Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Audrey
Devoted October 2018

My mom is getting married before me

Audrey, on March 17, 2018 at 1:12 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 16
Let me start off this little rant by saying that my mom and I are super close. Her fiancé is an amazing person, and I truly am happy for her. However, I'm pretty salty.

I got engaged last summer. A week after our engagement, his moms choked at a BBQ and passed away. FH and I still went ahead with planning because we don't want to be engaged forever. My mom has been with her guy for two years and on NYE he proposed to her. Even though I'll be 24 next month, I had/have a hard time accepting that my mom is remarrying (my dad left when I was 9, and it's only been her, my brother, and me since. So letting someone into our click is hard for me). Either way, I'm trying to just be happy for her and supportive (because I really deep down am). I'm getting married in October. My mom tells me she's getting married in May. At first I could careless that she was getting married before me and I understand why. They're older, he has his own home, and it's second time around for both. The plan for their wedding was going to be a small church service with immediate family only, and then perhaps a BBQ or we'd go out to dinner after. Now, apparently, it has turn to this bigger wedding of 75 people, with a real reception (to a degree). In her FBIL backyard (it's huge) with all the basic shabangs of a wedding. And every time we say something about it she always go, "well it is a big day," or, "it's going to be fancy." At this point, I'm just highly annoyed.

I know its completey ridiculous to feel this way. By this time next year, I'll be at home with FH and not even remember I felt this way. I think I'm just upset because I'm not able to enjoy my enagagment as much as I should (FMIL's passing, his house going into foreclosure-he still lived at home- having to clear out the whole house because his dad refused, and no not out of grief. Having to give away his childhood cats because his dad didn't want them. Btw, they were still married). They are attached to the hip, which is amazing and I'm so happy that she has someone to click with and love, but it comes to a point where she won't acknowledge anybody else either. If we're taking and he calls, she immediately answers and that's the new conversation. If we're at the dinner table and I try to start a conversation with her, and she thinks of something to tell him, she'll interrupt me to talk to him. I don't think I've actively hung out with my mom in months. We were supposed to go to a bridal expo this Sunday, just her and me, but his nephew is on life support due to sirosis and she has to be with him for that. Which I completely understand!! But I'm still bummed that our one on one time got pushed to the side again.

On top that, I need to help her with everything. I created the invitations, I downloaded their catering menu, etc. it's just bleh.

Im really sorry for the extremely long rant. It did feel really good to get it off my chest. Thank you to anyone who reads Smiley smile

16 Comments

Latest activity by James, on March 17, 2018 at 6:23 PM
  • M
    VIP June 2018
    Marcellab ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Sometimes it's just good to get everything off your chest.

    I don't have any advice or comforting words but I do help that everything works out for you with minimal frustration moving forward. And I'm sorry for you loss.

    • Reply
  • ACD
    Expert October 2018
    ACD ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    My personal favorite form of therapy is writing everything down i want to say and either ripping it up and throwing it away or realizing that I need to tell the person how I'm feeling. I'm so sorry about your FMIL. It's super frustrating when someone close to us, like your mom, isn't there for you to lean on. Have you considered discussing this with your mom? It seems like you're very close and it could be an uncomfortable conversation but it seems like you're more upset that he is becoming more important (which is understandable) Just some food for though- good luck !

    • Reply
  • O
    Master October 2017
    O ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I get this dynamic. I've gone through something similar with my own mom, and her relationship with her boyfriend while I was planning my wedding.
    I worked through this type of thing with a therapist, and invited my mom to a couple sessions, it sucked, but it has helped.
    I hope it gets better for you!
    • Reply
  • M
    Devoted August 2018
    Micahleah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    My heart goes out to you on this. My mom did the same thing to me when I was 12. Spent almost a year talking about how beautiful the wedding was going to be, and how great everything was going to be for the baby and my brother and her FH, oh and me as well. I didn't "hang out" with her at all for a few years after that. I just had the luck to have it happen to me when I was young enough to grow past it for my own wedding. You'll grow past it, too. It'll hurt, though. Talk it through with a licensed mental health professional. It'll do wonders.
    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated November 2019
    sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Thats nice, and do you want aome bean dip?
    no that doesnt work for me, I can help you with xyz, i am planning my wedding.

    mom, I love you, I am extremely happy for you, however, your engagement, relationship with first name, has begun to exlipse our relationship as mother and daughter. I need a break from this, and will no longer be able to help you with your planning. I need time to see where our relationship is foinf to end up and wjat that is going to look like.

    then, take a break, a time out. Take the amount of timw that you need to feel comfortable hav8ng a relationship with her that is mutually respectful of each others times, feelings, etc

    Also, call hwr our on it, she *may* be trainable or nit realize she is doing it.
    when she interrupts, intterupt her, "first name (not mom), I had something I wanted to discuss with you, let me know when you are ready to prioritize me and this subject" then walk away.

    if she stammers "but what abot what is important to meeeeeee... this amazing/shickinf/stunninf/walk on water thung just happened!."

    first name, I understand it is important to you, enough to interrupt me, however, it is disrespectful, I will call you / talk to you tomorrow and we can see if I am a priority for you then.
    and hang up, walk away.

    you are both grown, she is your mom but also your peer. you can absolutely tell her that you cant work on her wedding. If she pitches anfit then there is a bigger issue and steppinf back from the relationship is a good idea.
    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2018
    Turnicia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Great advice!
    • Reply
  • Erica
    Expert August 2018
    Erica ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I'm sorry about your loss. I completely understand. I'm going through it with my sister. I love my sister because she is my sister. But she always the center of attention. She could never let me be happy because it come back to her. I can't enjoy the time due to her drama. So, I wish it was August already. Anyways because she is your mom and might be easier to talk to her them my sister. I would talk to her and express your concern. Express how you feel. Express your concern. Stay postive. And enjoy your engagement. At least thats what I'm trying to do. If you ever need to vent. You could vent to me.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Master October 2018
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Im sorrt i understand to some point .. my fh cousin got engaged on christmas and are getting married this summer .. and fh and me will have been engaged for 2 and half years at pur wedding in oct .. it is what ot is i guess
    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated April 2018
    April ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Let me start off by saying I am very sorry for your lost. The relationship between a daughter and a mother is a precious bond that only Jehovah creates. When there is any type of interruption, distraction or obstacle it usually creates a hurt that is almost unbearable. And usually it is the daughter no matter how old that feels it. Pray on your situation and ask the Lord to order your steps in how to handle this situation and to give you the strength and the words to address this with your mother. It is a much needed conversation that you must have or you will not be able to regain your focus and take a step back from helping your mother to getting back to the excitement of planning for your own big day. Good Luck to you.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP September 2018
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I get you! FH and I got engaged and everyone in the family was ecstatic! We did not take pictures of him asking me to marry him. It was more just a moment between he and I. One week later, his cousin got engaged in a much more elaborate setting and posted the pictures everywhere. Suddenly no one cared about us getting married anymore. When we booked our venue in his hometown and set our date for 09.22.2018. We told everyone (via a FB page) that we were going to go with a nautical theme (someone asked “any theme?”). His cousin decides to do a destination wedding in the Dominican for May 2018. It doesn’t get much more nautical then a wedding and reception on the beach 😒. Now I know that they aren’t purposely trying to rain on our parade and they’re entitled to do whatever they want whenever they want. But it bothers me that they are going to have the bar set so high from everyone in FHs family after their BEAUTIFUL wedding and reception on the beach in the DR. I have moments where I just want to give up planning bc our wedding just isn’t going to compare. But I tell myself, that’s not what this is about, we aren’t a battle of the weddings here. Their wedding will be awesome, and so will ours, each in its own way. They have the ultimate destination but few in attendance as it was fairly expensive for most. We have a local hometown wedding but we will have the majority of family in attendance since it’s convenient. There are pros and cons to everything.
    • Reply
  • Audrey
    Devoted October 2018
    Audrey ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Thank you everyone for such kind words!!

    I know, to a degree, I'm being selfish. After everything she's been through the past ten years, she deserves this more than anyone I know.

    But its just a lot at once.

    I have tried talking to her, but she gets extremely defensive, which I understand. Everything's only temporary.
    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Keep reminding yourself that there is enough joy and happiness in the world for everyone. Just because someone is celebrating your Mom's happiness, doesn't mean they don't have some leftover for you.

    I dare you to get though your Mom's wedding without someone congratulating you on your upcoming wedding. You will be taking attention away from your Mom on her special day.

    You will be a lot happier if you can share her joy rather than continue to resent her timing.

    • Reply
  • Audrey
    Devoted October 2018
    Audrey ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh I completely know that. It's not just the timing that bothers me. It's a lot of change at once for me. It's always been her, my brother and myself. The three of us. Now someone is penetrating what we have and I'm just not used to that.

    I am so incredibly happy for her. I really am!! As I said originally, I think I'm also upset because my engagement is pretty crappy at the moment due to FMIL's passing, having to clean out the house by himself, and several other things.

    I know by this time time next year I'm going to not even think of it. I'm used to spending a lot of time with my mom and lately her world is so enthralled by him that no one else matters. And I get it, I'm just trying to adjust.
    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Now someone is penetrating what we have and I'm just not used to that.

    Actually, two someones- her FI and yours.

    Choose happy.

    • Reply
  • The Nuptials
    VIP July 2018
    The Nuptials ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree I best you her mom thought the same thing.

    OP, chin up I know it’s hard. If it’s too much at times it’s ok to back away from helping her so much.
    • Reply
  • James
    Dedicated August 2018
    James ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I get it. My dad get engaged a week after me and is determined to get married in July. We're getting married in August and made this big fuss about our date, even tho he knew our date before he picked his. Our weddings are 3 weeks and 12 hours apart. It's putting a lot of added stress on me. -amanda
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Explore how we embrace diversity

Groups

WeddingWire article topics