Karen
Just Said Yes November 2022

My mom wants to invite someone i dislike!!

Karen, on October 13, 2021 at 8:16 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19
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Hi all! I definitely need help with this one. My mom has a friend, let’s call her Jane. My fiancé (boyfriend at the time that we met her) and I met Jane at a pub crawl about 4 years ago. She was nice at first, but when I asked my fiancé if I should get another glass of wine, Jane butted in and said “oh you have to take orders from him now? You’re already at that point in your relationship? This won’t last long.” We we’re totally taken aback. How could someone that just met us talk to us this way? The pub crawl continues and she became a belligerent drunk; cursing in restaurants with families in them, stumbling over herself. Literally awful.
I’ve told my mom my issues with Jane many times and my mom continues to blow me off and say “that’s not what happened, you’re remembering it wrong, I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it.” Totally gaslighting the situation.
Fast-forward to now, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding and my mom really has the nerve to ask if she could invite Jane. I told her all of the reasons why and my mom very passive aggressively said “just forget it.” Am I in the wrong here? How do I address this with my mom without it turning into world war 3? I feel like she doesn’t understand where my fiancé and I are coming from.

19 Comments

Latest activity by Janicaellison, on October 16, 2021 at 7:03 PM
  • Ginny
    Beginner October 2021
    Ginny ·
    • Flag
    Personally, I would work more on feelings, rather than events. “We really want people at our wedding who have always supported our relationship and we just don’t feel as though Jane has done that.”
    • Reply
  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    You are not in the wrong. Not only are you not close to this person, she insulted you and your fiancé. Not to mention she showed you how she acts when drunk in public, which means there is a good possibility she will behave that way at your wedding. I would just explain to your mom that you only want those closest to you at the wedding, and you do not feel close to this woman. And that based on the behavior you’ve witnessed, you feel she could be a liability.
    • Reply
  • Karen
    Just Said Yes November 2022
    Karen ·
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    Thank you for your advice Ginny! I definitely feel that way. I’m just getting the feeling that my mom thinks this is a personal attack on her friendship with Jane? I’m not really sure. I can’t put myself in my mom’s shoes and understand why she would want this person present on my most special day.
    • Reply
  • Karen
    Just Said Yes November 2022
    Karen ·
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    100% agree Cece! My fiancé brought up her behavior as well. We do NOT need a drunken mess at our wedding.
    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    You should not have anyone at your wedding you don’t want there. You did nothing wrong.
    • Reply
  • Frankie
    Dedicated April 2022
    Frankie ·
    • Flag
    While I agree with others, I wanna ask who is footing the bill ? If you and your fiancé are paying for most of it, is she (or your dad) contributing?
    Because while she shouldn't ask you to invite someone you don't want there (no matter the reasons), money equals power in decision-making and 90% of parents put strings when they 'gift' their kids with money, especially when it comes to the guest list and the venue.
    • Reply
  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
    • Flag
    Stop discussing the guest list with your mom and be sure you don't let her "help" with invitations. You should absolutely not invite this person, who has no respect for your relationship and won't behave herself if an open bar is involved.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Stand your ground and learn to set and maintain boundaries with consequences. She has no right to gaslight or bully/pressure you and you decide who is invited, not her. Is she contributing financially to the wedding? If so, that gives her leverage, so return any money that she has spent and only invite those you and fiancé want in attendance. Mom can host other people in her home on her own time.
    • Reply
  • Karen
    Just Said Yes November 2022
    Karen ·
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    My mom is buying my wedding dress
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    That does not give her power to choose the guest list.
    • Reply
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    Honestly, it feels like the situation is resolved? She said forget about it. No need to bring it up again. If SHE does, just reply “mom, you said forget about it and we have. Jane is not invited” and change it he subject.
    • Reply
  • Frankie
    Dedicated April 2022
    Frankie ·
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    In this situation, she doesn't get a say on the guest list, even if you liked Jane.

    At the end of the day, she needs to know that this is YOUR and YOUR FIANCÉ'S wedding, not hers. Kindly but firmly.

    The point of a wedding is to celebrate 2 people who love each other and want to commit to each other 100%.

    Someone who doesn't respect you and your relationship can't make the cut and mom has the rest of her life to hang out with Jane. Had someone told her something similar would she invite the person to a party or a vow renewal?

    • Reply
  • Elri
    Dedicated September 2021
    Elri ·
    • Flag
    Yes, I agree. She already put an end to the discussion, so just let it end.
    • Reply
  • Candace
    Devoted March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    So your mom wants you to invite someone you have only had an interaction with four years ago? Or has she been an ongoing friend but you don't like her because of this interaction that happened? Does your mom want to bring her as a plus one? I'm confused as to why your mom wants her invited.
    • Reply
  • Tina & Darren
    Devoted November 2021
    Tina & Darren ·
    • Flag

    I totally agree with everyone...it's your wedding and if you and ur FH don't want someone there then you don't have to. It's your special day and if it's someone that you feel uncomfortable with ..then they are not invited to your wedding

    • Reply
  • Karen
    Just Said Yes November 2022
    Karen ·
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    Thank you everyone for your input!! I was really stressing about this because I have such a close-knit relationship with my mom so for her to not understand my point of view really bothered me, plus I don't ever want her and me to have a disagreement. It seems like my mom is over this topic so I'm hoping we really did put this behind us.

    • Reply
  • Tina & Darren
    Devoted November 2021
    Tina & Darren ·
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    It's behind you guys ..I don't think your mom will let anything come in between yall relationship or for that matter miss up your guys special day

    • Reply
  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag

    I would say you are only inviting people who you have known for a long time and who have supported you in your relationship

    • Reply
  • Janicaellison
    Dedicated July 2022
    Janicaellison ·
    • Flag
    Hello tell your mom that this is your Wedding Day and you don’t want that person at y’all Wedding and that supposed to be y’all Happy day of Y’all Life and all do to respect that person is not welcome
    • Reply

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