My mom is envious and jealous of my future in-laws

Remind her that she raised a better daughter than that. One whose love cannot be bought.

Is she envious/jealous or saddened that she can't do as much as they can?

I don't think there's much you can do, since it's her feelings, except for being appreciative for what she can do and don't ever compare the gifts or presents.

I'm in a similar situation as you. My mother is well off, but my FH's parents aren't. They are actually trying to sell their house in Kentucky and they're packing up to move in with us in Arizona this week. They'll be here by next weekend. My mother keeps offering to pay for this or that with the wedding and I keep telling her that although that is very generous of her, that would not be fair to my FIL's and would make them feel bad. It's a constant battle actually. I'm still hoping she doesn't invite her friends with her to rehearsal dinner before the wedding. She keeps insisting that OOT guests should be invited, and I keep explaining that we simply can't afford to pay for everyone and it's not fair when FH's parents can't invite their friends. Sometimes she does what she wants anyway.... Maybe you could have a shower for both of you for both sides of the family? I've never heard of a shower for the groom....

@ E-Tex, she has said that she is saddened that she can't do as much as they are doing for the wedding. She is envious and jealous too. Several months back, when my mom was in town, she got really mad when my FFIL left a message on our machine to see if we made a decision regarding DJs. She made a comment that my FFIL was purposely calling when she was there to shove things in her face. That wasn't the case.

@AlexisMO, We decided on two showers because FH has a lot of female relatives and plus there are the wives and girlfriends of FH's uncles and cousins. Showers from the groom's side occasionally happen where i'm from. My side is a little bit smaller and many of my friends from high school and college really don't know my FMIL and FSIL. Those are the reasons why we are doing two showers.

@ E-Tex, she has said that she is saddened that she can't do as much as they are doing for the wedding. She is envious and jealous too. Several months back, when my mom was in town, she got really mad when my FFIL left a message on our machine to see if we made a decision regarding DJs. She made a comment that my FFIL was purposely calling when she was there to shove things in her face. That wasn't the case.

@AlexisMO, We decided on two showers because FH has a lot of female relatives and plus there are the wives and girlfriends of FH's uncles and cousins. Showers from the groom's side occasionally happen where i'm from. My side is a little bit smaller and many of my friends from high school and college really don't know my FMIL and FSIL. Those are the reasons why we are doing two showers.

I don't think it matters if they know them or not. It's about celebrating the couple. Not who knows who, but ok.... Seems like it's just creating more drama than there really needs to be.

Based on what you're telling us, she looks more insecure than jealous or envious. Jealous/envious has such a negative connotation and tends to be quickly labeled when there might be something else.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

I do try to understand where is coming from. My FH and I have decided to keep certain details about the wedding from her, in order not to make her feel bad. However, I feel bad keeping things from her.

I'm dealing with this too. My parents are really unable to do anything for us, while DH's parents have been able to really help us along the way...from helping us buy or house, cars, etc. My mom just has a jealous heart. She's jealous of everyone for just about everything...so I'm kind of used to hearing it already. She's always been like that. I just don't tell her about much anymore. Not worth it.

Where I'm from they often do showers with the grooms side and showers with the brides side too. Since fh doesnt have a lot of females in his family, we are doing one shower for both sides. Maybe you could talk to your in laws about a joined party.

My inlaws have allowed me to select things but everything is pretty much taken care of. I did invite my mom to some planning meetings with vendors. She didn't go because of my in laws. As for the MOB dress, my mom has told me she wants to wear something she already has. It was dress she got when she was moh for a wedding about ten years ago. It's in very good condition. Maybe I will offer to buy her something new for the wedding.

My inlaws have allowed me to select things but everything is pretty much taken care of. I did invite my mom to some planning meetings with vendors. She didn't go because of my in laws. As for the MOB dress, my mom has told me she wants to wear something she already has. It was dress she got when she was moh for a wedding about ten years ago. It's in very good condition. Maybe I will offer to buy her something new for the wedding.

Has your mom spoken to your in laws at all? I'm in a similar situation. My mom was a little jealous at first. She said that she doesn't want my FMIL involved too much in the planning because she is paying for the wedding. I told my mom that I wanted my FMIL involved in the planning since she doesn't have any daughters and isn't involved much in her other son's wedding planning. She came around and called my FMIL. Now they are both happy and looking at venues with us. There will be parts of the wedding to where only she will be involved. Have you thought about areas of the wedding that you and your mother can plan without your in laws so she feels more included?

My mom and in laws do speak. I got engaged last year. My mom was the first one told and she said she felt bad that she couldn't help. My in-laws stepped up right away and said they would help. My mom found it on early on and was upset. She would be put up a front when talking to my in laws about the wedding. She didn't go with us to look at venues, talk with vendors and other related things. I went alone to pick my dress because my mom was in another state at the time dealing with my grandfather. Everything with the wedding is already booked and paid for. The only things I could have my mom involved is possibly in favor making.

She also feels bad that she can't put any money towards the shower and my sister is the main host for that. My sister will have her involved with planning of that. I know my mom will continue with the comparsions to the shower for the groom's side of the family.

Money doesn't make the difference in parties or showers in my opinion - it's the people you're sharing those times with. Your two showers will be different, mostly because of the people at each being different.

As far as when kids come along, I had two sets of grandparents with different finances- I've actually always been closer to my maternal grandmother (my maternal grandfather died when I was very young) who had less money because we spent more time with her. I don't think she ever spent very much on our birthday presents, but she would take us out shopping for it (back when we were little and she could leave the house a lot easier than she can now), and possibly got us lunch (probably at McDonalds) for our special day out. She took a lot more interest in us. Meanwhile, my other grandparents would hit or miss on presents, and didn't spend much time with us. I love them, but I've never been close to them. As nice as it was that they were able to give me some money to help with college (for about a semester or two - college is expensive!!!), it really is the relationship that's important. All that other stuff is just distraction.

I will tell my mom that there will be differences at the showers because of the crowds. Only my mom and sister will be attending the shower for groom's side. I want them to know the groom's family too, even though my mom will likely find issues with the shower for the groom's side.

Just remind her that money doesn't matter to you, and it's a blessing that fh's family is able to help, but that doesn't mean that you love them more. Remind her that she's your mom, and no one could ever replace her! She just needs to know that you love her and need her. And remind her that when you do have kids, they aren't going to remember all the stuff they got, they're going to remember the love and time spent with them! I'm sure she just wants to feel needed and needs a reminder of how loved she is! Is there any way you could try to include her in more wedding stuff, even if it's not financial type stuff? It might make her feel better to be included in more stuff as well! Praying it all works out well for you, and for your mom! =)