My fiance thinks that his teasing is harmless and fun

H and I had this problem when we first started dating. He uses humor A LOT and he would tease/mock me, and he never understood why it upset me. I had to actually sit down and explain that it felt like he didn’t take me seriously and after some of the things that happened in my previous marriage, which he knew about, his behavior hit me pretty hard on an emotional level. He stopped after that, and I honestly think it was just him not realizing how deep it was hurting me.

I think if you’ve sat down and explained exactly why it hurts your feelings, he should be respectful of that. Do it outside of a moment where it has just happened though so you can explain why you’re serious without being “in the moment”. If he still doesn’t believe you, maybe it would be good to consider pre-marital counseling.

This a huge part of communication. His intention may not be to hurt you but it still does. If you've tried discussing this with him I'd say it's time for some pre marital counseling. Seriously if he can't take your concerns and communication to heart he may need an impartial trained third party to help him understand.

View Quoted Comment You're right. It would probably work a lot better if I talked to him outside of right after he actually does it. I haven't tried that yet. Thank you.

Also, when an occasion arises like last night where you are lying or sitting together and he makes a face, get up and leave and tell him why you left the room. If you are standing in the kitchen and he makes the face, leave the room and tell him why. He needs to know that there are consequences to his actions.

All of our "hard communication talks" happen in the kitchen either while we're cooking or doing dishes or something. Partially because it's "out of the moment" and partially because the kitchen is "non-threatening" (my term). Bring it up with him during some mundane down time, like Sarah said, communicating outside of the moment something hurtful happens seems to work better than being reactionary right after the fact. Example, in college I used to call FH "babe" all the time... until he brought it up totally randomly and we had a chance to reflect on it, as opposed to him reacting very poorly the next time it happened.... (now all pet names grate on my nerves lol).

My FH uses humor for everything too, so I understand.

He hurt me really badly once because I was playing a game I like and invest a lot of time on modding, and he told me to "get a life."

When I started crying he realized how much it had hurt me and stopped, but there are other ways his humor comes out that are inappropriate and just not funny or they're incredibly insensitive or at the wrong time.

I agree- sit him down and tell him it's really been bothering you. He may see it as a joke and is just teasing you, but you are hurt by it and it's making you not want to smile around him anymore, etc. Just because he's just kidding doesn't mean it's not hurtful.

Hopefully he understands, if not, pre-marital counseling I think is a fantastic idea.

View Quoted Comment

So true! I read an article once about how you should never have serious relationship discussions in your bedroom. The kitchen while you are doing a task together is a perfect place to have a conversation. My FH's parents just built a new house without a dishwasher and when I asked why he said they'd never had one because washing and drying dishes has always been their time to talk about things.

Real question: why is the bedroom threatening but not the kitchen? We actually do more making-up in the bedroom and fighting in the kitchen so I'm curious where y'all get that from

View Quoted Comment This was my first thought when the kitchen was mentioned haha

I had to actually write FH a email because we had so many talks and I could not get through to him. So I put it in writing. Ever since things have changed so much and we are so much better. Sometimes people need to read that stuff. Just a suggestion

Much humor is actually hostility pretending to be acceptable. Ten or fifteen times a day? Serious counseling seems like your best hope here. You can't marry someone who repeatedly mocks your face, despite your pleas for him to stop,.

I think he needs to listen to you and you need to do tour darndest to make it clear. Maybe it’s a habit and it takes time to break but every single time he does it, point it out. Every. Time. Don’t laugh, don’t make it alright, if it’s not a joke to you don’t let it be a joke.
FH and I had an issue where I ask him if I’m overbearing or too much and he will always say no not at all, you keep everything together for us all the time. But if he’s in front of our friends he starts making me out to look like a psycho! Like if you have a problem with me then tell me, not the world. So finally I had enough and I told him, from now on I am walking out on you when you do it and I’m going home and you can embarrass yourself because you’re going to look like the (a$&dollar you are being when you do it. At this point I have “a look” I give him when he’s treading that line and he shuts his mouth right away.

Every time he makes the face just slap it off him and he'll learn 😂 Just kidding, DON'T do this lol!

Don't wait for him to do it, just sit him down and firmly tell him he's hurting your feelings and you don't think it's funny and to please stop doing it. My FH has a quirky sense of humor too and I've told him before that he needs to know his audience and should not continue to joke with me about something that I don't like or find funny because when it continues to happen over and over all it does is make me upset

Some people use humor as a defense mechanism. I know I do. (not trying to analyze him) but maybe when you look at him he doesn't know how to respond lovingly back, so he makes a face?? I get uncomfortable with too much eye contact or staring so I can totally relate to the making funny faces thing. 15 times a day seems a bit much so I'd consider talking to him again (making it absolutely clear you aren't joking) or try the pre marital counseling.

I totally get it. I think sometimes people also think that if their intentions are harmless, they are not responsible for your feelings. But intentions don’t matter if it hurts someone.

I do this often to my husband. Not so much the face making, but just teasing him. If he ever had an issue with it, i would stop immediately. Like you said, intentions don’t matter if it hurts someone, so that being said, you need to readdress the issue with your FH. Exaplain to him again how much it hurts your feelings.

View Quoted Comment LOL I know I just have always felt it wasn’t threatening. It’s where we always wind down after a long day either baking, or drinking some wine or cooking. I guess we could have discussions in the bedroom with less sharp objects haha.

View Quoted Comment To me the bedroom isn’t threatening we just don’t argue or fight there. Usually we fight in the car lol. And arguing in the car is the WORST because there’s not escaping haha.

I once lived with a guy who would do stupid annoying things (surprise butt/boob/vag grabs, pulling me off my feet), even after I told him to knock it off, multiple times. The relationship had other issues and was doomed from the start, but by the end I couldn't stand to be in the same room, mostly because I thought I would lose it if he did that ONE. MORE. TIME. He was completely oblivious. SHOCKED when I broke it off.

View Quoted Comment I totally get what you mean lol. But i also kinda like fighting in the car because it forces us to work it out if we don't want to sit in awkward silence 😳