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Just Said Yes December 2018

My mom wants to officiate

Vicki, on November 28, 2018 at 7:10 AM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 9

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Hi all, advice needed. My mother wants to officiate and I don't really want her to. I have said nicely "I'd love you to be a guest" "I really want you to enjoy the day" etc. Abd she is persistent that it is the biggest honor a mother can have.

Background:
My parents are divorced, it's not nice.
My dad is walking me down the aisle.
My mom hates my dad and becomes emotionally upset when she sees him.
My my college graduation she hid in the bathroom and called my cell and said "I guess you dont want me here. I wont come out if your dad is still here". Then refused to take any pictures with him. I later had to hold her hand while she cried on the bench in the hallway.
My mom also had a horrible concussion and crowds make her stressed and when she is stressed she cries and runs away.

My fear is my dad will walk me downthe aisle and mom my will have such a negative reaction it will ruin her day!

I already have a back up officiant who understands the whole situation and will be ready to jump in.

In theory it would be so lovely to have her officiate but I am worried it will ruin HER day.

Please help!

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on November 29, 2018 at 9:18 PM

Super September 2019
Anna · on November 28, 2018 at 7:50 AM
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I’m so sorry you’re in this tough situation. To be honest, I would bluntly tell her no. Not sure how you want to word it but saying something of “I appreciate you wanting to do this, but I would prefer you enjoy the role of being mother of the bride and not officiate our wedding. We already booked an officiant that we both feel comfortable with”. You have tried to be very nice about it but considering how she may react around your father, I wouldn’t even chance it. It’s your wedding day. I would book the other officiant and tell her he/she is booked and you already paid money.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on November 28, 2018 at 8:05 AM
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I agree with Anna.... You've tried to be tactful, but given the circumstances you've described, now you just need to shut this down and Anna has provided a good way to word it. Once you've told her, make it clear it's not up for discussion. Perhaps offer her the opportunity to give a toast at the rehearsal, if she feels strongly that she wants to say something. If things get out of hand with her emotions at the time, and she can't do that, no problem, no one will miss it, but she gets to plan on having her "moment." Good luck to you!
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on November 28, 2018 at 8:42 AM
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If she’s as emotional as you describe, there is no way I would allow someone that unstable to officiate my wedding. She also needs to understand how to be civil and an adult around others she doesn’t care for. I understand that the divorce was messy and painful, but this day is about you and your FH and you won’t be able to enjoy your day if you are coddling her and getting her over her own emotions
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Devoted July 2019
Rayna · on November 28, 2018 at 9:42 AM
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This is tough. But I wouldn’t risk it given the back story. You can’t manage someone else’s emotions for them and if hearing no upsets her then she’ll have to work through it on her own. Your ceremony is too important and I would never want to subject my guests to the discomfort of a possible emotional outburst.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on November 28, 2018 at 10:19 AM
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I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like even if you wanted your mom to officiate, she wouldn't be able to do it. Weddings are crowds & she would for sure see your dad, it would be way worse from the officiant perspective. I would sit her down and say you want a stress free day, and don't want to give anyone a job so you already hired an officiant. Then tell her some other way she is involved, like getting ready with you, etc.
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VIP August 2018
Kristen · on November 28, 2018 at 10:54 AM
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Ugh it's definitely a tough spot to be in but I agree with PPs that you are going to have to just flat out tell her no. Tell her that while you appreciate the offer you and FH would prefer your friend to do it. You've always imagined your wedding day with her as a guest of honor being able to watch you get married and that you don't want to give her a job to do on such a especial day - you want her to relax and enjoy herself.
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Devoted June 2019
Laurel · on November 28, 2018 at 1:42 PM
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We’re having our moms light the candles for our unity candle lighting. It gives them a way to be involved in the ceremony without the risk of your mom being unable to officiate. (My mom is the same way so I completely understand what you’re going through)
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Champion December 2017
earias · on November 29, 2018 at 12:10 AM
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I would be more practical about it and explain that the officiant is the most important vendor of a wedding and there are many legal requirements they must get right for you to be officially married. It's not just speaking at the ceremony. There are forms to complete and deadlines to do so and everything has to be done a certain way or you're not married. Does your mom really want all that pressure on her to get it right or worry that she is the reason you're not legally married?
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Expert September 2019
Stephanie · on November 29, 2018 at 9:18 PM
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My mom is a priest, and tbh, if she wasn’t my mom, I would want her in a heartbeat as I love her weddings! However, ever since I was little, she always told me she would not officiate my (or my sister’s) wedding because she wants to enjoy being “mom” and not working. She has changed her tune slightly now and has said that if I really want her to do it, she will, but I don’t want her to. I think it is important that we can both enjoy the day as her just being my mom. She is going to write a prayer for us, but other than that she isn’t involved in the ceremony.
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