Mother inlaw not okay with wedding

This is a FH problem, not a MIL problem. Your husband needs to cut the cord and establish (and enforce) firm boundaries with his mother. He's an adult, no one should have control over him. She also doesn't need to be okay with your wedding, again, he is an adult.

It's your FH'S responsibility to esrablish abd maintain boundaries with his mother. She doesnt have to agree with your choice to plan fir a wedding, especially if you and him are not asking her for financial help.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the advice

View Quoted Comment He puts down those boundaries but she pushes right over them sadly. He does listen to the "rules" she trys to inforce. But that just causes more problems.

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Then he needs to show that there are repercussions when she behaves that way. He's an adult, she can't enforce rules unless he lets her. I would also seek pre-marital counseling, this is the kind of thing that can damage a relationship.

View Quoted Comment Does your FH live with his mother?

He needs to set clear boundaries with her. This is not for you to get in the middle of.

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That's not what is meant by healthy boundaries. No one can change another's behavior, and just "setting boundaries" and watching others trample them accomplishes nothing.

Your future spouse needs to understand that he cannot change his mother or "get her to agree". This is why others have said it's not a MIL problem but a FH problem. What he can do is decide what his limits are, tell her (before, during, or after her bad behavior) and then decide to remove himself from her influence/decline to see her/cut her off (whatever level is needed) if/when she ignores the boundaries.

Depending on how deep this goes, he may need to go into counseling to learn how to do this, but it should absolutely be within his power. If I were you, I wouldn't get married until he makes this change.

View Quoted Comment No we have our own home

Does she know that you're engaged at all? I would start by telling her that you are planning a wedding and take it from there. There's no responsibility of yours to "get her to agree" and hopefully you won't even need to. If she does have a problem, then your FH needs to either address it with her or just ignore it and continue on with your plans.

View Quoted Comment She knows that we're engaged. She's just is very mean about things.

The only way he can stop being affected by her behavior is to remove himself from the situation. He is actively engaging and therefore encouraging (allowing) her behavior. If she crosses a line on the phone, hang up. If she does so in person get up and walk away. It’s that simple. She can’t argue with him or push him around if he doesn’t make himself available for her to do so.


She will learn after he stops talking to her and gets up and leaves when she refuses to respect boundaries that that’s what will happen if she continues to behave the way she does. If she doesn’t then he’s either going to have to cut her off completely or continue to allow himself to be abused.
I agree with pp that counseling is needed. He’s an adult he shouldn’t allow this behavior from anyone. It will lead to lasting negative effects on your relationship and his psyche.

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Agreed. I would recommend some kind of couples counseling to help you both set healthy boundaries with his mother and each of you individually, and as a couple. This will only get worse as the wedding gets closer, you make big decisions (buying a house, having kids, etc.) so it needs to be addressed now. If his mother isn't paying for any of the wedding, it really doesn't matter what her opinion is.

Don’t really know what there is to agree with though. You guys are adults and are able to get married so you don’t necessarily need her permission either

View Quoted Comment This, exactly as Melle has stated!
You don’t need her permission to get married! And you don’t have to include her on most of the wedding planning!

Do the two of you depend on her financially in any way? I’m confused about her “rules”. If he doesn’t live with her why would there be any rules at all?

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He *does* listen to her "rules"?! How on earth does she have rules for a grown man who lives with his fiancee? Definitely counseling, because PPs are right - this is a FH problem - she's just doing what he allows her to do.

View Quoted Comment She's a cosigner on our house so she comes up with these rules. An we do what we want because we pay the bills and rent then there a full blown blowout from her

View Quoted Comment She just wants to control everything so if she doesn't like the idea all hell breaks loose for us

View Quoted Comment Thats the thing he doesnt listen to her rules. An when we don't she goes into a whole blow out and freaks the hell out. So if its not her way she makes things hell.