My fiancé broke up with me because he said he wasn't ready.

My fiancé broke up with me a week ago. He said he wasn't ready to be a husband and was ready to be in a relationship. He said I deserve someone who is fully transparent who didn't lie or hide things from me and he wasn't willing to do that.


We had been together for a 11 months before he proposed, and honestly I know it was really fast. For background, we had been dating for 7 months before he got shipped out to be in the Air Force. We weren't perfect and there were times he even questioned why I put up with him and was telling me that I deserved better. But I was committed and knew that love isn't alway enough, it takes work and acceptance and growth. Grass was always greener when you watered it. I definitely put in a lot more work into us by reading all the books and preparing us for marriage, all while I was going through therapy to better myself and being a better partner for him. We had always talked about how when he's fully in that we both wanted me to join him wherever he goes but that would require us to get married. We were both genuinely ready for it and he even wanted to ask me at his BMT graduation, but he waited until Thanksgiving weekend because I was going out there to see him and have our own little getaway, that drive was intense 20 hours total to and back but he was worth it. Everything had been so good! He had his priorities straight and made time to call and text me every chance he could.
A couple of weeks later his world came crashing down, he failed his initial career courses and he was being told that the teachers were voting on kicking him out. He went through a really bad mental crisis and I encouraged him to seek counseling. And his priorities changed and he started distancing himself from me. We got into more stressful conversations, never really fought with each other but hurtful things were said. I was feeling so disconnected from him. Then he came home for the holidays and I could see that when he was out of his routine he was more antisocial and irritable. This made me more irritable because we never got the time to reconnect fully with each other again and the days we did have together it felt like he didn't really want to connect with me and I was so passive aggressive about it and mean. New Year's Eve was our anniversary and I don't truly understand what was going through his mind, but I blame myself for it and he was just ready to get back to base- to his reality- and so when I asked him about what we're doing that night he said I'm not feeling it, I'm going to sit this one out. I was so confused and hurt by his response. Well I mean I didn't think we were really going out, I thought we were hustling going to stay home and watch a movie. He then said that he wanted to go to bed no later than 9... I didn't get off work until 5 that day. I asked for further clarification and rephrased it by saying are you tell me that you don't want me to come over? He said yes I guess so. I rephrased again saying so you are asking me to spend our anniversary alone? With less details I was a mess. Honestly I felt heartbroken that he felt that way because he made it seem that for him he could turn relationship on and off like a switch when he didn't feel like dealing with it. I felt like he was treating me like I was just another option. He asked if we could talk about more the next day and I agreed but I was feeling such sadness and resentment towards him. The next day I went over and tried to talk to him about it but he was brushing it off like it didn't really have much weight to even have a conversation about it. He took me out to dinner and apologized for what happened the night before and said he really didn't know what he was actually feeling and why. I was too mentally exhausted and accepted it. We were okay the next couple of days before he went back even had a truly sad heartfelt goodbye, but the week after he returned I felt him distance himself more from me, this time it felt like he was actually avoiding me. I grew more anxious and some could say needy with how much I called but never got an answer and waited for the next time he texted me. Even with the missed called he never acknowledged them and texted me like nothing ever came through. It got to a point where I had to ask him to find time to call me. He wasn't even doing anything that first week and admitted to me that he had been stuck in his room sleeping or playing video games. It got so bad to the point I started think that maybe there was someone else. I confronted him about it and he said that there was absolutely no one and that he was so in love with me. Then I started having dreams that he was cheating. With long distance I obviously could ask him if I could see his phone but I saw that he was active on his social media, the one he said he deleted a while ago. I have no problems with him being on social media, but to see he was on and then lied to me about it hurt. So I asked him about it and he stood his ground saying that he deleted it and that he didn't know why it showed he was active and that he was talking to people. He even went as far as calling me paranoid for thinking that he was lying and that thinking that he was cheating. I stood my ground and the next day he broke up with me stating what he said from the beginning of this draft. I believe him when he said that he never cheated on me but cheating is not always physical and I'm hurt to think that he was emotionally cheating on me.
I'm still hurting knowing that a whole year and an engagement something in him changed and I can't help but blame myself for it even though he confirms that I was never a bad partner. After all this and even acknowledging that he never really put in real fight or effort into us. I still love him so much and wish he would come back and we can start over but slower. But I don't think he's coming back.