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Just Said Yes July 2018

My mil Won’t Cut Her Guestlist

New York, on March 20, 2018 at 11:34 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 24

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My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My second, his first. It’s a destination wedding as we live far from everyone we know, and I asked to keep it small because I don’t feel comfortable with having lots of unfamiliar faces and want just our closest people. The venue is also VERY pricy and designed for a small group (quality over quantity). So, given the budget, the venue, and my personal preference as the bride, we made a list of about 100 guests, including some friends and cousins of my fiancé’s parents to be nice. My goal was to end up with 80 guests max. Then, I found out my fiancé’s mom just went ahead and verbally invited 60 people (I haven’t even told her how many she can invite or invited my own guests!). I’m so hurt and actually livid — she didn’t even offer to pay for a single one, let alone ask permission. I tried to compromise and said a table fits 8, so can you pick one table of friends? She kept me waiting a week and then cut 3 friends, claiming the majority of her guests won’t come so it’s really just 15 (still more than I said!). Now I will have a minimum of two whole tables filled with just her friends, which is probably more than my own since I kept the list very small. I’m honestly shocked at how rude this is. I explained how expensive this wedding is and how I want to keep it small but she didn’t comply, nor did she feel it was worth addressing — no apology or anything. My fiancé can’t say no to her because he says “it’s normal for parents to have friends at a wedding” and feels 15 is an appropriate number. He is not conscious of budget and doesn’t think me wanting an intimate wedding warrants her not having her friends there. I see it totally differently — I don’t think parents need friends at a small destination wedding their kids are paying for, and I don’t think I need to go bankrupt so that she can have them. This is not a big reception hall with mediocre food where you pack in 250 guests for $50-$100 a person. The venue fits 150 guests max and costs $400 a head — I wanted to really treat our closest people to something special, but my fiancé just doesn’t get it and won’t put his foot down with his mom. He says “just cut some of my guests then.” That’s unacceptable to me. I should be spending this extra money on my honeymoon, not so that my mother in law can have more friends than the bride at my wedding. At this point, I want to tell her that if she can’t choose an appropriate number of friends she can’t invite any. What else can I do?? Any advice is so appreciated.

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24 Comments

Latest activity by New York, on March 21, 2018 at 9:08 PM

VIP January 2019
NVV2B · on March 20, 2018 at 11:42 AM
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You say your FH is unaware of the cost? Well spell it out for him. Tell him these 15 friends are costing you two $6,000!!! That is no small chunk of change.
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Devoted May 2018
Jessica · on March 20, 2018 at 11:46 AM
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Dang. I feel sorry for you, but mostly because FH is not on your side. I think you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how much her "15" friends are going to cost HIM and what exactly he is missing because he won't stand his ground. Sounds like MIL is used to trampling all over everyone and is setting the stage for your relationship in future. I wouldn't put up with it, personally. I'd tell her she gets 8 people, that's it. No discussion. Ask for the addresses and if she gives you more than that, tell her she needs to pick which 8 and if not you just pick the 8 you see first on the list. I honestly think you guys might need some premarital counseling to figure out how to work as a team and help FH break with Mommy so you are United. If it doesn't work, FH still doesn't care... Realize that this is going to be a lifelong issue.
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Devoted June 2018
Heather · on March 20, 2018 at 11:48 AM
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Agreed! This is setting the precedent for many more things that are going to come. FH needs to understand when something it said to his Mom, it's coming from both of you and he needs to stand by you, not her.
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Just Said Yes July 2018
New York · on March 20, 2018 at 11:50 AM
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Thank you. I agree! That's why I did the math, but even when I told him the cost, he said he'd rather pay it and have her be happy. It's a nice idea, but it's literally at the expense of my happiness as the bride.
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VIP September 2018
Happy Hedgie · on March 20, 2018 at 11:52 AM
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First of all, you and your FH need to get on the same page. You will have a hard time telling her she can't invite her friends if he doesn't back you up or agree with you. Sit down and have a conversation with him about it. Outline all of the costs, discuss who you both want to be invited, etc. Then once you are both in agreement HE should talk to his mother. You and your FH are a team and you need to present a united front.
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Just Said Yes July 2018
New York · on March 20, 2018 at 12:00 PM
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I totally agree. Everyone's advice has been spot-on. His position is that he'd rather cut his own friends than hers at this point, but I know his friends and love them -- hers are the strangers that I feel are not essential. It's very hard for him to say no to her, and personally he loves a big wedding so he doesn't care about the numbers (or, seemingly, the cost). I just can't seem to get him to understand he has to support what I want. He felt that her cutting a few people was reasonable.
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Master July 2017
Going to the chapel · on March 20, 2018 at 12:01 PM
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Your problem isn't your FMIL, it's your FH. He's a momma's boy and that needs to stop or the remainder of your married life will be extremely difficult. I wouldn't host those friends for $6,000. No way, no how. This is one case where I wouldn't back down because that $6,000 isn't his money - it's our money. And FMIL can be the one to tell her friends they really aren't invited.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on March 20, 2018 at 12:04 PM
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You might want to think again about marrying someone who prefers to make his mother happy at great expense rather than make his wife happy at her own wedding. How about some couple's counseling?
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Devoted September 2018
J'Neil · on March 20, 2018 at 12:07 PM
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Like the other comments, first you should talk with your FH. If the two of you are not on the same page - or he wants to pick his mom’s preferences over yours - there will be issues later on.

Second, it may be useful to break down the numbers by who invited them. I had a similar issue with my FMIL (but felt I could do less because she’s contributing a lot to the wedding) but it helped when I pointed out that with her guest list 50% of the guests would be hers (with 25% my family and friends and the last 25% my FH’s friends) and my FH and I would only know half of those. From there she agreed to at least keep it down to the friends of hers that we know.

You should definitely point out how mich it would cost you and what things you’d have to compromise or sacrifice to accommodate your FMIL’s list.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on March 20, 2018 at 12:07 PM
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If it’s hard for him to say no to her now, that’ll just be worse when you’re married. I agree with pp’s. This isn’t a FMIL issue- it’s an FH issue.
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VIP September 2018
Happy Hedgie · on March 20, 2018 at 12:23 PM
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Well, you may need to compromise with him a bit. If he wants a big wedding and is willing to spend more you don't get to veto this. It is his wedding too and he gets a say in the budget and guest list too (as well as everything else).
I will say the fact that he won't support you and seems to be a momma's boy does not bode well for your future. I think pre-marital counseling is in order. You will have much bigger issues down the line if you can't come to an agreement on how to deal with his mom and how to deal with future issues together. If this isn't worked out now you will have problems throughout your whole marriage.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on March 20, 2018 at 12:56 PM
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I agree with the other PPs that your issue is with your FH not your FMIL. If he is not willing to put you and your happiness first now when it is the "happiest" time for the two of you, imagine how things will be once the "honeymoon" period wears off.
Also, if you haven't sent invitations out yet, don't send them to these extra people. Just because your FMIL verbally invited them doesn't obligate you to actually invite them. When they don't get their invitation, then let your FMIL deal with explaining why.
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Dedicated July 2018
KB · on March 20, 2018 at 1:34 PM
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If you can’t beat them, join them. Tell FMIL she can invite her extra friends but she needs to pay for them. You will need the $6000 by X date to accommodate her friends. I bet her friends won’t be as important when it is her money.
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Super December 2018
Alyssa · on March 20, 2018 at 2:21 PM
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I like your thinking!
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VIP September 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 2:50 PM
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My FHs cousin tried to tell her mom she could only have 6 invites and it ruined their relationship. They got in a huge fight and still aren’t on speaking terms after the wedding. However the Mother was paying for the entire wedding.
in this case it’s your call. It’s your money it’s your call. If you don’t want that many, you just have to say no. My thought is this- if you let her do this then does that mean she will always do things like this?
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Super October 2018
MaltedMilk · on March 20, 2018 at 3:17 PM
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This poster beat me to it. You have bigger problems than an extra $6000 tab - you have a fiance who is not siding with you.
I am 100% with everything Going to the Chapel said.
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on March 20, 2018 at 3:25 PM
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Agreed so much!
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Master May 2018
A.Magill.Since.May · on March 20, 2018 at 3:36 PM
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Seconding this. Recommending counseling asap. Before you walk down the aisle, you need to know he's going to stand by you, not mommy.
Also recommending you go lurk on the support subreddit r/JustNoMIL. It's a great community of people, mostly women, dealing with moms and MILs, and partners, just like yours.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on March 20, 2018 at 4:01 PM
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DWIL at BabyCenter is a great resource for this kind of problem. They don't pull their punch, and the truth can be a tremendous relief.
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Super October 2018
MaltedMilk · on March 20, 2018 at 4:07 PM
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I can appreciate this thinking but please don't do this. To do this would be to tell MIL she can buy her way into/out of a situation that she got herself into and her son will bail her out and worse, defend her. She could whip out a check and smirk at you and your future hubby will still have not learned to be on YOUR side.
As someone who is divorced (although my first hubby was always on my side!) you gotta get this straight....now. Look, I have had way too many girlfriends with husbands who shrugged their shoulders at conflicts between their mother and their wife. Listen, she raised the boy, you get the man. You ans him are a team now. He still loves and respects her (of course!) but you are his priority.
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