My oldest friend and bridesmaid is ruining this for me!!

My MOH still hasn't bought her dress either. Honestly, if you can, just ride it out. That's what I have decided to do. This is a shitty position to be in. If you can avoid removing her from the bridal party you should. Maybe have a private talk with her over lunch or something?

This is your day and as a friend she should not be ruining this day for you. You do the wedding the way you want to! Clearly she is the only bridesmaid with a issue and you can let her know that you value her friendship but her attitude is nt making you happy and you should be in a positive space. Dont let anyone or minor things ruin your day. You can let her know that she can be a guest and that she doesnt have to feel obligated to be in it or pay for anything

Well there's etiquette (she is your oldest friend) and there's reality. What kind of friend behaves this way? It's not about her opinions or wants or needs, it's about supporting you and being supportive of your choices and being there to lean on. She's a terrible friend for doing these things and putting you in this situation. I would have a discussion with her as she seemingly has no self awareness about how her attitude is making you feel. 1) If she apologizes and changes her behavior all is well and you haven't lost a friend but 2) If it causes more tension and she doesn't own up to her selfish ways it's better to part with a person who doesn't have your feelings at heart in the most crucial time of support. Life is too short to compromise your happiness for their self centeredness. Don't let her ruin your day. I'm happy for you and wish you the best on your upcoming wedding!!!

Why is she being so negative? Maybe she doesn't actually want to be a bridesmaid but doesn't want to drop out... So is making it difficult so you'll unask her? I really don't know... Do you think this could be the case?

Have you tried talking to her one on one to see what's going on with her? Maybe she's having a hard time financially and does not want to admit she can't afford the dress. Or maybe she has other problems in her life and is just lashing out at you. Usually kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship ending move. So use it only as a last resort if you don't mind losing her friendship.

She sounds like someone that would get under my skin. However, you can't ask her to just be a guest now. That would be rude and it could end your friendship. Are all of your bridesmaids wearing the same dress? If so then that's one of the few requirements...purchase the dress and show up fairly sober. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to purchase the same dress as the other bridesmaids? Is it out of her budget, too revealing, not figure flattering...I mean there has to be a reason. If she doesn't order the right dress then she can be a guest (it's her decision at that point). Ask her what's up, maybe there's something else going on in her life that's stressing her out and she needs a friend to lean on.

Also, good call on refusing to having a backyard pot luck wedding. Edited to add a missing word.

Honestly I'd tell her straight up she's being rude and if she doesn't realize this...she's super immature and I would ask her to be a guest or stay home. If its a money issue with the dress then I would try to help her out since she might just be embarrassed but if shes just being difficult then thats not fair to you!

Honestly the best way to handle this is to tell her that you just can't handle the stress she is unleashing on everyone. Tell her that this is your day, not hers and her job is to literally do what you ask her to do; then when she argues tell her if she can't do what you ask her too then she's out and she can be a guest of she chooses.

I get it. One of my BM's JUST ordered her dress (my wedding is in 9 days). She seems to be oblivious to the fact that the wedding is so soon. She's very much a "things happen on MY time" type of person. Yeah, not so much. I'm at the end of my string. If the dress isn't here, she will be a guest.

If she is your oldest friend and talking to her won't work leave it as is. If she doesnt have a dress then she wont be in it anyway. Are all your BM wearing the same dress? If not let her buy a dress but ask her to show it to you before she buys it and let it ride.

Sometimes it is hard for friends to adjust. You go from you two against the world to having to share your attention. And a lot of times when people get married they drop their friends. Maybe she is just scared she is going to lose you as a friend. They way she is projecting is not cool but we all make mistakes. Maybe take her out for lunch don't talk about your wedding and reaffirm she is your buddy for life and marriage won't change that.

If you ask her to step down, your friendship is ruined. So think about that carefully.

What's the absolute last day she can order the dress? Find that out, and say "okay, your dress needs ordered by X date. If it's not, I'd love to see you as a guest on the day."

Stop talking about wedding things to her. Even if she brings it up. Give a non committal answer (we're still deciding, we don't know yet, etc) and change the subject.

Also, try to figure out what's going on with her. When was the last time you went to lunch together? Or had a girl's day? Plan one, and spend some time figuring out what's going on in her life, because it's definitely something.

I think you should approach her as a friend first, not as a bride. Let her know that you've noticed her acting differently towards you and you're concerned that something may be going on. Let her know how the negativity is making you feel. If the dress issue is about finances , is there any way that you can help her with the cost of the dress?

My MOH became very distant and even when I tried to spend time with her as my friend, she didn't seem interested. I told her when dresses needed to be ordered by but she never did it, and I ended up taking her to DB and she was lucky that the dress I wanted was available in her size as a sample dress and they let her buy it. That was the month of my wedding. She has time to get the dress. Take some time to check in with your friend now, worry about the rest later.

Fire her. She has already ruined your friendship by her behavior. If she wants to salvage the friendship then it is on her. What's next? You're going to allow her to ruin your bridal shower, bachelorette and/or your rehearsal dinner? Or maybe let her sabotage the wedding itself. No thank you. As they say, do not subscribe to her issues.

Monica- there is no firing. This woman is a friend not an employee..

OP I'm going to echo PP I would really check in on her as a friend and not a bride. If this is not how she normally acts something has to be bothering her. If she ends up not getting a dress that's on her.

Don't ask her to step down unless you want to end the friendship. If you want to keep the friendship it seems like a nice calm conversation is in order; I have a hunch that there is something bigger going on because people don't just turn on a dime and they don't function in a vacuum.

Don't be afraid of her reaction; just present the facts about how she's making you feel. Truly, the dress IS the only thing she needs to take care of; maybe she can't afford it, doesn't like it, isn't comfortable in it? Not that this makes it right, but it might be part of the story...

Aside from that, YOU control your feelings, not her. She can only ruin the things you allow her to ruin. And honesty, she's not going to ruin anything. She might not participate, she may have a shit attitude, but it's your take on it that counts. And you can simply choose to ignore her antics.

And lastly, consider that maybe it's time for this friendship to be over, lengthy or not. I was on the verge of breaking up with my only very close girlfriend because her toxic attitude was really affecting me. Unfortunately, she passed away before we made peace, but it was honestly draining to go from a great friendship to constantly defending my actions and decisions. And yes, some of the tension was over money, how she would spend mine, not how I was spending it (and trust me, those were some very lean, startup years....).

Try to talk to her, as has been said, not as a bride upset with her lack of cooperation on a most minimal level, but as a friend.

Honestly, your friend sucks, but I would just pay for the bridesmaid dress so that you get your way. I would be way more stressed out thinking about her buying some random dress in a color that doesn't match perfectly if that's the look your going for.

Are you letting her pick her own dress? If not, you need to tell her clearly she needs to be in x dress in x color or she can attend as a guest.

As for the other stuff, she doesn't need you to share all your wedding details with her.

Have you discussed your feelings with her? Could she be jealous that you are getting married (I'm assuming she's not). If she's your bestie, she should be so supportive of you. If she's having money problems, she should discuss something with you privately if she needs to borrow money to afford the dress

Ride it out and if she shows up in a different dress, then tell her to go sit with the guests.

What's worked for me when my sister (who's a BM) gives me lip, I tell her being a BM is optional and she doesn't have to do it. That always shuts her up.

For example, a few days after I asked her to be a BM, she said "so when are you going to officially ask me with gift?" !!! Another time was after she had flown in for the weekend to go dress shopping with me, something I did NOT ask her to do, she chose to fly in when she found out I was going dress shopping with our other sister, she said I owed her because she spent so much money that weekend on plane tickets and Uber. Both times, I told her she didn't have to be BM, she's allowed to turn it down.

No problems since.