My 2nd marriage, Fh's first. Advice?

Hey Elizabeth! Our stories sound very similar minus children in the mix! I have a super small family (22 people) who all live in another state, been married before and had the big traditional wedding the first go around. I wanted nothing more than to elope! My FH on the other hand has never been married, has a way bigger family who live nearby, and he wants the traditional wedding. We have been able to compromise! We are paying for our own wedding, but have agreed to have a traditional wedding but with only family and very close friends. We are looking at 85 people. 22 are my family/friends, haha)! Mind you some of his extended family did not make the cut. There have certainly been times during the planning process where I wished we would have just eloped! And there have been some sadder moments for me in regards to my lower number of attendance from my side as well as some small guilt that I’ve already had this before... but on the plus side, there are a lot of things I am doing differently and I’ve been able to thank the previous experience for my “inside knowledge”. Hopefully you all can come up with a happy balance and make this day everything you both have ever dreamed of!!

That sounds like my story. We opted to get married on the beach in Florida with 55 people and a reception at the hotel. He got the “wedding” he wanted and our friends and family were able to be with us. We didn’t go overboard with things but it was nice.

View Quoted Comment Hey Kiley! Thanks so much for your response. Hearing from brides in a similar situation finding a compromise makes me feel hopeful. My close family consists of 5 including my kids so we are easy. Narrowing down his list is a different story lol but he's willing if we have to. Hoping we can find a middle ground but the little pricing I've done for even 50 people is kind of crazy! I know what you mean about the slight guilt and "inside knowledge". I know what I would do differently this time around which is part of my struggle but I'm putting myself in his shoes and know how much it would mean to him. I have faith it will work out however we decide to do it but still holding out hope he will want to elope as we find out how much goes into planning a wedding from afar. 😜

View Quoted Comment Hey Cyndy! I peeked at your profile. Such a beautiful wedding! I'm going to check out that venue. It's a perfect location, in between his mom and dad's side. (Tallahassee and Miami). Thanks for sharing your story!

View Quoted Comment Definitely check it out. It was a great hotel and venue for a small wedding. Our coordinator was amazing! Good luck.

Mines story is somewhat like yours but no kids lol. He was the one who was married before. This will be my first. His first wedding was big, My friend actually attended and she told me how they went all out. Well when he meet me and we started talking about our wedding, he started saying how he wanted big. I was the one who wanted it small. I thought he wanted it big but his mom put the idea in his head that his next wedding had to be bigger. Once i told him i rather save for a house than feed people that i don't really care about, he knew i was right. But i think you should really talk to him. Give him reasons why you want a small wedding and he can tell you what he really wants. Hopefully you two can come to a middle ground.

Our story is also similar! This is my second wedding and his first (and let's say will be his only lol) and my FH is also an only child and I have two children. My FH wanted the big wedding and honestly by the time of our wedding there will be 14 years between my first wedding and this one. My first wedding was a shotgun wedding as I was pregnant and 21 and terrified, it was honestly awful and my mom planned the whole thing. FH wanted both of us to have the real wedding experience and it's been a lot of fun and so sweet. My family loves FH and is excited for our wedding, they are all mainly happy to see the kids and I so happy. Do whatever feels right and best for the both of you and your family, no two weddings are alike just as no two couples are alike. Good luck with your planning and Congratulations on your engagement!

I am have a similar story as well. Although I did not have a wedding in my first marriage. FH and I decided to keep it small and simple and not get caught up in all the "traditional" traps that end up making weddings cost so much. It feels like we just get to throw a fun party with our closest friends and family.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Amanda! Our stories are pretty similar! My first wedding was 15 years ago and I didn't plan it because I wasn't into the big hoopla even back then so my ex's mom planned it in 3 weeks which ended up being a traditional wedding with 100 guests that cost my parents 25k. I'm an only child so they wanted to but I refuse for them to do that again. (This is where my guilt comes from)

Looking back, I didn't like my dress, hair, or makeup and how impersonal the day felt. I opted out of paying for professional makeup and didn't feel as beautiful as I know I should've. So a small part of me is happy for a do-over with things like that but mostly I want to focus on us this time. Weddings can turn into what everyone else wants so this would be our opportunity to do things OUR way which is fun. Either way, I'll get excited once we finally have a plan!

So I'm the opposite of your story. My FH has been married before and has done the big wedding and I have never been married. I of course want the big wedding so he's doing it all again for me. He would have been fine just eloping. (Yup, houses are expensive.) It depends on your relationship. It sounds like you want to have the wedding for him and I think that's wonderful. Plus you get to do it all again with the love of your life! I personally would have regretted not doing a big wedding. It's my only chance! Maybe to compromise you don't have to do a bachelorette party or a wedding shower? I'm not sure how important those things are to you. You could save money there and your FH could still do a bachelor party to get the whole experience?

View Quoted Comment Hi Kayla! That's EXACTLY how I want it to feel like. A fun party without all the traditional expenses. I just want to marry my best friend.

View Quoted Comment Hi Lily! Thanks for your perspective! This is exactly why I want my FH to have the experience. I don't want him to feel like he missed out on a once in a lifetime experience. That's important to me for him to get what he wants out of this too.

I'm definitely thinking of ways to cut some expenses. I'm totally good not having a bridal shower or bachelorette party. I'm kind of lame so my idea of fun is an intimate dinner with my close besties. That's what I would do anyway. I never had an engagement party, bridal shower, or bachelorette the first time around either. I'm good with simple flowers and we decided boutonnieres and corsages are not necessary. We do want to pay for a photographer/videographer since I used to photograph weddings with my ex and pro pictures are important. And his non negotiable is an open bar lol IF we go that route, which sounds like we are after typing all this. Lol.

View Quoted Comment Hi Anna! Thanks for sharing. Before we got engaged last month, we talked about our 3-5 year plan to buy our own house. I've never had a house that felt like home so it would be a dream to look for a house together with the kids and finally stop renting. We went to a homebuyer workshop earlier this year and since then, I've been putting away money every month which would technically pay for our wedding BUT that would delay the house buying a year or so, hence the dilemma! Eek! Lol

Sit down with FH and talk to him about what he would like. What are his most important things about a wedding? He could even write down his priorities for the wedding. That will give you a much better idea about what he is looking for in an experience. I bet you'll find that some of the "traditional" stuff you had the first time around, he doesn't even care about. Also, it will give you a chance to explore alternate ways of doing a wedding. He would probably like to hear about your experience the first time around, in terms of planning, cost, timing, etc. You already did this once, so you aren't starting from zero here. You'll be able to help him keep the costs down, since you probably have a good idea of what you're going to want to spend money on, and what to scale back on. I'm sure you'll come up with something that makes you both happy.