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My husband isn’t invited to my son’s wedding. What to do?

Marie, on January 2, 2023 at 5:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7
My son is 26 and getting married next year.
I left his father 7 years ago (the breakdown in relationship had started 2 years before I physically left due to emotional abuse and controlling/jealous behaviour), and i started a relationship within 4 months of leaving him with someone my ex-husband knew. That relationship turned into marriage (with a 5 yr old son between us), as my DH is an amazing man who was always respectful of my son and his bio-dad. My adult son’s father suffers depression and has apparently never got over me leaving him, or my new relationship.

My son has said my husband is not invited to the wedding, me and my son (his half brother) are, my DH isn’t invited due to family drama and history. I reluctantly accepted this decision in so far as my husband will not attend the wedding ceremony, reception or evening party. However, because i want to share some part of this special day with my DH, i told my son after the evening party my husband would meet me in my hotel room so i could show him photos, talk about the fantastic day and share my happiness with him, even for just a few hours. My son said NO. He does not want him there in case his dad see’s him as the hotel rooms are on the same floor. So i said ok, we’ll stay at a nearby hotel and no one will see him. My son also said NO! As its his day and he doesn’t want my DH to have any part of it however small. Against my own judgment i said ok, i’ll go home after the evening party as I really want to be with my DH for the remainder of the day, and Son said if i loved him i would not need to see my DH at all and can do without him for one night. Of course i said I can’t and don’t want to do that as I’ve already agreed to the hurtful request of him not even attending the wedding day events. And son has said im not invited to the wedding at all if i don’t agree to his ‘only request’. So it’s either I don’t see my DH at all until the next afternoon, or i’m not allowed at the wedding.

***let me add something which i waited until the end for as it’s a messy part and i didn’t want to bias anyone reading. My DH is my ex-husbands close cousin. Please try not to judge as no one knows the details of any one else’s marriage, he is a good man and you can’t help who you fall in love with. It’s very messy, but the advice im looking for is because i’ve tried compromise and my son (who i’m close to) is having none of it.
Help please!


Latest activity by Maggie, on January 3, 2023 at 3:07 PM
  • Alyssa
    Rockstar October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    From an outside perspective I am seeing a 20 year old young adult find out his parents are splitting, and before he has time to really process it you're dating his uncle. You need help beyond what a wedding forum can give you. However this is your son's choice, don't try to persuade him another way or he will push you out and you could lose him for good.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    This is something only a therapist can help you with. If you go against his wishes, you run the risk of him going permanent no contact. While you can wish that he accepts his uncle/stepdad, you can’t force the relationship.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I was on your side totally until that last paragraph, which changes everything in my mind.

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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    This sounds extremely messy and like a very emotional situation. While I can understand you wanting your husband in attendance, I can also understand why your son is uncomfortable with this. Not only did you move on extremely quickly but you moved onto his dad's cousin. If attending your son's wedding is important to you then I would respect his wishes otherwise be prepared for him not only being hurt but also potentially cutting you out of his life.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2023
    Cece ·
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    First of all, I would like to say that we don’t always fall in love with the most convenient people or situations. Congratulations on finding love again after a failed marriage! I have zero judgement, but I do agree with previous posters, this is a very messy situation. I completely understand you being hurt that your spouse, and the father of your child, is not invited to share in this special occasion with you. On the other hand, I also understand your son wanting to avoid drama on his wedding day. I think both you and your husband handled the situation with grace when you agreed to attend the wedding festivities alone. However, I feel your son is being completely unreasonable demanding you not see your spouse after the wedding events are over, and holding your invitation hostage if you don’t meet his demands. It’s irrational, controlling and manipulative.
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  • K
    Rockstar September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree with everyone else that this is messy, and it’s understandable why your son does not want your husband at his wedding, as hurtful as that may be to you. With that being said, the bride and groom generally have no control over where the wedding guests stay. Even when you have a destination wedding and set up a room block, they can’t really force guests to stay somewhere and guests have all kinds of reasons for declining to stay within the block. Maybe others might see this as going behind your son’s back too much, but he’s going to be so busy and having so much fun on his wedding night, I would stop pressing the issue but ultimately just stay where you feel comfortable that evening, especially if there’s a way you can gracefully slip out at the end of the night without any confrontation.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I don't disagree with your point about the son being unreasonable about wanting a say in the post-wedding period, but it does seem very odd that OP would tell her son all of this, "However, because i want to share some part of this special day with my DH, i told my son after the evening party my husband would meet me in my hotel room so i could show him photos, talk about the fantastic day and share my happiness with him, even for just a few hours."

    None of those details needed to be shared (because, again, wedding guests don't owe the couple any time or attention after the wedding is over). I think OP knew what she was doing when she insisted on shoehorning her husband into wedding festivities so awkwardly.

    OP, it appears the time for compromise is over. Your son has been very clear about his boundaries and now it's up to you to accept them or risk the consequences. I wish you good luck with your decision.

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