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Savvy July 2022

My first his second wedding

Misselis, on April 1, 2021 at 6:47 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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Hi everyone,
I wanted to share something it’s constantly in my mind right now which makes me emotional..
So i’m my future husbands ‘second’ wife and he’s my first. At the beginning our relationship he told me about his previous marriage and I was totally okay with it. I thought my myself: whatever.. that’s the past and there are no children (he was married at a young age and they were both studying that time). My fiancé said that he made a mistake and told me the reason of his divorce. Mostly it was because of her behaviour and the family of his ex’ who kind of forced him etc.For some reason i started to feel the last few months a bit emotional about his past. I wished it never happened before so he don’t have to experience this all again. And I know that the past is gone, but everytime I think about marriage I feel so empty inside. I’m really surprised about myself because i knew his story from day one and it really didnt bother me at all, so why now? Does someone experienced the same? I really don’t want to quit our relationship because of a past event.
I hope someone could advice me ..
Elisa

15 Comments

Latest activity by ScandalousRandallous, on April 5, 2021 at 3:50 PM
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    I’m trying to understand the situation. So is it that you don’t like the fact that he was married to another woman? Or was there certain aspects about his previous marriage that you didn’t like?


    My advice would be to put the shoes on the other foot..... how do you think he feels when he thinks about you being with some of your prior boyfriends from the past?? These thoughts are never pleasant thoughts for ANYONE! He said that he’s even acknowledged that he made a mistake and he was younger when he got married.
    He now found you and he’s older and knows for sure that he’s making the right decision! I think it might bother you because you’re thinking about how it was an actual marriage, versus just someone he was dating. Try to view it in the same light as if its just someone he was dating in the past.
    Marriage in —-all legal terms —— is just of paper. For all you know he could’ve had a deeper more meaningful girlfriend before his first marriage. He was young and he made a mistake and signed a paper without thinking things through. Just keep telling yourself that because it sounds like that’s what happened
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Thanks for your response.
    Well actually in the beginning i saw their wedding trailer on the Facebook profile of the photographer. I looked it so many times and I even checked that girl her social media accounts, just to see what she posts and what kind of girl she was. (They were 20/24 when marrying)
    I think the fact that he called someone else his wife bothers me.. sounds strange maybe, but this thought came really random. Sometimes I feel like a “second” wife and then I remember that he has to do everything all over again so that makes me emotional again. It is actually really dumb I realize it and I always ask to myself : what if I was married before ? It’s really sad to “reject” someone because of a bad mistake they made. Maybe i’m too nervous when thinking about our wedding? I really don’t know why I think like this
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  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Yes! That is also it I’m sure as well. You are probably going to go through these wedding nerves and have weird emotional roller coasters. It will pass and before you know it you’ll be stressing over your thank you cards after the wedding instead! GOOD LUCK BRIDE!
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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Oh and everytime i think about our future marriage, I got flashbacks of their wedding trailer..Uggh! I wished i never saw it. All i hope is that i will be the old one as soon as possible, i don’t want to quit ..
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride Online ·
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    Same here! But it was early on in our relationship that it bothered and only in the early wedding planning stages because I thought “shoot, he’s done all this before with someone else.” 😢 But he had a more traditional wedding (not us) and when we brainstormed our wedding vision together he was excited too. I relaxed knowing he was marrying ME, and we were creating a wedding unique to US. 💕


    If it helps, you can share your feelings with him and ask for what you want (his support, for him to be excited or involved in planning, etc). And ask what’s important to him. For example, if he didn’t get his favorite cocktails or appetizers considered, he’ll be happy that this wedding feels different and includes him. I hope that helps! ♥️
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  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
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    Hi Misselis! I haven’t been in that situation, but I think your feelings are natural to have and very human. I’m sorry you saw the video and curiosity gets the best of all of us sometimes. I know many, many people who are remarried and all of them are in better marriages! I can’t imagine them with anyone else ❤️ Your relationship and his love for you must be very strong as I imagine it takes a really special person to give him the faith and wonderful excitement to marry after what I’m sure was a difficult time in his life. It’s ok to feel sorry for her and in your mind, wish her healing and for her to find the right person for her. Certainly talk to your fiancé about how you feel. You may feel this weight lifted after getting it off your chest. This is a new chapter for both of you and I wish you all the best!! ❤️
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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Thanks for your reply ladies!
    I think sometimes, just the fact that he called someone his wife, hurts me
    So then I say myself: I wish we knew eachother earlier so you didn’t have to experience this all..Or I ask myself: why did you marry her? Why not me? I was in a relationship when he got engaged and married, so i really realize that it’s the past. But that thought could make me so emotional and I want to get over it.I hope once we got hopefully married, I’m okay with it
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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    Do you talk to him about these feelings? I think an oprn and honest conversation could make you feel better. And I would definitely talk through it before the wedding because being married probably won't change how you feel, but talking about it with him probably will
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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Yes sure we talk a lot ans he explains me everything, everytime. I really trust him and I don’t want to loose him ofcourse. But just the fact that he called someone else his wife makes me for some reason so sad. I really hope this wont change my mind at the end or something..
    • Reply
  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
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    Hi Elisa,

    As someone in your fiance's situation (my second marriage and my husband's first) I would feel so miserable if I kept having someone second guess my feelings, especially after agreeing to marry me. It may be difficult for someone to understand who hasn't been through a divorce, but trust me when I say that he *wouldn't* have asked you if he wasn't sure about his feelings for you, especially having gone through a divorce. You're just more cautious and don't rush into things--at least I didn't. My husband was nervous at first, but he got over my divorce after getting to know me. What's concerning to me is the language you're using. It seems like you're really heavily considering not marrying your fiance. Can you honestly say that i's because he's been married before? Or does something else not feel right?

    If you really think there's a chance that you're changing your mind, you need to put this wedding on hold right away and figure it out. You both deserve to be happy, and if this is really going to ruin it for you, then you need to walk away. Divorce isn't fun for anyone even if it ends up being a good thing. It's important to remember that no good marriage ends in divorce; only bad marriages end in divorce. Maybe that'll help you feel better about it.

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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Hi Julie,
    Thanks for your reply. I really don’t know why this came up in my mind, but im asking myself questions like why am I not the first one? i wanted to be the first..I wish I wasn’t the “second”. Now we have to do this all again because he made once a wrong choice.
    It’s definitely not because of his behaviour or something, he’s soo caring and sweet to me and i really appreciate that. Their marriage last for 1/1.5 year and there are no kids (which im really happy about) But just the fact that he did this all before, I feel so sad about it. It’s a thought that I have for 2 months, but I really don’t want to quit.Is it the insecurity? The jealousy? Or am I too nervous about the wedding? I’m trying to understand where the problem comes from.But i really know that, quitting something becasue of a past event is very heartless..
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  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Maybe good to know but from day 1 I check his ex on social media to see what she posts and who of his family her pictures likes, since there are some relatives of him who still follow her..
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  • whirlwind
    Devoted March 2021
    whirlwind ·
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    Hi Misselis,

    I got recently married and this is my first marriage and my husband's second. I hardly ever think about his first wife. But what made this easier is that their marriage was in a different country and culture - so the wedding was very different than ours and the reasons why they got married more led by reason than emotions. Also, their marriage was very challenging. I know what I need to know about her and about their marriage. At a few points I was tempted to ask questions about thinks I don't need to know but was able to refrain. Because their marriage and the circumstances it is easy for me not to compare.

    However, before my husband and I met he had a close female friend and he really wanted to persue her. He was quite persistent and told her he was willing to wait for her to change her mind about them dating. She never did and he finally got over her and also realized that they weren't even a good match. He is so glad nothing ever happened between them and shortly after we met. However, at times I've been insanely and totally unreasonably jelous of this woman and they never even dated. I knew I was totally unreasonable. We talked about it many times. Where I got hung up is that he persued her and was willing to wait/fight for her (though I think in my mind I totally built that up to more than it was) but he never had to fight for me or win me over - with me it was easy. I also had seen pictures of her on facebook and thought she looked absolutely georgeous. Until I met her in person. She is a sweet girl but totally different from me and I see they would not a good fit at all.

    My whole point in telling this, is that I no why I got so hung up on this. I always had longed for someone to fight for me, to wait for me, to win me over ... . Somehow I couldn't value how easy everything developed with my husband and that we just both kind of fell in love at a similar pace. Stupid I know!!!

    Anyway, so I think you need to figure out why you are so hung up on this? Is it the fact that you are second? You mentioned that. Are there situations in your life where you felt second and never first? Is there some sort of childhood wound? Or is it that you feel you are being compared to the first wife? Or do you feel the need to have a better wedding?

    I wish you can figure this out and enjoy wedding planning with your future husband. This is the first time he is doing this with you. Don't think about how he planned his first wedding. This wedding will be different because it is celebrating you and him. Think through what you can do to make it unique to you.

    And listen carefully to your gut if there are other things that bother you that could be reasons why you should put the wedding on hold for a while. I also had some occasions of quite serious cold feet - but with reflection, journaling and prayer I always realized that it was my own issues causing me fear or insecurity and that I still really really really loved this man and wanted to marry and spend my life with him.

    If you can't figure this out alone you can also see a counselor or do pre marital counseling together. But you definitely should be full of confidence about your wedding and even more marriage.

    All the best for you!!!

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  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
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    You need to stop. You're doing this to yourself, and your poor fiance has to deal with your insecurities. Those are things you need to work on yourself. He can help you, but it's not his fault you weren't the first woman he met. It isn't your fault either. That's just how life works. You can't hold it against him, and you need to stop using social media like this. It's not fair to him AT. ALL. I'm glad he's so understanding, because, frankly, I find your level of insecurity telling of perhaps the fact that you're not ready to be in a relationship with someone who's been divorced, much less marry them.

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  • ScandalousRandallous
    Devoted July 2022
    ScandalousRandallous ·
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    This.

    I am getting married for the 2nd time, his first, and I would be really repelled by this level of insecurity/doubt after so many conversations and openness. We are in our very early 30s so we lived our 20s separately, we lived lives. Weʻre not children fresh out of our parentsʻ houses. Life happens and you appreciate who they are because of it all.

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