L
Just Said Yes July 2021

My dad just told me to "think before marrying him" about my Fiancé.

Lacey, on December 17, 2020 at 2:34 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
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I've been engaged for two months. My fiancé and I have been dating since last April. I have a 10 month old daughter from my ex-fiancé who wants nothing to do with her, and she calls my current fiancé daddy.

My dad came to me today and said that he wants me to think before marrying my fiancé, because:

1) He's "not a go-getter like some of my previous relationships". It's true, my fiancé has a learning disability and isn't an "entrepreneur" like previous men I've dated. He says it himself. Before him I dated a man who was on the Titan Games, a man who made $30 million from selling his business, a few soldiers, a doctor, a successful gym owner, and a firefighter who owned a 40 acre farm and ran his own vacation rental business on the side to make $200,000 per year. All of these men wanted a future with me, but their "love" for me burnt out quickly and they all treated me like I was nothing by the end of the relationship. My fiancé on the other hand has never not given me what I want and has never made me feel "alone". After fights (which are never like the fights I've had in other relationships), he never gives me the silent treatment, always calls me and reaches a compromise. It's like I never knew a man could behave this way. But my dad's point is he works in a factory, and may go into a trade job.

2) He's a "country boy" according to my dad, and less educated than me. I went to college, he didn't. But my fiancé has my values and I tried to explain to my dad that I was looking for a man from the country because I want farm animals, acreage, a big family and to be out of the city. My dad said this might rub off on my daughter, but I know my fiancé wants our kids in church, homeschooled, outdoors, playing sports, etc. He has my values. For a high school degree he also knows a lot more history than most of my peers in the phd history program I was in.

3) My dad thinks he "will be provider for me". Right now my fiancé actually makes more money than I do. My fiancé lives with his mom, but it's more like she moved out by him and she couldn't afford a good place alone, so they split rent and utilities. The only potential problem I see is if I get laid off and can no longer work from home, I would be really upset that I couldn't homeschool the kids. My fiancé's plan is to rent, then put money down for a little house, then rent it out to pay off the next bigger house.

My dad didn't give me a chance to respond, and said that if I choose to marry him he'll be happy either way and my fiancé will be like a son to him. But honestly, I'm bothered because my dad has pushed me into relationships before with more financially successful men who did nothing but play games with me. I've never had anyone treat me like my fiancé does. On top of that, my fiancé really cares about my family and tries to help and do good to each one of my siblings (which none of my exes ever did). My parents haven't announced our engagement to our family friends online like I've asked (I don't have social media and people are curious). My mom's close sister came up to me on Thanks Giving and said, "No matter what you do, I hope you make the choice that makes you happy" regarding my fiancé.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get my family to be more accepting? or better yet, set boundaries with them? It angers me because my fiancé asked for my father's blessing before he asked, and my dad said yes. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes. I feel like that's final. I find it insulting when they think I'm going to go back on my commitment or that I'm still thinking about it.

15 Comments

Latest activity by Katelyn, on December 18, 2020 at 10:38 AM
  • SHY
    Master January 2022
    SHY ·
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    If I read your post correctly, it sounds to me like your dad is the one that's doubting the relationship, not you, so I don't think it's really them thinking you'll go back on your commitment, but more-so concern that he's the right partner for you. The points you laid out makes it seem like he's wanting you to be someone that's educationally on par with you and be successful like the men you've dated before, as well as someone that can financially support you on his own without any help. Your family is probably doubting this relationship as well, seeing as they aren't posting about it on social media. But in regards to that, I wouldn't take it to heart just because it is their social media profile and they may not be comfortable posting your news on it!

    If you love your FH, and he feels the same for you, then don't put too much stock in what your family is saying. Family members and parents want what they think is best for you, regardless of whether it is the right or wrong way. It sounds like you both have a strong relationship, and that he cares for you tremendously, which is really what should matter the most! You both have a plan for the future, and intend on living that plan out, so stay strong and firm with your decision.

    If your family keeps making you both uncomfortable with their comments, then it's time to have a talk with them. They need to be made aware that their comments and actions are not okay, and are hurting you both.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Lacey ·
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    Thank you! The way you put it really helped me see it from another perspective, which I needed. Yes, my father has always pushed me to date big shots and I always suffered.

    My mother posts all of her kid's news from engagements, to wisdom teeth, to graduations and I definitely get this teeth gritting energy from her when I talk about wedding planning with her.

    The relationship is the strongest relationship I've ever been in when it comes to being there for one another. He's also stepped forward and taken the role of being my daughter's father. She calls him "Dada" and adores him.

    It feels like my family is being so "fake" towards him when my dad gave me this unsolicited advice and I don't feel he deserves that. Like I said, he's taken more of an interest in them than anybody else I've ever dated. I think that because I can be very confident and determined, that my dad thinks I need to marry some successful business man.

    But my relationships with these business men always started out hot because I can keep up with their work, but then ended in devastation because they got selfish.

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  • SHY
    Master January 2022
    SHY ·
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    Sometimes it helps to get another perspective! My mother wanted me to be with a successful doctor or an engineer and that just...isn't my vibe haha. Again, our parents think they know what's best for us 100% of the time, when that isn't the case.

    I'd just sit with your family and discuss how their actions and attitudes are making you both feel. Your FH sounds like a wonderful person, and he deserves to have his future in-laws treat him with respect, and love.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    My suggestion is to calmly sit down and talk with your father. I would be honest with him about how his comments are making you feel. I would set boundaries so that his comments won't end up coming between you and your fiancé.

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    To be honest, I don’t know if I would even say your father is being unsupportive or doubting your fiancé. It sounds to me like he’s just being a dad. Dads worry about their little girls, and want to know that they will be taken care of when dad is no longer there to do it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your father, and he even said that he would support your decision to marry your fiancé and would welcome him into the family with open arms. It truly seems like he is just making sure you have thought your decision through and are doing what truly makes you happy, and will lead to the type of life you desire in the future. If I were in your situation, I would give my daddy a huge hug and thank him for loving you and watching out for your best interest. I would make sure he knew how much I appreciated it, and I would assure him that you have already thought it through and you are 100% sure this is the man you want to spend your life with. It sounds like he would really appreciate it, and will completely support you in your decision. ❤️
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Thats what parents are supposed to do... have their kids' back. Sounds like he's looking out for you. If your dad thought this man was no good then he wouldn't have given him his blessing. Sounds like he sees things about your fiancé that may cause issies way later in your marriage. He's being real and brave for pointing that out to you! I wouldn't say anything to your dad unless he brings it up again, then tell him you got the message the first time and that he has to respect tour decisions especially of they are not directly impacting him (your dad).
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  • L
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Lacey ·
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    He may be looking out for me. However, he looked out for me too in high school when I was failing French and he pulled me out of high school to be "homeschooled" to which he just gave up homeschooling me, sent me to get a full time job and then I missed prom, graduation and lost a division I scholarship, and then was a transfer college student from community college.

    He also was looking out for me when he pushed me to date a doctor because he was successful, and then as the doctor continuously compared me to his supermodel ex, and refused to label our relationship, my dad encouraged me to try over and over again to play games and persuade the guy for months - which was extremely damaging to my confidence.

    My dad also still talks like my ex-fiancé was a real catch, who abandoned me at 8 weeks pregnant because he wanted to "wait to see if he really wanted to get married after I had her" then called me two weeks later to say he wanted nothing to do with her.

    So I'm concerned about my father hijacking my life plans based on what he thinks is best for me, because he doesn't have to suffer the consequences.

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Okay then, if you feel he has a pattern of giving you bad advice or pressuring you to do something that's not in your best interest, then I'm confused as to why you are asking for suggesstions on how to get him to be more accepting?! At this point one in your position may just laugh and go about their day w/o worry.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    "I've been engaged for two months. My fiancé and I have been dating since last April. I have a 10 month old daughter from my ex-fiancé who wants nothing to do with her, and she calls my current fiancé daddy."

    So you had a baby in February with your ex-fiance, started dating New Guy in April (during corona?? What did you do for dates??), then got engaged in October after dating for six months?

    Girl I'm sorry but you need to slow your roll. You are moving way too fast here, especially considering you have a baby girl to think about. You have already been engaged before, you loved that guy enough to say yes and then that relationship didn't work out and now you're engaged to someone else less than a year later. Your dad is right, you should absolutely think twice before jumping into marriage with anyone especially given that you're a parent.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Lacey ·
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    I apologize if my tone was intense with my reply.

    I guess I don't laugh it off because I take what he has to say seriously, because in other things he's really smart. My dad is an entrepreneur who made millions.

    But it feels like he lives in this fantasy world where there's a Prince Charming for me who has also made millions, and wants what I want, six kids and a quiet life in the country, and that I should just suddenly call off my engagement because my fiancé (who is also my best friend) in hopes that I will bump into my dad's "fantasy guy" in the grocery store. Oh, but according to him it's unrealistic for me to expect a man to be doting and trustworthy (which is exactly what my fiancé is), because according to my dad all men cheat.

    Yeah and before I met my fiancé, it was "Oh you'll meet this guy in college", "Oh you'll meet this guy at work", "Oh you'll meet this guy if you join a book club" and so forth as I quickly realized no such man exists and I hated dating men that even came close.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Lacey ·
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    Haha, I completely get where you're coming from but it's not as bad as it sounds. I was engaged and ran a gym with my ex-fiance. I did the marketing for that gym, and it started to pick up sales (about $40,000 a month).

    My ex at the time got together with my future MIL two weeks before the wedding and decided they didn't want to split the finances with me. He cancelled our wedding two weeks before (we weren't fighting at all) and told me he wanted to wait until after I had the baby to see if we were compatible. I said no, and that we would co-parent. I was 8 weeks.

    He called me two weeks later, was moving in another woman and said he wanted nothing to do with my daughter. I went through my pregnancy 100% alone and even gave birth alone. I reached out to my ex after she was born in Feb, and he said he'd only have a relationship with her if he didn't have to pay child support which then he really meant, still no relationship. The family denies she exists. I met my current fiancé in March and he met my family right away in April. He drove out two hours from the country to spend time with us and would buy a hotel for the weekend to sleep in so he could spend time with us. This was every other weekend from April to now.

    He treated me like a princess and we waited about four months to have sex so we took it pretty slow. He's been there to see her grow for most of her life, and he proposed at the beginning of November Smiley smile

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    "Does anyone have any advice on how to get my family to be more accepting? or better yet, set boundaries with them?"

    There's a lot going on in your post and replies, but I think it boils down to these questions. For the first, there's nothing you can say or do to change other people's minds. All you and your fiancé can do is live your lives and show through your actions how serious you both are. Your family will either come around or they won't but that is out of your control.

    For the second, from all of your follow up it sounds like you don't think your dad has ever had your best interests at heart. So, I'm confused why you would even care for his good opinion now? Or why his (clearly) meaningless blessing was sought or is something causing you angst now. Re. boundaries, you set them by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Again, you can't magically control other people's actions, but if you, for example, ask your dad to stop saying negative things about your fiancé, then if he doesn't stop you hang up the phone/leave the room/end the conversation. If you do this consistently you will train your dad how he is allowed to treat you.

    All of that said, I agree with PP that your timeline seems really quick re. the two engagements and baby and if I were your friend I would also be counseling you to slow down and think very carefully about this. If your relationship is solid, there should be no harm in waiting a couple of years to get married.

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  • Sharon
    Super September 2021
    Sharon ·
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    Well it sounds like there are a few issues going on here. I see why your dad might be concerned. If I read your first paragraph correctly in less than a year, you've had a baby, broke up with one fiance and met a new guy that you're now engaged to. That's super fast and a lot to happen in a short period time. It also sounds like you're the type of person who loves being in a relationship and goes from one to another without being on your own for any real length of time. Maybe your dad just wants you to slow down and be sure this is the right guy and relationship for you.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I agree with others that commented on the baby/relationship timeline. All of this seems fast, and I would expect a parent to be concerned even without any other factors involved.

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  • Katelyn
    Savvy May 2017
    Katelyn ·
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    I agree re: way too fast. You met this man in March and are already planning to marry him. You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Why get married so quickly? There's nothing wrong with dating for a couple of years before marrying. If he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you'll still want to spend the rest of your life with him after a few years of dating.

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