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Just Said Yes September 2014

My husband messages women on Facebook. Is this acceptable?

Catherine, on May 6, 2018 at 9:44 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 18
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Hi. I decided to join this forum because I need a second opinion regarding a problem I'm having.
I've been married to my husband for almost 4 years and when we dated he had a few female friends. I was okay with it because he knew them before we met. On our first year of marriage he started this "pattern" that I didn't like. Basically every time he added new woman on Facebook that he just met in person for whatever reason, he would start messaging that woman on the chat window. He did this with every new woman he added! Even with women who were married or in a relationship. So he tries to get to know these women and he's the one who always initiates the conversations.
I told him I didn't like it and he said it was normal for him to talk to people and have friends. I agree but why would a married man want a close friendship with the opposite sex? Because it's not once or twice that he messages them but frequently and to several women!!! How can it be normal?
I took him to counseling and he said he was going to stop but after a couple of months now he started doing it again. He added a female co worker on Facebook. She has a boyfriend and my husband messages her and she messages back as if it's not a big deal.
I want to know if I'm right to feel disrespected or I'm exaggerating. I'm not saying he can't have friends but why does he go out of his way to send them messages? I guess I'm not that special that he wants to talk to other women. I'm a person with morals and I don't want to start a family like this. I can't picture myself being pregnant while he chats with his female friends and continues this pattern of meeting new women.
What do you think about this?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Planet, on June 6, 2022 at 6:46 PM
  • OrangeCrush
    Super October 2017
    OrangeCrush ·
    • Flag

    I would say if it makes you uncomfortable, no matter what the subject of the messages are, he should stop.

    If he has female friends, fine - you guys can ALL get together for drinks and talking.

    If it make you uncomfortable, and it clearly does, he should stop as he is putting his feelings above your own and the "friendship needs" of these women above you.

    • Reply
  • kahlcara
    Master August 2013
    kahlcara ·
    • Flag

    It doesn't sound like he's doing anything objectively wrong and it's not reasonable to ask a spouse to give up his friends. He's communicating with his friends, who happen to be women, not cheating on you. However, it sounds like it's really bothering you, so I think the two of you need to have a calm conversation about it where you can both explain your views and really listen to each other. You may have to reach some sort of compromise so that he can still communicate with his friends without you feeling disrespected by it.

    • Reply
  • L
    Beginner May 2018
    Lashawn ·
    • Flag

    Wow! I totally agree with you! I understand Kahlcara's perspective but I believe that it is wrong for the very essence of it disturbing you. You brought it to his attention and took him to counseling and he still doesn't understand why you are upset? There has to be more to this that meets the eye. It's not just about him having friends, it's about him pursuing new friends consistently regardless of your feelings. You really need to make him understand how this is hurting you. Instead of him having conversations online often with his new friends, is he putting the same time and effort into building up your marriage? Marriage is alot of work and I always remember the concept of making deposits and withdrawals within a relationship. The more withdrawals he makes, the emptier the bank account (marriage becomes). Please talk to him and help him see that he can have friends but his friendship with you is number one priority.

    • Reply
  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
    • Flag

    What kinds of conversations are they having? Is he someone that makes friends really easily and is just very social? Does he ignore you?

    • Reply
  • BB-H
    VIP September 2018
    BB-H ·
    • Flag

    I understand that you may be bothered by this, but you may have to consider that you're overreacting. Without knowing the nature of the conversations, it's hard to say what's going on for sure. It sounds to me like you have reason to distrust him, and if that's the case, I'd say you two need to have some couples counseling (I'm not sure if that's the specific counseling you've already referred to or not) to get to the root of the problem. It is unreasonable to ask him to stop talking with his friends, but if it bothers you this much, I would think that either you have reason to suspect him of cheating, or you are very insecure. Either way, I believe the two of you need to talk to a third party that's not an internet forum.

    • Reply
  • B
    Beginner August 2018
    Billiy ·
    • Flag

    You should discuss about this matter with your husband. Hope he will understand everything and never will message that guy.

    • Reply
  • Missy B
    Devoted October 2019
    Missy B ·
    • Flag

    My opinion of this would depend greatly on the subject matter in the conversations. If he is swapping recipes and talking about nothing exciting, then sure fine, he is friends with women, no biggie.

    If he is having inappropriate conversations...UM NO!

    • Reply
  • April
    Dedicated September 2018
    April ·
    • Flag
    In my opinion, this is just not ok.

    It sounds like the beginning of cheating.

    There is just no need for any of that behavior.

    Im Latina, in my culture we dont find it acceptable for married men to have female friends, theres just no reason.

    Have a sit down and lay down some expectations, some guidelines where you will feel respected.
    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes October 2018
    Crystal ·
    • Flag
    I understand where your coming from and feel .I'm in the same situation but with More hurt due to mine adding a girl who I just found out he's been hanging out with n now textn him n he said he dk who the number was so I texted it nicely seeing who it was .and none answered until he decides to be home with me n the kids this girl texts n tells me who she is n says her n my fh have been together for two mths.and been living together n I just now seen he added her on fb and liked her pic status n her relationship status that is killing me I'm bout to have a break down crying alone since all this and fh swears up n down he didn't cheat she's starting cuz she is mad n likes him n idk wat to believe at all but yes your husband should have that respect for u but if he's not cheating or saying anything he shouldn't being a married man then if u trust him then ok but u said u talked to him n he started doing it again yes he had friends before u but once ur married I don't see why to add anyone new idk I'm on your side with it but do n handle it how ur heart tells u try having a calm talk again with him n take it from there
    • Reply
  • Terri
    June 2019
    Terri ·
    • Flag

    Ok come on we all know what this is and it's not innocent. He's a flirt and he should be spending all that time and energy on you not other women. You're not wrong

    • Reply
  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    The idea that a married person shouldn't have opposite sex friends is absolutely abhorrent. Your husband is allowed to have platonic female friends.

    Does he do the same with male friends? Are you just upset that he is messaging other women because you feel you should be the only woman he's allowed to have a conversation with, or is he ONLY messaging other women and you are uncomfortable by the fact that he goes out of his way to make connections with women in a way he doesn't with other men? Those are two VERY different things.

    • Reply
  • Viviana
    Dedicated October 2022
    Viviana ·
    • Flag

    What are the conversations like?

    Are they business related? Do they seem flirtatious?

    Regardless - if something is bothering you/making you upset, then it's something that should be discussed and a solution should be found for it.

    • Reply
  • I_Do_Too
    Devoted September 2020
    I_Do_Too ·
    • Flag
    Not okay at all
    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Devoted October 2021
    Ellen ·
    • Flag
    Honestly if you have a problem with it, then he needs to sit down and address it with you. You’re his wife! You are no longer just a girlfriend. I had something similar in the beginning of my relationship and I sat down and talked calmly about it with him. I asked if I did these things would he be ok with it. If this is how you want to roll then that tells me this is casual, no problem. We will be on the same page. Flirt and chat away! He said absolutely no, not casual (6 months in). He also said he wouldn’t be ok with me exhibiting the same behavior. Ok then, stop acting single and I will do the same. We’re both grown, so we talk. If what he’s doing can’t be shared or talked about with me as his partner and obviously making me uncomfortable, then it’s a problem in our relationship. He stopped the behavior, apologized and we moved forward. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a problem with it. It’s affecting his wife (you) so there’s an issue.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Beginner August 2021
    Emily ·
    • Flag

    It depends. What is the nature of the conversations? Is he flirting? Do the women flirt with him? If they do, does he shut it down or go along with it? Does he also chat with men he adds on Facebook? These are all definitely factors.

    Personally, I have trouble understanding this point of view (what are bisexual people supposed to do, just never have friends?), but if it bothers you then he definitely should be listening and trying to understand how and why you feel this way. Is going back to counseling an option? Whether you are "right" or "wrong" your feelings are valid and deserve to be considered by your husband.

    • Reply
  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM ·
    • Flag

    Nip it in the butt asap!!!

    • Reply
  • Megan
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    I left because of this. I live with my mother and sister. Now I have filed for divorce and am studying various issues about divorce - https://lawrina.com/blog/how-long-does-an-uncontested-divorce-take-in-ny/ . First, you need to think it over and consult a psychologist.

    • Reply
  • J
    John ·
    • Flag

    Just as it would not be ok for a husband in pre-Facebook days to write letters to other women, so also in Facebook days, it is equally wrong for a husband to be using it to message other women. It's the same thing.

    • Reply

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