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Mandy
Savvy October 2020

Mother - money vs marriage

Mandy, on December 3, 2019 at 7:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23
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So, a little back story first.. I had a child before meeting my FH, he loves my son and treats him as his own. We got engaged and 2 months later I found out I'm pregnant, I had our baby 1 year before the date we picked for our wedding. Because I had a high risk pregnancy we decided to hold off on planning the wedding until after I had the baby. My mother had been very supportive in the beginning, offering to pay for my dress, saying to let her know if I need help with anything (I am trying to do as much DIY as I can), etc. Today I texted my mom saying how the wedding is in 11 months and I don't know where to begin. I was hoping that she would give suggestions or help ease my anxiousness... instead she starts off by saying she doesn't know what to say, that I'll be giving up a lot of money at tax time just for a piece of paper. Now all of a sudden my mother seems to be against me getting married and is trying to talk me out of it just so I continue to get more money back at income tax time. My parents both love my FH so I know it has nothing to do with them not wanting me to marry him for any other reason. I just feel like she is being very negative, insensitive and unsupportive. She keeps saying it's just a piece of paper and not worth losing out on thousands of dollars for it. My mother and I were never close before because of how negative she has always been my entire life. Part of me wants to elope but I know she will be upset she missed the wedding and never let it go. I'm not sure what to do or say, it wouldn't help trying to talk to her about this because she will just get angry and turn it into a fight. I feel like she's ruined some of my excitement about this... is it really that big of a deal? (Taxes) and if so why does anyone get married? I asked her if she regrets getting married and she said no because she didn't have kids before she was married therefore didn't have the option of the money...

23 Comments

Latest activity by Simone, on December 5, 2019 at 1:30 PM
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    I am not a CPA but our accountant told us it’s better for married couples tax wise. I’m not sure how it would mean you would get less back. Also there are two options, you can file married jointly or married separately if your incomes have a huge disparity. It’s something to talk to an accountant about if you’re worried but I’ve never heard of getting married meaning giving up money at tax time.
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  • VIP November 2021
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    I think you should sit down and talk to your mother about how you feel (if you haven’t already) that is a lot to have on your shoulders from her but just explain that it isn’t about money, marriage is about love. And you really would like if she could be more supportive and positive about it and hopefully she respects that and things get better. Sorry ! I know that’s not much help lol but I feel bad and you don’t need extra stress on top of kids and wedding plans haha I know, our daughter is 4.5
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you!!! I honestly don't know much about taxes, this was just something I've always heard. I remember when I was younger my mother commented on 2 other girls getting married after kids and saying how stupid it was because of benefits when being a single mother.
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you! I keep thinking about what I want to say to her. She can be hard to talk to, she gets offended easily and turns conversations into fights quickly.
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  • VIP November 2021
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    I get it — ugh I’m so sorry!!!!!!! That’s like such an awful position for you but stand your ground !!!
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    Your moms priorities seem skewed. I would try to talk to her about it.


    The tax thing seems weird to me too. Ive always heard that there are more tax breaks for married people. I know my friend who was married and is now single said she got so much more back when she was married and she has two children. I know I don't get anything extra tax wise just for being a single mother. I would talk to an accountant about it like the previous posters have said.
    Good luck!
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you!
    I hate that she's made this into a money thing. It was never a thought to us and I've told her I don't care about it. I talked to my aunt about it because she does my taxes and she said "All I can say is you get money from earned income credit which means low income and single mom when you get married it becomes a joint tax return with both income added together so you may not qualify for the earned income".
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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    You can file married separate instead of married jointly. I was concerned about not getting as much back and our accountant reassured me filing jointly was best and it’s rare that she recommends filing separately. But I don’t think that’s a reason to not get married.
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    If you’re ready to get married, you won’t need your mothers permission. Everyone wants their mothers blessing and happiness, but that’s not always how it works. Do what’s best for you and your fiancé. If you’re honestly considering not marrying because of what your mother is saying, she’s probably right and you should wait. Don’t get married because of what anyone else says or because of what tax deductions you’ll get or won’t get, get married because of love. I wish you the best.
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  • Canadiangal
    Dedicated August 2020
    Canadiangal ·
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    I would maybe ask her if it's about taxes or something else because to me it kinda sounds like your mom isn't supportive of you getting married now because you had a child with your spouse before getting married.

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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    She’s had more experience as a mother and may seem to think that enough money to raise both your children is more important than, what she calls, a piece of paper. Marriage is so much more than that, as people that have fought for marriage laws know (race, sex, etc). She seems to be thinking VERY big picture and not about happiness, and i definitely don’t think that’s how life works.
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  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    Her mother is probably referring to OP being able to file as "head of household" since she is single with 2 kids. That is a significant tax advantage over filing married jointly or married separately. Once she gets married she will lose that tax status and not get as much back, and depending on both of their incomes, could see a significant reduction in refund.

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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you! I'm definitely not considering not getting married, it just hurts me that my own mom is thinking that way and trying to convince me money is more important.
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you! I'm not considering not getting married because of her or the taxes, I just kinda needed to vent a little about my mom because it hurts that she's like this.
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you!!
    She's always been a very negative person so sometimes it's hard to see any hidden meanings to her words or actions. Thank you for being so insightful and positive.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Please talk to an actual tax accountant in your area to get a real numbers comparison for you (also remembering that how much refund you get back has nothing to do with how much taxes you actually owe/pay). Once you have the real numbers based on your income, you will feel better about moving forward with your life.


    Oh, and also stop talking to your mother about whether you are getting married. She doesn't get an opinion! Smiley smile

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    My husband is a staff accountant (and two exams away from our CPA). We can't claim as much in certain aspects, but our return won't be much smaller than it was when we filed single. Your tax return depends on a ton of things: income, what you claim, etc. not just being married or single. If it really was THAT bad to file married, a lot less people would do it. There are also several ways to file even if you are married. I'd consult a tax lawyer or CPA about this if it's a true worry, not your mother.

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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    That makes sense! I know nothing about taxes except what our accountant tells us haha.
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you lol I'm definitely taking that advice. When she's not trying to talk me out of it because of taxes she's trying to take over plans 🙄
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  • Mandy
    Savvy October 2020
    Mandy ·
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    Thank you! I honestly don't think she knows what she's talking about. Everyone's help on here has confirmed that for me. It's just upsetting she was taking a happy time for me and making it about something we were never concerned about. I just don't know enough about it to explain to her that she is wrong.
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