Allisonkatbb
Savvy September 2020

My Fh’s Mom Isn’t Coming to the Wedding.. cancel?

Allisonkatbb, on August 16, 2020 at 2:52 PM Posted in Planning 0 17
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So my fiancé’s mom lives in Germany. She is not coming to the wedding because it would require her to quarantine for a week before and after traveling to America. (It might be 2, I can’t remember exactly.) She also has asthma.
We had asked her at least four months ago if she wanted us to postpone and she said no. Then when I posted something about how many days left until the wedding she told my fiancé she was hurt that we wouldn’t postpone. So again, my FH and I discussed postponing. We probably in total talking about it 3-4 times. Every time I told him it was up to him and I just wanted him to be happy on our wedding day. 19 days before the wedding my FH said he doesn’t want to have the wedding without his mom. As much as I would love to say I was graceful about it. I can’t. I broke down sobbing. This entire wedding planning experience has been utter hell. My mom, my brother and my sister aren’t coming (by choice, nothing COVID related). I have struggled left and right and planned the whole thing by myself. I was so excited for it to all finally happen and to be done planning. & I was so upset that on such short notice he was changing his mind. The next morning my FH said he changed his mind again and doesn’t need his mom there. I am convinced this is only because I cried all night long (couldn’t help it, sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️) and he feels bad. Now I don’t know what to do. Do we have the wedding or not? I don’t want him to have regrets. I want him to be happy on the wedding day. & Obviously I never wanted to cancel. So what do I do!?

17 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on August 17, 2020 at 9:05 AM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    You could have multiple ceremonies!
    My friends did a courthouse wedding and then later did a spiritual elopement for themselves, etc.
    you could do something for yourselves and then later on something to celebrate with everyone
    • Reply
  • Cheryl
    Dedicated November 2021
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag

    19 days is a very short time to postpone. Is there a way that his mom can participate electronically? Can you skype or facetime her during the ceremony? At least this way, she is seeing the wedding in real time and he gets a better feeling of her participating? Short of pushing your wedding back until sometime next year, you can't be sure her having to quarantine for weeks won't be an issue for several months to come. It might be time for him to consider the alternatives.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    I know this isn't going to make you feel better, but my guess is he changed his mind because you were so upset. Unfortunately if she isn't able to attend, I would worry that would put a huge strain on his relationship with his mom and your relationship with her as well. It sounds like you already have a strained relationship with your family that I would hate for you to cause animosity between you and your fiance and his mom. I probably would've postponed when you originally found out that she couldn't attend.

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  • Allisonkatbb
    Savvy September 2020
    Allisonkatbb ·
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    We were already planning to live stream the wedding and hired a videographer. We also planned to have a celebration in Germany later on as well since many of his older relatives there are unable to travel.
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  • Allisonkatbb
    Savvy September 2020
    Allisonkatbb ·
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    We were originally planning on have two celebrations. One here and one in Germany. But I guess that’s not a solution. 🤷🏼‍♀️
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  • Allisonkatbb
    Savvy September 2020
    Allisonkatbb ·
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    Yeah, I am pretty sure that is way he changed his mind as well. But he swears up and down it isn’t. I’m not really worried about straining any relationships. His mom has never been very involved and did not want us getting married in the first place. So if I didn’t want that relationship to be awkward I wouldn’t marry him at all. My family problems are on a totally different scale involving physical abuse, etc. Hardly comparable.


    At the end of the day I don’t care about how his mom feels. I only care about how he feels. The trouble is that I don’t know how his truly feels. & I don’t know if I should take his most recent opinion or the earlier one, prior to my crying.
    • Reply
  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
    • Flag
    I'd postpone. I wouldn't want my FH to regret the decision and end up, even inadvertently, grow to resent me for it
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    19 days is too short to cancel and that isn’t respectful of your other guests’ time (especially since it’s not as if the venue is closed, making cancelling the only option). Unfortunately his mom should understand that as well. Also, if your FH was adamant about his mom attending, he wouldn’t have changed his mind that quickly, tears or not. He probably thought about it too and realized it’s a ridiculous idea to cancel again and so late. Unfortunately she’ll miss the wedding. But it also doesn’t sound like she was really planning to attend anyway since she’s just now mentioning it.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Well I see both sides. I would say before postponing many venues might not be willing to do that especially so close to the date unless your area were to go into lock down and they had to. I hate to say it but like pp's have said he probably changed his mind knowing how upset you were. Were your tears justified of course. You are allowed to feel how you want to as this is a crappy time for brides wanting to marry right now. I would check with the venue if you can postpone first but honestly I would talk to him first and then talk to your FMIL. How does she feel about a wedding ceremony here and then a larger celebration in Germany later? I know it is not the same as being there for the first ceremony but see if she is truly on board with that. If not, you both should come up with a happy medium because it sounds like you do not want to postpone and he wants his mom there.

    If I were to give a straight opinion I would postpone. You would be upset but at the end of the day you would have your wedding whereas he would not have his mom there so his resentment could be greater. I am sorry you are going through this but you two should make the best decision together.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    That is a tough decision, but I feel like his change of heart is because of the way you reacted. I would be concerned that he could end up resenting you for going through with the wedding without his mom there.

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  • Kathryn
    VIP August 2020
    Kathryn ·
    • Flag
    So as someone who has been in that scenario, let me tell you how we handled this. My husband's family are all at least one plane ride away - we're in Texas and planned a Texas wedding. When things locked down in April, we postponed and got legally married. Then as August drew closer, we realized we were going to probably have to postpone again, but a lot of our vendors would not cooperate. Our solution was eventually to livestream to everyone who couldn't and shouldn't make the trip, then focus on just having our minimony. So we WILL have another wedding, this time with as many family as we can.



    BUT. My family - mom, stepdad, sis - could make the trip. My dad and stepmother and my husband's family all could not be here. We had a venue and a dj who would not let us move the date again, so we made it work with some people. My husband was hurt over not having his family there, namely his mother. And a few days before he told me he might break down. I was sympathetic, I calmed him down. Explained that we WILL have a bigger party when we can. And we reiterated to each other that this day is about us.
    Our minimony was yesterday, and yes he missed his folks. We set up the livestream so we could talk to everyone after the ceremong, and he also FaceTimed with his parents before we began. But after all that, he told me he was glad we did things the way we did. Our day was magical and about us, and yes it hurt to not have his parents there. But truly the day became ours. Things were so chaotic the morning of that he didn't even have time to truly miss them.
    I think you need to sit down as a couple and discuss your options. More than likely, your venue will not let you postpone. You need to see if he would be OK with his mom watching through livestream - we had a wonderful lady recommended to us by our dj, who set up the facebook group and had hidef footage. Or you need to lose all your money. Its an emotional decision, but can you guys take that hit? Most vendors are being understandable, but some of them are not. Just see what your options are then decide together.
    Good luck girl. It's a terrible time to be making decisions, but you need to consider both sides and the outcomes. And maybe pop some wine. You will get through this!
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I would postpone. Regardless of you not caring about your relationship with her, if she already doesn't like you, this will make things 10,000 times worse and your FH will be stuck in the middle. You may not see it now, but down the line, this will cause problems for you two. Even if he chose you (as he should), he will always know how the wedding made his mom feel and the last thing you want is for your wedding to be a source of regret, sadness, and resentment by him. Postpone.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    This is a very tricky situation.

    To a degree, I think your FMIL (and FH) contributed to this mess because she was not transparent about her feelings and you could have looked to postponing four months ago, when she originally told you to go ahead. Now she has come forward saying she is hurt you haven’t postponed. That, and I think FH should have also spoken about it sooner. He wants his mother at the wedding, understandably, but did not seemingly push to postpone earlier on.

    I do not know your relationship with your family, but for whatever reason, as they are not attending your wedding. I think it would be heart-breaking not to include at least one side’s family at the wedding, particularly as weddings are such a special and joyous occasion.

    I would say to postpone the wedding, with the interests of preserving FH’s relationship with his mother, but make it clear to FH that he needs to assist BIG TIME in pulling the strings necessary to postpone. You should not be the only person to clean up this mess they have created, but, unfortunately being your wedding, you will bear the burden of it to a degree.

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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the above post. I think this does need a true heart to heart between you and your FH because while everyone is telling you to postpone to avoid FH from resenting you, I can see forcing you to postpone at this point could cause resentment on your side. FH needs to understand why this upsets you so much at this time. If the decision is to postpone you will most likely lose all of your money paid. Can you two afford to plan another wedding at a later time?
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    My gut reaction: don't let his mother control your relationship, or your decisions. She wasn't open with you in April, and now she's guilt tripping you with 3 weeks to go. That... is manipulative as heck.

    Add on that your family isn't coming by choice (solidarity, mine didn't appreciate the invitation wording, and didn't even RSVP... I was super impressed by their maturity /end sarcasm).

    This wedding needs to be about the two of you, not about what anyone in your family wants.

    It's not your fault there's a pandemic. It's not your fault your family isn't coming.

    Many people with global families have more than one ceremony - and you've indicated you had originally planned that. I'd say go back to that plan for post-pandemic, and your FMIL can either accept that, or be a grump.

    Set boundaries now, don't let other people dictate your choices!

    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    What about doing a "minimony" or elopement and pushing the wedding back until its safe for his mom to travel?

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  • Jessica
    Devoted February 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    Have the wedding and have a friend live stream it for people who are unable to attend.
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