Mother Son & Step Mother Son dance

I feel like you should be able to ask the person you're about to marry anything. I don't see why it would be inappropriate.

Exactly as Caytlyn has stated, you should be able to talk to the one you're about to marry about anything. You should just come straight out and ask him or even suggest to him that he also have a dance with his step-mom.

I have a friend that had her dad walk her down the aisle, but she had a dance with her father and step-dad because he'd been in her life since childhood.

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I want to, he just usually gets really defensive about family matters that I have an opinion on that he doesn't like then just drops it.

There's been a whole issue with his brother for the past year that we argue on and if I bring up anything or say my opinion because its the opposite he gets defensive and just shuts me out.

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I have to be honest, that's concerning. Every once in awhile my FH doesn't like what I have to say and walks away, but I have said to him that there will be things we don't want to hear from one another but as a couple we HAVE to listen to one another and be able to talk about the things we don't always see eye to eye on. After that conversation, he's improved 100%. We still have moments, but I now know that after he calms down from hearing his dislike he comes back with a new perspective and open to listening to solutions.

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Hes only like that when it comes to family matters. Like this issue with his brother the past year. His brother has gone back and forth to his wife who is an awful person who the whole family hates. When he's with her, he disowns them all and disappears for months until they separate again. He was supposed to be the best man. He didn't talk to my FH for months, didn't say happy birthday, nothing. Then comes back into the picture out of nowhere, doesn't apologize, and then they act like everything fine and nothing ever happened, and is now the best man again, even though 1 he doesn't know me at all because he's been absent 90% of the time I've been around, and 2 was absent for 95% of the planning process. When I voice I have an issue with him not apologizing he just gets defensive and then shuts me out. I am nice and friendly to the brother, I have invited him to go out with us and over the house for dinner so they can hangout. I would never be rude or stop them from seeing each other I'm glad he's back around my FH because i know ho much my FH missed him. I just voiced my opinion of disapproval of how he acts and get shut down. So that's why I'm afraid to bring the dance up and him get defensive if he says he's not going to do a dance with her and I say I think he should.

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Even if it's only in this one situation, I would still be concerned about it. There could be many reasons why he gets defensive when talking about his brother, but you shouldn't feel like you have to hold your opinions back from your future spouse. Have you guys done any pre-marital counseling? It may be helpful to help figure out exactly why he's getting defensive in this situation so you can work together to learn how to communicate through it. It could simply be the fact that he's upset with how is brother has acted and when you bring it up, his emotions that he's trying to move past get brought up too. Regardless, I would definitely figure out the reason for the defense so you can not only better understand one another, but better communicate throughout your marriage.

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I never though it if like that, me bringing it up makes him upset and then he kinda deflects it back to me. I will definitely bring up counseling to him and see what he thinks.

Thank you!

View Quoted Comment I agree with Nicole that counseling could help you two learn to communicate and work through things without him getting defensive.


I just wanted to share my own personal experience on a similar family situation because maybe it will give you a different perspective when trying to talk with him. My mom started dating her husband right before I graduated high school and left for college, and in the beginning things were great, but after I moved out of state he started getting really controlling to the point that she wasn’t allowed to talk to her family, including me, for months/a year at a time. When she could talk to us, he had to be present. They got married in 2012 and the family was invited, and we all went and decided to keep our mouths shut because we were afraid we wouldn’t be allowed to see her or talk to her again if we didn’t. Over the last 8 years, he has gradually allowed more and more contact, I think partially because he considers my kids his grandkids too, but we still all really watch what we say because if we push too far we could end up back where we were.
It sounds like your FH is trying to walk a delicate line here trying to keep from losing his brother again. Maybe he’s afraid you’ll say something to your FBIL. That said, you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, no matter how uncomfortable, and being able to work through things together is extremely important.

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Thank you for the insight!
I know he is afraid to lose his brother again. As long as he is not with the wife, he is fine and around the family. Once he gets back with her, she manipulates him and pulls him away. We are keeping our fingers crossed this is the last time, but this has happened twice now since I have been here for just over 2 years, and has happened a few times before.

I have not said anything and would not to my FBIL about the fact I have an issue with him. I will however stand up for their dad and step mom if needed. In this case, my FBIL was horrible and rude and mean to his dad and step mom months ago. They are the only ones, mainly the step mom, holding him accountable for treating them horribly. My FBIL over the past few months since he has been around us again, has made comments being disrespectful and saying they should be the ones to reach out to him. When in my opinion, he is in the wrong. I have not said anything, I bite my tongue and walk away when he makes these comments. I did tell my FH if it happens again, I will say something. Not rude, just state my opinion and stand up for the dad and step mom.

There's just so much family drama and have to tip toe around everyone all the time its just hard to handle and process. I feel like I have whiplash from one rude comment to the next to fighting to making up to talking behind each others back. Planning the wedding has made everything worse, especially with the mom and step mom. I feel like his mom puts the step mom in her place, when its rude and not needed. Then they act find and put on a show for everyone else. They were both at my bridal shower for my family in MA, and everyone was like wow I can't believe how well they get along. Then the step mom planned the most beautiful shower for me in PA for his family and friends who live here. But in the process, they butted heads the mom told her shes the real mom she should be doing everything and then the whole thing starts all over.

View Quoted Comment I understand! I hate dealing with family drama, and it’s generally my family. My husband tends to say what he thinks about it too, or gets so frustrated he just walks away, but he is always there to support me when I need him. We may not always agree on how to handle things, but we always present a united front. Good luck!