Lindsey
Dedicated August 2018

My First, His Second

Lindsey, on January 31, 2018 at 4:09 PM Posted in Planning 1 11
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I'm a first time bride and this is my grooms second wedding. Wedding planning has been somewhat hard for me because in the back of my mind I know he has done all of this before.

I try not to bring up his past but things come out in conversation.. such as "We can't have this song" and when I ask why he saids I had it before.

I'm trying very hard NOT to incorporate the songs they had, colors, venue etc into our wedding. He picked out his own wedding band a month ago and in a casual conversation last week he brought it up that he didn't wear the one from his first marriage very often.. without giving it much thought I asked what it looked like and he told me his his previous band was two toned and had bigger diamonds...

I'm feeling very hurt to know that the band he picked for our marriage has smaller diamonds (I didn't give him a budget, I just told him to pickout something he likes).

I want to go back and pickout a different ring, but he doesn't want to and says he likes this ring and feels like he can wear it more often and since it's silver with a row of diamonds it matches mine.

I'm wondering if anyone else has these struggles of being a first time bride and having it be your fiances second marriage.

11 Comments

Latest activity by KB, on February 1, 2018 at 11:18 AM
  • Dillydilly
    Dedicated April 2018
    Dillydilly ·
    • Flag

    First off, congratulations on getting married. Secondly, his first wedding/first marriage is living rent free inside your head. Get it out - stop comparing rings, he likes the one you gave him so accept it. I am flipped, my second, his first and all I can tell you is please have more confidence in things, my soon to be hubby could care less that he will be my second husband. He is here NOW and forever and that is all that matters to him.....and me.

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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    What PP said. Sounds like you have a little work to do coming around to the idea that he’s done this before. Remember though that even though we haven’t all necessarily had weddings before, we’ve all had relationships before, and to get past them and into the next, you have to stop comparing them. Remember that like any past relationships you’ve had, his marriage ended for a reason. It wasn’t right, you are.


    now that said, this RING business, try re-reading your post. Bigger isn’t always better! He didn’t like his previous big ring!!! Disliked the big diamonds SO MUCH he never wanted to wear it. Now he picked out one on his own that it sounds like he LOVES. Comfortable with the size, happy how it matches yours. But you’re stuck on the first being bjgger. And now you want to exchange his new one to get a bigger one to compete with the old one? That he didn’t like? It’s not about size or dollars, it’s about happiness. This one makes him happier. Guess what else? So will his marriage to you. I get not wanting too much overlap with the whole thing, but this wedding will be different no matter what, because it’s to you and it’s yours too!
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  • Tobemrs.knudson
    Devoted June 2018
    Tobemrs.knudson ·
    • Flag
    I'm in the same boat it's my first marriage and his second. I don't really worry about his previous marriage or any of the details. He left his ex for a reason and is with me now. My FH is very open and will tell me if I'm trying to incorporate something to similar in our wedding. Which hasn't been much because his first wedding was a renisance themed wedding in Vegas. When it comes to rings and things I'm letting him pick out what he wants. I'm not worried about it being similar because it's a symbol of our love and not his love for anyone else. I hope this helps and little.
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  • Daria
    VIP January 2019
    Daria ·
    • Flag

    I guarantee you are stressing waaay more about the ring than he is. He got to pick, so he picked something he thought he would like. maybe he didn't wear the other one because it was too big or clunky.

    You knew that he's been married before. Does that bother you? He is choosing to be with you now. That's what matters.

    I can see not wanting to have the exact same first dance song, but to eliminate the entire playlist from the first wedding or a color seems a bit silly.

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  • Mrs. Fall Bride
    Master October 2016
    Mrs. Fall Bride ·
    • Flag

    Listen. You have to remember that while he was married, at the end of the day, it didn't last, and it wasn't right for him. Not everyone gets it right the first time around. YOU are who he wants now, and YOU are who he's planning a future with. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he didn't wear his first ring much because subconsciously he knew his ex-wife wasn't right for him? Or that maybe he didn't really love that bigger, flashy ring, and actually prefers something more understated or practical? I don't at all think that there's a correlation between the size of his ring and how he feels about your relationship, and I don't think it's something you should worry about. And as far as the music goes, he clearly doesn't want there to be any association of his first wedding with your wedding, which I think is great! I'd be way more concerned if he wanted to rehash all his past wedding plans for this wedding. Sounds to me like he's just trying to leave the past in the past, and move forward with you, his future.

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  • Lacy
    Super December 2018
    Lacy ·
    • Flag
    From someone who's on the other side--it's my first and his second--I assure you he's not comparing the weddings. It's very likely that they will be two completely different affairs. I'm not thinking of my first wedding while planning this one. I do use the experience as having some knowledge of things that didn't work (like nobody takes favors) but that's it.

    This wedding is about the celebration of your love for each other. Even after whatever may have happened with his ex, he still believed in love and wanted to go down that road again. I don't think he means anything by mentioning things to you about it, but if it is upsetting to you, definitely stop asking him for details about things and ask him to limit details you need to know. Unless it was their first dance song or something else significant, songs can be replayed. Colors can be reused. Your wedding with him will need different than the first because it's you he is marrying.
    • Reply
  • Lacy
    Super December 2018
    Lacy ·
    • Flag
    Sorry, I meant my second, his first!
    • Reply
  • MsToMrs
    Dedicated September 2018
    MsToMrs ·
    • Flag
    I am in the same boat, my first and his second. There are some things FH has said he doesn't want for our wedding that he didn't want since it was a part of his last wedding (mostly certain songs). He didn't like that old ring and picked one out he seems to really like. Don't compare what your marriage will be to what his was, it will only cause issues between you two.
    • Reply
  • plangalCG
    VIP May 2018
    plangalCG ·
    • Flag
    I feel you. Since the start of our relationship, I have had serious mental gymnastics surrounding his ex. He didn’t want a wedding or to get married originally. But that’spartially because of his past experience...he hated the wedding because it didn’t reflect him because, surprise, they weren’t right for each other. I definitely have those thoughts....so you aren’t alone. I just wanted him to want a big wedding because he had one with her, even though it wasn’t what I wanted and he never wanted it to begin with.

    Get this one....I bet you can’t say this. when he first quasi-proposed, he didn’t have a ring. It wasn’t planned, he just said what he was feeling. He didn’t think I’d think next step wedding...so it was a bit of a nonstarter until a year or so later. It was emotional but confusing. He actually...tried to give me his wedding band to wear!!!!! What?! He was so clueless as to why that might not be what I want. Lol. Ugh. He really likes that dang ring...I think he still has it,
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  • plangalCG
    VIP May 2018
    plangalCG ·
    • Flag
    Oh AND, when we were looking in our area, though he didn’t want to be reminded, he did want cake from the same bakery! I mean, ok, that’s not that big of a deal, but it’s funny because he doesn’t even like to go to the town they lived in. But, for cake....lmao.
    • Reply
  • KB
    Dedicated July 2018
    KB ·
    • Flag

    I'm with PPs. you are way over thinking this thing. He likes his high, bigger isn't always better. The wedding he wants to be different so it is about the two of you. Be happy about the fact that he wants it to be special and he doesn't want to think about his ex on that day, he is focused on you.

    Honestly, as someone that is going to be married for a 2nd time, I am just so happy to have found the right person for me. I am not thinking of my previous wedding and person I was married to. I am focused on my new relationship and moving forward and I'm sure you FH is too.

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