Mother of the Groom Dilemma

Basically I wanted to confirm she did in fact receive the STD and her response is she isn't sure what her responsibilities are as mother of the groom, but she has set aside our wedding date and isn’t sure what date she should arrive. So I stated simply just show up to walk him down the aisle and perform mother/son dance and basically support him on this new journey. That we are doing as much as possible since we are asking our guests to travel and to arrive by 7/5 but any time before is totally fine. Her reply is getting there by 7/5 is impossible as she has no money for anything. Travel, accommodation, extras. She simply doesn’t have it at all. I forwarded her reply to FH with no response yet. Since this is his mother, I am willing to support whatever decision he makes. The fact that she was dodging him for 3 months really bothers me. He’s always been very nonchalant about her and I would advise to him to keep the relationship and chat more, hang out more, etc. But now I understand and will no longer pressure him to have this non-existent relationship. It’s just really disappointing.

Did your FH let FMIL know months ago that you two would help with travel costs? If not perhaps she feels embarrassed or unsure how to respond n been dodging FH?

She says she doesn't have the money to travel.

Did you guys bring up the logistics to her before this?

I am sure she isn't proud that she can't afford this and has to rely on your charity.

I am having a hard time seeing your side of the situation here. She doesn't have the money to go, and you knew that.

I am sure she is hurt and embarrassed that she cannot afford to attend the wedding of her own son. Surely you must have had a head's up on this( financial situation) for awhile. I'd get her a ticket and say, "Happy Mother's Day a little early." This would preserve everybody's feelings and dignity. When you have a destination wedding, this is one of the caveats that goes with it.

Have you guys told her you're willing to help with her costs? It sounds like she's feeling embarrassed and maybe a little unwelcome?

Was receiving the save the date her first notice of your official wedding date and location? I know you said your fiance and his mother aren't close - but I don't know how distant their relationship is. It's possible she was offended to find out about everything through the STD and not be told directly or asked if she could attend?

Either way I'd have you and your FH get on the same page about which costs you're willing to cover, and loop FMIL in!

The way she found out your date and location was the STD?? You didn't call and verify it with her first??

Eeeek. I probably would have had this discussion with her before you set out save the dates ("hi mom, we're having a DW, we know it's expensive so we're gonna cover your costs") instead of sending her the STD and her feeling like there is no way she can do it. She was probably "dodging him" because she didn't know how to tell her son she couldn't afford it.

Now its damage control time. Have FH tell her what you're willing to pay and see if it'll work for her.

Yeah, I would call her and profusely apologize for being rude. Tell her that you will pay for her trip.

Early October 2016 we announced to her our engagement over brunch, communicated it’ll be a destination wedding and FH said he will assist her financially where necessary, with my full support. Therefore she didn’t just find out about the wedding once the save the dates were sent and we already budgeted for her attendance. She already knew and in November 2016 once we decided on the country he again sent her a text (as she never answers her phone when he calls) to let her know we chose CR. The STD were sent soon after we signed the contract for the venue (1 week later) as we wanted to of course finalize the exact dates. This is when FH started reaching out to his mom to figure out the logistics of travel and accommodations so we can begin booking her piece (mostly flight). Except she never got back to him. EVER. Even his sister tried reaching out and still nothing. But she is active on FB and liking comments. To put in perspective, she did not raise him. Him and his sister were adopted by their grandmother on their father’s side as she got caught up in the 1980s. This is a normal practice of her just falling off the face of the earth. He’ll send her happy birthday or mother’s day wishes along with a suggestion to take her out for dinner. This woman will literally not respond for months at a time. This is where the complaint is stemming from. I personally don’t care if we have to pay her way. This is expected. The complaint is FH has been trying to communicate with her knowing of the future plans, but she hasn’t responded to him. How does one set aside a date, but doesn’t make the steps necessary to ensure she will in fact make it there? It’s not like we are waiting for her to reach out. FH, his sister and I have reached out. But it wasn’t until I sent her a message did she say anything or even speak to anyone.

I can understand your disappointment. I wonder if her lack of communication is related to a deeper issue (her not raising him) and not you and FH directly. What probably hurts more is that FH wants here there to enjoy and share this monumental life milestone and she's just being overly difficult.

@ J. Clo, thank you for understanding my disappointment. I really don't think I was being rude as @ A.L. suggested. The only reason why I even sent her a message is because no one has heard from her (nothing new), but she's active on social media. In my opinion that's rude as hell when your son is trying to reach you. I tried my best to stay out of it, but with less than 100 days until our day and while FH has been nonchalant I asked if he wanted me to reach out and he said yes. While he kind of shrugs his shoulders, he still wants her to be there. But her actions have upset him and in turn upsets me as well.

@MBean we will definitely get trip insurance for the flights as this is the biggest expense. Another reason why it would have been helpful to have had her respond sooner.

Will be having a full conversation with FH regarding this whole situation along with FSIL, but so far and as originally stated he said we'll be paying her way.

I understand the rule that if you're paying for your own wedding, that you don't have to ask for permission or approval from anyone... but if you decided to invite her, she must mean something to FH. It's his mother, therefore that would have been something I would think you would talk to her about before planning a DW. Sometimes that's hard for other people in the family, and that's not a big deal. But mother of the groom being in attendance, regardless of their relationship, should be priority.

Side note: My mother is not attending my wedding because of the choices I made. I asked her before scheduling our venue and she insisted that she could not come. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, but that still really hurt me to know that she wouldn't be there for the most important day in my life thus far. Sometimes people don't open up their emotions, but I'm sure FH doesn't feel very good about this. I think if it's possible, you guys should try and pay for her trip.

Chantel, I understand your frustration. But, unless you're inside this woman's head, you can't understand the decades of regret, shame, and embarrassment she feels every time her son is mentioned. She is well aware of what she chose over her son. She may have been young and stupid back in the 1980's, and knowing that there was a grandmother who would take her son and raise him in a way she knew she couldn't, may have made it too easy for her to walk away.

However, every choice has a consequence. When you get to middle age, all of those tabs come due. She literally threw away the most amazing experience a woman can have -- being a mother. Now, she hides. Of course she hides. She doesn't want to face her choices, and there is some guilt she's feeling about escorting her son down the aisle and engaging in a mother/son dance. This is probably massive for her (whether it looks that way or not).

He needs to speak with her. Is she local enough so that he can drive to her home? She needs to be told that this is an all expense paid trip, and that he desperately wants her there...he needs her there He has to get past whatever is keeping her in hiding. She's probably been able to put this entire chapter out of her life -- until now. This is big -- it's her baby's wedding, a baby she didn't raise, and facing that is going to bring up lots of emotions she's effectively hidden.

If he really wants her there, he has to find a way to talk to her.

@Rachel, thanks for this POV. She isn't far from us so that'll be the next step for him. I haven't responded to her text yet as I'm waiting for a discussion with FH

I don't know, I don't understand your frustration. So she didn't respond? You knew she needed help. That didn't change. You're still three months out and now it's confirmed she needs help. Not seeing the source of frustration here.

It does sound like she is a little embarrassed.

Since you already budgeted for her to come (ie: you paying for her expenses) This is what I would do....

1- buy the plane ticket

2- book the lodging

3- book airport travel accommodations

4- gather information about the island (things she can do there)

5- take her to lunch, coffee, or drop it by her house as a gift saying "[FH] wants you to be with us and standing by our marriage. The day will not be the same without you".

If she wants to repay you or do something at the wedding to help lower the stress on you/FH about the event maybe arrange that for her. But if you budgeted for it I would purchase everything and send it to her.