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Joelle
Beginner July 2021

Moving in together

Joelle, on December 23, 2019 at 9:44 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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Hey everyone,


My fiancé and I recently got a townhouse together, but I won’t be moving in with him for another 2-3 months or so. For now, I’m just spending a lot of time there. I’m only 24 and he’s 28. Here’s the problem: I’m absolutely terrified of moving out. I’ve never been on my own before, never went away to college, and I am VERY close with my mom and my brother so the idea of leaving them is very sad, even though I’ll only be 15 min away. I feel like it’s putting a strain on our relationship and I’m super worried for our future cus he knows how scared I am and he has been on his own supporting himself since he graduated college, so he can’t relate to my feelings. He just wants to live with me. Does anyone have any advice on moving in with a significant other when so sad and scared to leave your childhood home? Can anyone relate, or has anyone Experienced anything similar? Any advice would help, I just want to know I’m not alone. (It’s not that I don’t want to live with him, I just don’t want to leave my mom and childhood home 😭) I’ve been crying about it and having anxiety attacks every day knowing I won’t get to sleep in my own bed anymore in 3 months and won’t come downstairs to have coffee with my mom every morning and hang out and laugh with my brother 😭

18 Comments

Latest activity by Joelle, on December 26, 2019 at 9:49 PM
  • Erin
    Dedicated October 2020
    Erin ·
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    I bought a house with my fiance after living with my mom my whole life & after his mom moved in with him. It was scary and intimidating but I was so ready to be able to be alone with my fiance and finally experience the freedom of being an adult with my own space! I had lots of emotions in the first few weeks but it's an adjustment for you both. My fiance understood that it was my first time living without my mom so he was/is very patient and things now are lovely. It will make time with your mom and family that much more special & you'll find new ways to stay in touch. Sometimes I'll invite my mom just to go grocery shopping, out for breakfast, or to get our hair done at the same time. You'll figure out what works for you and your relationships! Now you'll get to make new memories with your future husband in your home together like the nice memories you have of your childhood home Smiley smile

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  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Unfortunately, I can't relate as I lived away from home in college and when I was forced to move back home during my credential program, I couldn't wait to move back out. If you are having such intense anxiety moments, maybe talking to a professional about how you're feeling and your fears will help you? They may have some great suggestions/wisdom to impart on you that can help you feel more confident and comfortable with leaving your childhood home.

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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    My FH moved in together the month I graduated college. I didn’t move away for school and I moved to a new state with him. It was scary and new but so exciting too. My mom was beyond sad and I was too for weeks leading up to the move and for a few weeks after, but I knew it was the right thing to do for me as well as the healthy thing for me and my relationship. I knew I could always count on her love and support no matter what.
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  • Benya
    Dedicated May 2021
    Benya ·
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    I can't relate too much as I was the only child and felt smothered by all the attention and wanted to get away. That being said, it was a bit sad and hard at first. I basically spent the a week at his place and the other half at my parents' to ease everyone in. Then, I cut back to spend the weekend with them. And then just going over to have dinner once or twice a week.
    Also once you start to decorate your new place and make it your own, you'll feel much happier. You can also invite your family over to entertain them. Just take the plunge. If you miss them, they are only 15 minutes away
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  • Ingrid
    VIP October 2020
    Ingrid ·
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    I think you need to really question the attachment. I understand being close to family but it sounds like an unhealthy attachment if you're having anxiety about starting a new chapter with your future husband. It sounds like you need to soul search to understand what the real cause is.
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  • Anna
    Super April 2020
    Anna ·
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    I kinda know what you're talking about. I have too lived with my mother all my life. The only time i have been away from my mom was when i would stay with my dad. I happen to have 3 little sisters, the youngest being 10 years old. I have raised her as my own. I honestly cry thinking of leaving her. Her and i share a room so i have never really been away from her. She asked me the a while back, whats going to happen after the wedding. I told her i am moving in with my fh. She started crying. She even made me cry. Even though we will be living close by, it wont be the same. I say talk to your fh. I tell my fh that if my sister needs me, i will be there for her, until slowly she gets used to me not being there. You can do that too. Explain to him how if you miss your mom, you will go to her until you finally get used to it. Hope this helps.

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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Are you sure you're ready to be married?

    I strongly second the "go to counseling" advice above. If you are this upset about moving out to be with your FH, you might not really be ready for marriage.

    DH had never lived anywhere but with his parents, and both of us insisted that he move out and be with roommates for a bit before we moved in together (I'm older than he is and had been living on my own/with roommates for quite some time). Living your life on your own, without your parents to catch you, is critical to managing your life with a chosen partner.

    Panic attacks and crying sound like you really need to step back, reevaluate your timelines, and seek out counseling.

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  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
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    I can understand being excited and a bit apprehensive, but if you’re having severe anxiety and possibly panic attacks, I would question whether you’re really ready to get married.


    I would recommend talking to your fiance, your parents and maybe a counselor. Good luck!!
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Its okay to be a little nervous and anxious, but more so excited to be on my own with my FHor our own rules, creating our own traditions, etc. I was when we moved in together Nov 1st 2018, then we got engaged July 4 2019. I missed my family and we are 30 min away but the distance made us stronger and we get along better. I would def recommend talking to a professional if you're crying everyday and having anxiety attacks. That's a part of getting married is becoming one with your partner and you two becoming your own little family. It's something to get used to, but its manageable. Eventually you have to leave the nest. At the end of the day, it's a big step to make but def needed.
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  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    Yes it will strain your relationship because your fiancé is now becoming the most important. And it’s good and normal and something you need to do to be a married woman. See a counselor if needed but my opinion is never marry someone without living with them first because it can be so hard especially during the first six months and you need to know what you’re getting into. You’re leaving your old family for your new family and it’s an important step that you’ll just have to be brave and do if you want to be married. I can’t exactly relate bc I moved out at 18, but I have lived with 3 boyfriends incl my now husband (I would have married 2 of them if we hadn’t lived together first and that would have been a mistake) and moved across the country with my husband and I can tell you please don’t choose your mom and brother over your fiancé. I think 15 min away is perfect.
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  • Meghan
    Super September 2019
    Meghan ·
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    I was in a similar situation. I didn't go away to college, hadn't lived anywhere besides with my parents. I also hate change and tend to be very routine driven so the prospect of moving out of my parents' house and into a new place definitely caused me anxiety. And there were a lot of tears on move-out day. And a lot of days that I missed my parents, dog, and old house. But as I adjusted it got better. We visit both of our parents' houses at least once a week, so that helps. But now 3 years later life at my parents' house feels so long ago and I don't miss it anymore.

    I think it's common for there to be some anxiety and sadness connected to something like this because it represents the end of an era so to speak. And it's a big life change. I don't think it means you're not ready to get married though like some people are saying. Change is harder for some people than others but that doesn't mean they're not ready for it, just that it takes longer to adjust. But you'll get there.

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  • Joelle
    Beginner July 2021
    Joelle ·
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    It has nothing to do with marriage - strictly about moving out of my childhood home. I am not nervous to be married, in fact I’m excited.
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    I recently graduated from college in May and was SO sad that I had to move out of my house with my roommates. It's not that I didn't want to move in with my FH. It's just a tough transition when you're going from a house of 4 girls that you constantly can talk to or grab lunch with to a house with one person that isn't home regularly. (My fiance is a firefighter and works for days at a time, sleeping at the station). I also moved to a new city and didn't know a single soul. I know it's a little different of a situation but same concept. I was a wreck when I moved out in May. There were many tears shed from me and my roommates. It's okay to be scared. It's the ending of an era. You're moving into unknown territory. Just know that getting to live together is also an amazing experience! There will be many movie nights, shared bottles of wine, homemaking, and holidays under your new shared roof. Take time to be sad and a little scared but also take some time to be excited that you're taking this step. You're going to have so much fun living with the one you love. I promiseSmiley smile

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  • Sammi
    Savvy July 2021
    Sammi ·
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    I can relate. Both my fiancé and I have never lived away from home and we plan to get a house in the spring. My family is extremely close, and his family is equally as close. Recently with the holidays and having to split between our 2 families, I have been upset being away from my family. I love my fiancé to death and his family is great also, but just the idea of being away from my family hurts so much. It’s so bittersweet. I am extremely excited for our wedding and living with my future husband and our future together, but at the same time it’s so hard to leave my family. I know it’ll get better with time, and I will probably see my parents/talk to them multiple days a week, but this initial feeling is hitting me so hard. Especially it being the first time him and I have done holidays together and having to split away from some of our family/traditions. I know we’ll be able to do it, because everyone has to grow up at some point and begin to create a family and traditions of our own, but of course it will still be so hard. I know that all we will need is time and eventually that will become our everyday life/routines.
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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    My advice would be to just transition slowly.

    It's not like you can NEVER just go sleep at your moms. I go stay at my moms sometimes. Sometimes I even bring our dog. Don't force yourself to make this hard lined transition and then NEVER go home again.

    Maybe just bring a suitcase of clothes and leave them at the townhouse. Sleep there a few nights, go to your moms a few nights, go back to your townhouse a few nights.

    Gradually take a few more things over there.

    Maybe take a few things from your bedroom and put it in the bedroom there, so it feels like home.

    Eventually you'll realize you have so much stuff at the townhouse it's inconvenient to go to your moms for more than a night or 2 and you'll have a new routine at the townhouse.


    Also, maybe have your mom over for dinner once a week! I don't know how close her and your FH are but maybe if started a new tradition of Sunday dinners or Tuesday dinners at your house, it'd help make it feel more like your home.


    I really don't like change and if I just suddenly moved in with my FH, I would probably feel similarly. I gradually moved in with him and before I knew it, I was going for "sleepovers" every few months at my moms and that was it.

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  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
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    Also, who says you can't have coffee every morning with your mom?! haha. I wake up 45 mins early to drive to my grandmas EVERY SINGLE DAY and have coffee with her before work. I've done this every week day for 5 years.

    Wake up a little earlier and drive to your moms and have coffee with her. You don't have to give anything up just because you move out.

    Eventually you will find a natural balance.

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  • Kris
    Beginner August 2018
    Kris ·
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    You need to really determine whether you’re ready for this step. You said that your fiancé really wants to live with you, but what do you want? I don’t want to be harsh but I just want you to think about whether you’re prioritizing his feelings over your own.
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  • Joelle
    Beginner July 2021
    Joelle ·
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    It’s not that I don’t want to live with him, though, nor am I having second thoughts on our relationship or wedding or new place, I’m just attached to my home, and it’s hard to leave.
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