My fiancé's adult kid doesn't acknowledge me unless my fiancé makes him say hi to me. Our wedding is a year away, do we elope?

Elope* sorry my title got cut off

I feel like I can't give advice based on the information at hand. Things like, how long have you been together? What's the relationship like with their mom? Are they out of the house or living with your FI? Does your FI stand up for you with his family?

View Quoted Comment My fiance makes them say hi. His sister attacking me saying "why don't you ever come here" and my reply was my dad died last year. My fiance did not stand up for me for that even though it happened in front of him.


We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 4 months.
He didn't announce our engagement for a few months and that upset me.
My fiance doesn't talk to their mom. He wouldn't let me meet her. His family says she's mean and crazy and she'd be mean to me.
His kids live out of our house.
My fiance and I live together. Adult kids ages 22 and 27.
Thank you!

View Quoted Comment

"My fiance did not stand up for me for that even though it happened in front of him."

You have a fiancé problem, I'm afraid. Sounds like he's trying to avoid conflict. I would work on this issue before thinking about the wedding situation. It may be a longer road than you're thinking. I would find a good counsellor to talk about this.

View Quoted Comment Thank you at least he stands up for me with his kids but yes in general even with his kids and his own problems he avoids conflict then it leads to worse issues later. I tried to have us or him get a counselor and he won't and gets angry at therapy.

View Quoted Comment If he avoids conflict, doesn’t stand up for you and isn’t even interested in trying to strengthen the relationship between you two, why marrying him at this moment? I am sorry to say this but if I were you I will forget about the wedding and take some time off to think and visualize my future with him. Is this what you really want? If there’s so much drama in the families I think the best option is to elope but it looks like he also has problems with you so I’ll just postpone or pause the wedding for now. Did you give out any deposit yet? If not, it’s perfect timing for what I think you should do. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment I talked to him about it and he didn't hear his sister when it happened. He said he will talk to his kids and family.

What do you want, in terms of a wedding? Like do you still want to celebrate with your family and closest friends? If so, it’s sad if you have to give up having a wedding just because his family isn’t the warmest bunch. The problem, as others have identified, is your fiancé not sticking up for you, but it sounds like you’ve now discussed that with him. Unfortunately not getting along with the in-laws is common. I personally find adult step kids very tricky (I’m in the same boat). On the one hand they’re your partner’s children forever and you can’t just ignore them, but on the other hand it can be harder to make any connection with them if they’re not interested because they’re already raised at that point. It can be difficult to define your role in any meaningful way. In my relationship, I’ve decided that “cold but civil” is better than her actively working to sabotage our relationship or being mean to me or something. She’s one of my bridesmaids because I felt like it was important for her to feel included and valued during the wedding, and I kind of just let her take the lead on our relationship. If she ever wants to actually get to know me, I’m here. If not, she doesn’t live with us anyway, so I’m not around her that often anyway. (In my case, she doesn’t say hi because her dad asks, it’s because she needs to borrow my shoes or something lol).

View Quoted Comment I am sorry you have a difficult relationship with your step kid. They are resistant and difficult. Mine started out okay but 1 of them never was okay. One of them always is fine. I am always very nice to them but they don't say hi or anything sometimes now and my fiance made them. So I don't know. Ever since they found out we are getting married. They're all boys. I am an only child and have a small family and I like to spend time alone at home so I'm not really outgoing either. I will let them come to me but I don't want bad vibes for our wedding so my fiance said he will talk to them. We can see if they don't want to go then they don't have to go I'm not offended it's better than them unhappy there and me feeling their vibes lol. I also have social anxiety that got worse since the pandemic so I noticed I have fun at family events but my 2 heart rate watches both say 100-130 heart rate for 4 or 5 hours each event we go to and my dad's funeral last year. I saw a cardiologist and they ruled everything out and it's just anxiety. It doesn't happen at home. So I don't want a long wedding if we do a big wedding then just a few hour reception. I am considering that we get married on the beach and eat and don't invite anyone. My friends want to go. My mom is too upset about my dad to want a wedding for me but she will go she said.