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June 2019

My fiancées ex-wife has to be contacted for Catholic annulment

Jacinda, on June 22, 2019 at 10:06 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20

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Hey everyone,

my fiancée is divorced for 10 yrs now and has had no contact with his ex. She remarried the guy she supposedly cheated on my fiancée with , and they have two kids and live a pretty normal life several hours away from us. In order for my fiancée and I to get married, our church (we are both catholic) would need to investigate his previous marriage to make sure it wasn’t valid. I was reading through the forms and it looks like law (church or otherwise) requires the ex spouse to be contacted and notified of the proceedings. I believe they send her a questionnaire about thier marriage. Obviously she would have to complete it and could just throw it in the trash. This wouldn’t stop the annulment proceedings, it would just mean she waives her right to be involved.

She is baptist and married my fiancée in a civil ceremony. Not sure how much she knows about Catholicism since my fiancée wasn’t practicing at that time. Now I’m trying to picture her reaction when she gets a letter from our diocese stating that her ex husband from ten years ago is getting remarried. For my non Catholics out there, what would YOUR reaction be? I am thinking she might contact a lawyer and ask what to do, since she might misunderstand this to be a legal thing. Hopefully she just ignores the letter. For my catholics out there who have participated in an annulment, do you know what the letter sent to the ex actually says ?

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20 Comments

Latest activity by Margaret, on February 11, 2020 at 9:14 AM

Master October 2017
karen · on June 22, 2019 at 10:10 AM
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If there were no kids from a prior marriage, I would not care. My understanding is that the questionnaire will ask her to confirm or object to facts he has stated.
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on June 22, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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As a non-Catholic, I would probably just look it up online. You say she cheated on him and it has been ten years, so I can’t see her making a big deal about it, but who knows. Maybe, like you said, she’ll just ignore it. Does it make a difference if she does fill it out? Is there anything that would stop the process? Personally, I think it’s silly to declare a perfectly legal marriage “invalid,” and I don’t really see how they can decide that. My grandparents are Catholic and my mom and aunts all went to Catholic school all the way, but all I really know is what they’ve told me and my mom’s reasons for leaving the Catholic Church. Good luck!
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Dedicated June 2020
Isabella · on June 22, 2019 at 10:43 AM
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If it means that much to you to get married in a church, I would honestly reach out to her first and give her a courtesy heads up that this is happening, especially if there's a chance that her involvement in it could slow things down. If she's remarried with children, I would hope you wouldn't get pushback from her after 10 years....I'm not catholic and if I received something like that in the mail from someone, I think I would be confused as to why it was coming out of left field with no warning from the person who initiated it.
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VIP July 2019
Summerbride77 · on June 22, 2019 at 10:45 AM
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I would be taken aback to just receive a letter with not context. Not mad, just surprised and unsure what I was suppose to do. If possible it might be worth the effort to give her a heads up. Just to let her know what it is and that she can fill it out or ignore it.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 22, 2019 at 10:51 AM
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I would not care. But from experience, exes have weird ways of behaving when they find out news that you're happy and with someone else. Even when they don't want you any more. Let's hope for the best. I'd recommend that your FH or someone give her a heads up, that would give you a quick way of finding out how she may react.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on June 22, 2019 at 11:36 AM
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I'm not catholic, but I am in a heavily catholic area. If she contacts a lawyer, they're just going to tell her it's a church thing not a law thing.
I think you're overthinking.
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June 2019
Jacinda · on June 22, 2019 at 11:41 AM
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Forgot to add: if she doesn’t respond, the proceedings for annulment will move ahead without her. It won’t slow the process down.
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Dedicated October 2018
Deb · on June 22, 2019 at 2:06 PM
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I know that my ex was contacted but surprisingly we had no problems getting the annulment.. He fought the divorce for 7 years so I was nervous. Our reason was because he had a vasectomy when I was away on a business trip and never told me. I wanted children and he said he did too.
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VIP December 2019
Michelle · on June 22, 2019 at 3:07 PM
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If he hasn't had any contact with her in 10 years how does he know her address to send the letter to her? And if she can just ignore it what difference does it make if they send it or not? Also from what I've read on WW if you don't get married in the catholic church the church doesn't consider it valid anyway. So why does he have to go through all of this?
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Super April 2020
Anna · on June 22, 2019 at 3:51 PM
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Was he married thought the catholic church? And please ignore the previous post. NO LAWYERS HAS TO BE INVOLVED. This is not a legal matter. By church law, if you were married in the catholic church and u get divorced through the state, you are still married through the church. The questions were sent to her and it's a lot of paper work. You should not get involved in it. If he cares about you, he needs to deal with it. Believe me the questions are not easy. A lot of wounds are gonna be reopened. So be there for him. He needs to fill his paperwork out too. My fh went through this too. It was a very tough time for both of us. Especially knowing we were not supposed to be dating cause in Gods eyes, hes still married. After he got approved, our relationship became stronger. A lot of confessions lol. But dont worry, since shes remarried, itll get approved. The church has made it real easy to do it now. Not like years before. If you have any questions, reach out to me. Hope this eased your anxieties.
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Dedicated March 2020
Pamela · on June 22, 2019 at 3:54 PM
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Im former Catholic and going through the annulment process was a definite no. Even if I was still practicing. There is no reason for the church to need that info. No.
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Super August 2021
Wendy · on June 22, 2019 at 5:04 PM
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As a non Catholic person if I was to receive that in the mail I would just throw it away... I honestly don’t understand the annulment thing... if they were married 10yrs ago why does it have to be annulled?? And if she doesn’t fill it out how does that affect you??
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 22, 2019 at 6:57 PM
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I amagine her first thought would be who cares. But if she did not throw it out at first sight, and actually read it, ... Well, the people I know who received them got quite angry if they read them. Essentially, no one likes being told that the ex spouse is going for a ruling that their marriage was invalid to begin with, which is the basis for nullification in the Roman Catholic Church. Then they say a lot of really rude things about the Church. Many people who were relieved to get out of a problem marriage, still recall good times early on. And do not like the term invalid applied.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on June 22, 2019 at 8:28 PM
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I'm an atheist and if a church sent me a letter on behalf of my ex spouse there would be a LOT questions. She probably doesn't want to think about him and sometimes bringing that up makes trouble for the other person. Do you want to risk disrupting her life or risk her regaining contact with him? I'd be uncomfortable with contact after ten years.
My father is Catholic and got his first marriage annulled without contacting the first wife. He says it was harder for him because he had a child but he had the divorce papers stating the ex-wife didn't want the child and didn't want to be contacted under any circumstances. So it might also depend on the preist or church.
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 22, 2019 at 10:00 PM
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If you do not marry in the Catholic Church, the marriage is still valid in the Church's eyes, but it simply is not a Sacramental marriage. Which is a critically important thing for someone who believes in church doctrine.
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Super October 2019
NextChapterReady · on June 24, 2019 at 11:38 AM
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Okay so you're saying your FH and his ex did not have a Catholic wedding? If this is correct it will be standard to send her the form, but even in the event of her contacting legal advice, you're likely going to receive your annulment. Basically there must be one of the Cannonical laws that must be broken for an annulment to be granted. If the wedding was not Catholic, then this is a reason for that marriage to be annulled in the church. If it WAS catholic, then she could hold up proceedings. If she wanted to make a case for why they should not have an annulment that could slow down the process or potentially (depending on her answers) cause the annulment to not be granted. In my own experience, my FH had a Catholic wedding and his ex (we were unsure of how she would respond initially) was super supportive of the move because she had just started dating another catholic guy and also wanted the annulment. In your case I would think its likely your FH's ex will not care seeing as how she's already married again!
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Kimberley · on September 23, 2019 at 10:44 AM
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An annulment does not mean the legal marriage never happened. It means that it was not a Sacramental marriage under The Church law.
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Kimberley · on September 23, 2019 at 10:47 AM
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A marriage that is a State married would still need a “form annulment” under Cannon Law.
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Kimberley · on September 23, 2019 at 10:51 AM
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There ARE reasons to get Annulments. You state that you are a former Catholic but it isn’t magic. You can’t have been married in The Catholic Church, snap your fingers, then like that just “not be Catholic”. If you have had any Sacraments at all the Grace given through those Sacraments will follow you throughout your life.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on February 11, 2020 at 9:14 AM
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Hi Jacinda,
Did you ever get this answered? My fiancee is in a similar situation, however he does have a son involved. The church does not send your completed questionnaire to the the defendant. It will only be a letter stating that an investigation into the annulment of marriage has begun. She is allowed to contest the proceedings but would have to provide significant cause. If she's remarried, the chances are their won't be objections by the tribune.
We had pre-annulment counseling, that is the only reason I know that the petitioners answers are not shared with the defendant. I was told the entire process could take up to a year even with the easiest of annulments.
If they were married in a civil ceremony, was their marriage ever blessed by the catholic church? If it wasn't is an annulment still needed? In our case, she was not a catholic, he was and practicing, and they married in a catholic church - hence the need for an annulment.
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