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Ashlie
Savvy February 2022

My mom and her boyfriend

Ashlie, on October 6, 2019 at 2:04 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 20
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So, I'm going to start this off by saying, no my mom is not helping me with my wedding in any way. Which I'm 100% dandy with. It's been myself, fiance, and the future in laws that have been paying for everything, bulk of it being the in laws. So there hasn't been any issues with his parent's giving us a list of people they would like to invite to the wedding because it's honestly the very least we can do at this point.


But here's my issue, my mom has been seeing this guy for 5-ish months now. My fiance and I live about 6 hours away, and I finally met him in August because he paid for the trip to get my mom and younger sister to us and other family to celebrate my sister's birthday. Sweet gesture, and I didn't expect a whole lot from him since he was meeting us all for the first time. I didn't write him off or anything, I had nothing to validate that. Fast forward to a month, I'm back in DFW to watch my uncle marry the love of his life. I had driven my mom and sister to her boyfriends house and he drove us the last 15 minutes to the venue. My mom had spent the whole time wrapped up in him, and my sister. Pretty much pushing me, and the rest of the family we had came to see aside. Knowing her wasn't really surprising. It wasn't until we were heading back to his house to pick up my car to go back to my mom's that she mentioned to him that he needed to take time off for MY wedding coming up in March. As far as I'm aware we had not discussed this at all. I hadn't decided at this point if I would be inviting him, I was just waiting to see how it all played out up until December/January when we started sending out invites. She bounces around to different relationships very frequently and I don't want to have a rando that's only temporary there on our special day. She's taken away so many important parts of this planning process, including dress shopping. I'm emotionally exhausted and fed up. If she didn't have my sister I would've severed ties with this woman when I had moved out.


I'm extremely upset about this and now I don't want to have him there because she made the assumption that he was invited. I for one, do not know this man, let alone truly trust him around my little sister. To be frank, I'm angry about this. How would you go about it? I don't have a good relationship with her, and I don't know how to talk about this without it blowing up out of proportion. I'm very emotional and she manipulates that.


TLDR; emotionally distant manipulative mom invites her boyfriend of 5 months to my wedding she has not helped pay for or plan. How do I tell her he's not invited?

20 Comments

Latest activity by Amanda, on October 8, 2019 at 11:26 PM
  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
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    Just be honest! You have to know that if you don’t allow him to come, she, and maybe your sister, may also not come.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Are you prepared that if you don’t invite him your mother may not attend your wedding? I can understand that you don’t want some random person there but if they’ve already been dating 5 months, they’ll have been dating almost a year by the time your wedding happens. That’s not a random person- it’s a significant other. Unless you aren’t inviting any significant others, I don’t see how you can tell your mom no.
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  • Ashlie
    Savvy February 2022
    Ashlie ·
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    My biggest fear is that she will keep the little one away from me. I love my little sister and that would absolutely tear me apart.

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  • Monique
    Devoted August 2020
    Monique ·
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    If your parents are split up, I would say just tell your mom it would be weird for you to have your parents have dates. If she pouts and doesn't go, I'm sure someone (like a family member that lives in the same town as your sister) could pick up your sister and still have her attend the wedding.
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  • Monique
    Devoted August 2020
    Monique ·
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    You could also ask your sister to be a junior bridesmaid or something so then she would have a role in the wedding and would have another reason why she should go
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  • Ashlie
    Savvy February 2022
    Ashlie ·
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    We have plus ones on the guest list, so I'm not opposed to having SO's attending. We're celebrating our love we want our loved ones to share with their loves. My point being is that my mom and I had not discussed at all that he would be attending. She purposely brought it up directly in front of me in the most uncomfortable way that I could not have been able to say no in that moment.

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  • Ashlie
    Savvy February 2022
    Ashlie ·
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    My sis is going to be our flower girl(8 yrs old), and I honestly don't think I could put another family member in the middle like that.

    My dad isn't seeing anyone that I know of, so that might work?

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  • Monique
    Devoted August 2020
    Monique ·
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    It's definitely a hard situation but for me, I would rather ask someone to bring my sister because my mom took my sister home with her in the middle of my grad and I never saw my sister that day. I remember us talking about dancing together and we never got to so I personally was going to ask my grandma to bring my sister to the wedding. But it's definitely a personal choice.

    Yeah that might work. I guess you'll have to tell her and see how it goes
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Anyone who has already been in a committed, exclusive relationship by the time invitations are addressed at 10-12 weeks out, must be invited as a couple. This is not a plus one. They are already a social unit, and you need to put his name on an invitation, and get his address from mom if they do not live together. If they break up before the wedding, you do not send ( or may uninvite) him, and it does not give her the right to invite anyone as a replacement. Once a person let's it be known they are in a committed relationship, SO or significant other on here, hostesses invite both halves of the couple, or neither of them. It is a package deal, whether you k ow or like the person, or not. Unless someone is violent, or abusive toward you, or engages in criminal behavior. Then, only, do you not invite her SO boyfriend. All your married life, whether people your FI ( husband) knows from work, sports or before he met you, when he is invited somewhere, you expect to be invited too. You don't want his boss' wife saying, I met his wife at last year's Christmas party, and I don't like her. I don't like your secretary's husband either. So we won't invite them, and ( your FI) and ( secretary) can sit together and dance together all night. NO. You decide if youare in a SO relationship, dating, engaged, or married. And people must consider you a couple and invite you together or not at all, without everyone passing judgement whether they like you or not. Rules of civil behavior. This guy may be around for a year, 3 years, or they may be together for 20. But as long as he is civil to you, you invite him a d mom, or neither of them. And even if they are in a wedding party and your sister, a child below high school age is not invited without at least one of the child's custodial parents.
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  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
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    I disagree strongly. No one is entitled to be invited to a wedding. It’s a courtesy to do so but in no way required.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    The fact that usual etiquette requires that if she is invited , he must be, means that unless your mother assumes you to be rude and ignorant of social manners, of course he is going to be invited. Surely you cannot hold it against her that she just assumed you have good manners? It never occurred to her that you would be ill mannered enough not to invite her SO. Just as you assume than anyone who is inviting you, would not be so rude as to not invite your fiance. Don't get your back up because she made a perfectly normal assumption, consistent with correct social ettiquette. . . As for sister, if Mom is the custodial parent, she decides if sis can go with Grandma or dad. Not up to them or you . Don't make your little sister a pawn. Holding grudges about mom leaving one occasion before you saw little sister, is not a good reason to bar her from the next occasion . In time, this tug of war would emotionally scar your younger sister. Please be civil, whether you like them or not, and invite mom's boyfriend and mom, if you ever want your sister at this time or any other. ( Unless I have missed something, and grandma or dad is equally a custodial person for sis, joint custody with Mom ).
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  • Fmv
    Super October 2020
    Fmv ·
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    I also strongly disagree. Nobody is entitled a wedding invite just because they are dating or seeing eachother. Etiquette is so out of date. Everyone should be able to make their own rules.
    The poster clearly stated she has a strained relationship with her mother. So yes it was rude of her mother to assume the boyfriend would be invited especially since the bride does not know him. It would have been nice of her mother to ask her PRIVATELY if the boyfriend would be invited and not mention it infront of the bride and put her in an awkward situation
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  • Farrah
    Devoted September 2019
    Farrah ·
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    My mom wasn’t dating anyone, but she’s had this guy that kind of pops in and out when it’s convenient for him and I told her 100% she was not getting a plus one. My dad and my step mom recently separated and their divorce wasn’t even final before my wedding and he told me to include him a plus one and I made it clear to him that he wasn’t getting a plus one either, especially since my step mom would be attending as well. Stick to your guns! It’s your day.
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  • Renee
    Super October 2020
    Renee ·
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    If you're ok with plus ones, and you were thinking about inviting him anyways, I would still invite him. It sounded like you don't want to invite him due to your mom assuming that she could bring him when you hadn't said yes yet. I could be wrong but that's just how it sounded to me. It doesn't seem like you have anything against him either, especially after he paid for a trip so everyone could be together.

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  • H
    Devoted November 2019
    Heather ·
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    I would just give her a plus one. Less drama and maybe she wont be bothered to cause some other unforeseen drama. Refusing her a date seems like a way to make a point on how you feel about her and do you really want to use your wedding as a way to stir up that drama. If you were near capacity maybe but never underestimate a mother scorned. She could ruin your day in ways you cant imagine. Compared to a rando at your wedding that you wont notice, it's a small price to pay. You could tell her that you dont appreciate the assumption but you want her to enjoy the day. Be the bigger person and save the drama for something that matters. That's just my opinion but it's your wedding so do what you think is best for you.
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  • Jill
    Jill ·
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    The mother's boyfriend needs to be invited if they are still together when invitations go out. You don't ask someone to celebrate your marriage and your relationship while disrespecting someone else's. Be prepared for your mother and sister to not attend your wedding if you do this.

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  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
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    Why don't you trust him around your sister?

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  • Ashlie
    Savvy February 2022
    Ashlie ·
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    I can’t tell y’all how appreciative I am for everyone’s input, regardless of how rude or judgmental a comment or two had been. It’s made this a lot easier. I feel like I had other feelings at play with this. It was just a rough weekend with her all around. But y’all have been great. Smiley smile definitely helped me resolve some issues with this and helped me move passed and feel the bigger person in all of it.
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  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
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    Ashlie I wish you the best if they are still together when you start planning wedding I would invite him !

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  • A
    Beginner September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I’m in a similar situation and I’ve just told everyone that there are no plus ones because we are on a budget and need to keep it tight. It is specifically to counter my mothers boyfriend- so we limited invitations to spouses/ relationships of 2 years +
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