My mother and i do not have a good relationship

You could send her a text. That way you don't have to hear her. Or, if she starts up while talking on the phone, you can always hung up or not answer follow up phone calls. I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive. Also, there's no point in getting worried up about it now. I would try to let it go until it's an actual concern to be dealt with.

Well, you have one thing going for you: you already know that you don't have a good relationship and not to expect any positive reaction from her. I am not being flippant. One way I have made my peace with my difficult mother is to have absolutely zero expectations about how she will react to anything I tell her. Oh, and I tell her as little personal information as possible. This is easier said that done, but it has changed my life.

That said, you still want to tell her you are engaged. Can you text or email her? Send her a card? Anything to replace a phone call that makes you anxious would be a good thing.

I agree with PPs. I think a text or email would be a good way to start the conversation. Getting engaged is such an exciting time in your life and you should never be led to feel upset about it.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother either. I've attended a lot of therapy to help with this. I would text a photo of the ring and your fiance right when it happens, and let her decide from there on how she should contact you. That way she feels she was part of the moment, and you don't have to worry about contacting her directly.

My relationship with my mother is so toxic that she declined to come to the wedding, and I ended up blocking her on all platforms three weeks before we got married. So... I *get* it. (We have not heard from her since June of last year, and that includes all the holidays, and my birthday, which was this week. DH can still receive her phone calls, and she has our address.)

Do you have to tell her? Do you have to even participate in a relationship that is so painful to you?

Our society loves to deify mothers, but that isn't reflected in a lot of reality. If it is *healthier* for you to simply back away, then please, DO.

If you aren't ready for that, yet, then set up protections. Don't be alone. Put her on speakerphone with your fiance, and let her *know that others can hear her*. Keep the conversation short. And manage your expectations.

I'm so sorry. I get this on so many levels.

You don't particularly want to talk with her. And you don't want the impulsive immediate thoughtless reply of text or email. So write her an old fashioned letter, or buy a greeting card with writing space, and put it in the mail.

I was so afraid to tell my mom that I waited nearly a month! I like the idea of texting her a photo and letting her come to you if she is so inclined.

Thank you all for replying.

First, I'm so so sorry that others may be in a similar boat. That being said, it is comforting to not feel alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I’m assuming when your FH proposes there will be someone to record it or take pictures. Send her the video and or pictures so she can see how happy you are and reassure her that you are in love and that this is something you need to do for yourself. Good luck!❤️

I too have a terrible relationship with my mom and she lives far away and all our conversations turn into fights. I have given up. She is a very negative person as well so sounds like my mom and your mom could be friends haha
But i know when I got engaged to my now fiancé for 3 years she was not happy. She wasn’t happy that I was even dating him. She’s helping out with little things with the wedding but I left her out of the wedding dress shopping because it would have been terrible. At the end of the day just make yourself happy

View Quoted Comment Great advise!!

I don't have the best relationship with my mother due to her narcissistic personality . I say text her with a photo.