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Just Said Yes August 2019

My Narcissist Sister Dilima

Kelly, on March 18, 2019 at 3:33 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 2 17

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Please Help! I’m so torn. So I’m having a lot of troubles with this and my wedding is in June 22, 2019. My dilima is this, I’m 37 getting married for the first time, my sister 11 years older then me is dangerously narcissistic. I would love nothing more then to have a her as my maid of honor & have a close relationship with my sister like we once had. I can no longer have anything more than a superficial relationship with her as she is so toxic. I am so very scared that she will ruin my day, like she’s ruined so many things in my life. She’s constantly trying to hurt me, physically, mentally or emotionally. The things she has put me through are about as horrible as you can imagine, things that give a person PTSD. Her gaslighting & NPD are so severe that I’ve already caught her gaslighting when I tried to ask her. She keeps on blocking me from her phone & text messages. On one hand I want to ask her because I always thought she would be my maid of honor. I also don’t want to regret not asking her since she is my only sister & I do love her dearly. The other hand is the internal struggle I have is that I really do not want to ask her because I don’t want to risk her ruining my wedding. I also know if I don’t ask her she will likely never speak to me again. I have tried calling, but I’m blocked & I tried texting her and when she unblocked me, I saw her reading the messages, she then deleted them & pretended she never got them. I am normally a very level headed, easy going person. Im freaking out about this. Do I ask her to keep the peace & my dreams of having my sister as my MOH. Pray she doesn’t ruin my day? or Do I not ask her and suffer the back lash of intolerable, emotionally abusive family gatherings from here on out??? Either way I lose. Please help!

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17 Comments

Latest activity by MIWM, on March 18, 2019 at 7:18 PM

Master 0000
Judith · on March 18, 2019 at 4:36 AM
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Do not choose her. She is family, but need not bring misery every place you are during your wedding.
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Super November 2019
Melissa · on March 18, 2019 at 6:51 AM
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If you absolutely feel this way about her, dont put yourself through the misery of having her as a MOH or bridesmaid.
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Super May 2019
Jessica · on March 18, 2019 at 6:55 AM
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There is a 0% chance a person with NPD will not ruin a day that doesn't revolve around them. And that may be true whether she's your MOH or just a guest. Be prepared for backlash, but absolutely keep her as far away from details and planning and big roles as possible. As long as you have the support of FH in your decision, I wouldn't worry about backlash from her or your family.
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Expert May 2021
Jaime · on March 18, 2019 at 8:32 AM
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Whatever you do, do not pick her.
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Dedicated April 2019
Meuryn · on March 18, 2019 at 8:43 AM
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DO Not pick her.
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on March 18, 2019 at 8:43 AM
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Do not choose her at all. To keep your sanity, do not involve her in any of the planning.
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Savvy November 2019
Tianna · on March 18, 2019 at 8:55 AM
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Seems like she's already given you an answer without you needing to ask her the question. Too toxic, enjoy your day. Do you plan on inviting her as a guest?
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on March 18, 2019 at 9:14 AM
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Sounds like you are already suffering intolerable emotional abuse, so I don't think you should ask her. Asking someone because of a fantasy is a bad idea. I think it's great you want this relationship with her, but I don't think it's a healthy option. I feel like if you ask her, you will end up regretting it more.
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Super December 2018
Alexandra · on March 18, 2019 at 9:23 AM
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I know you have this idea in your head from long ago about your sister being your MOH but in all honesty, she's not proving she's worthy of all your love and being your MOH. She blocks you every time you call or text? So she's not even giving you a change to call her to ask her... Does she even want to go to your wedding? I think you need to be proactive and accept the fact that she WILL do or say something to bother you on that day. Set up parameters for her not to cross with your other family members and your friends. You WILL need a buffer.
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VIP July 2019
Summerbride77 · on March 18, 2019 at 10:12 AM
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I agree do not choose her as you MOH.

And honestly, consider carefully whether you even invite her as a guest. I agree with Alexandra that it sounds like you will have to take steps so she doesn’t do some at the wedding (it’s just as easy to ruin a wedding as a guest).

Can I ask if you have security at your venue? whether you invite her or not it sounds, based on your description, it would be a good idea to let them know so they are prepared to step in if needed.
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VIP August 2019
Tamara · on March 18, 2019 at 10:24 AM
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You can either think back on your wedding day that she ruined and regret that or regret that your sister never speaks to you again......both things would be due to her behavior. If I had to choose, I would protect the day dedicated to me and my FH as this is the beginning of my new family. It is not your fault that your sister cannot be happy for you and put her own feelings aside so that you do not have to try to make such a difficult decision. You have to put yourself and your FH first and if that means not asking her to be in your wedding then so be it. I am sorry that you even have to deal with this. Best of luck!
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Dedicated June 2019
Mariah · on March 18, 2019 at 10:58 AM
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Why would you want someone as your maid of honor who is so abusive towards you? I think it's time to let this toxic relationship go! Sounds like you really love the idea of your sister being nice to you and having a good relationship with her, but based on her actions that may not happen. I would 100% not ask her to be MOH. If she doesn't speak to you after that, it is on her for treating you so badly.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on March 18, 2019 at 11:59 AM
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Please do not. Your wedding day should be loving & drama-free. It’s ok to hold onto the loving memories of you both a childhood friends but that person/relationship doesn’t exist anymore so let the idea of a future friendship go. Toxic people should not be rewarded.
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Devoted October 2019
Melodie · on March 18, 2019 at 2:34 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really, really don't think that you should ask her to be your maid of honor. Everything that you've mentioned above: the blocked communication, emotional manipulation; makes me think that it's best for your well being if you maintain a "superficial" relationship with your sister.
For what it's worth, I've had a similar falling out with a family member and at first I was so miserable. Things aren't still resolved, but I have found that it's gotten a little easier to deal as time has gone on. It is okay to demand respect in your relationships, and it's healthy to set boundaries, even with people we are close to.
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on March 18, 2019 at 5:14 PM
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I agree with this 100%. Also with everything PP have said. You have to think about yourself now, and your future with FH. In a perfect world, we would all get what we really want, and relationships would be easier and people would act like mature adults. But that's not the world we live in. If she is that toxic, she won't think twice about ruining your day. Also, I suspect you know this, and you are simply looking for validation and/or confirmation that you are making the right decision by not asking her to be your MOH.
You're free to continue to attempt a healthy, civil relationship with her, as she is your sister. But as far as your wedding goes, she's already proven that she's going to be a problem. Don't add to your stress by making her a member of your wedding party. You'll regret it, and you'll be putting yourself through so much unnecessary hurt and frustration.
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Master October 2018
HayMrsO · on March 18, 2019 at 6:46 PM
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Please don't do anything out of guilt or fear of regret. She has shown you time and time again that she will ruin you. Don't give her the chance to do it on your most important day. Definitely no to the MOH title....I don't even think I would invite her as a guest.
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VIP June 2019
MIWM · on March 18, 2019 at 7:18 PM
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Kelly I am so glad you shared your story. I too am having issues with my fiancés friends girlfriend who is a Narcissist. I thought she was a friend but I was definitely wrong. She is so Jealous, Envious, Insecure and spiteful whenever she is around me. When I got engaged she was fake happy for me and even started wearing random rings on her ringer finger right after my engagement even though she is not engaged all because she is jealous. I made It clear to her that there will be no pictures during the ceremony and she smirked and said maybe ill sneak one. I'm also afraid that she will try and sabotage and ruin my special day. I honestly do not want her there but my fiancé is really good friends with her boyfriend.
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