldn't let it ruin things in your life. Plus this issue you have sounds like a much more deep issue than a wedding. Sounds like your parents created these issues with how they parent you guys.

View Quoted Comment You put it so perfectly

I would recommend therapy. This level of jealousy over a wedding that is more than a year after yours is not normal. Your assuming the worst about having to help her with the wedding is not normal.


I'm not saying therapy is a magic solution, but Internet strangers can't help you deal with a lifetime of toxicity.

I recommend you seek counselling.