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Savvy August 2019

Mother in law issues

P, on November 2, 2018 at 3:52 PM Posted in Planning 0 11

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So I’ve always had issues dealing with my mother and father in law but it’s been getting bad.

First, they are millionaires but refused to pay for any part (except rehearsal) for our wedding. My parents (nowhere near as well off) and us are footing the bill. My FH parents paid for his sisters entire wedding but won’t pay for ours!

Second, my FMIL is clearly hurt that I have not taken her to see our venue (it’s 4 hours from her). She also insisted that I go wedding dress shopping with her in her state rather than with my mom in her state. I obviously went with my mom and when I showed her my dress she said that it would look good on me. She never said she liked it and honestly seemed pissed.

Third, she then proceeded to tell me that I should invite her friends that I’ve never met. Our plates are $100 per person and she wanted to invite 10 extra people. Funny part is she never asked. I sent her a list of invitees and asked her to send me addresses. She included their addresses as if I had listed them. My fiancée talked to her and she reluctantly agreed to pay for for them.

Fourth, my parents held an engagement party for us at their house. The process before was terrible as she was chastising me daily to send invitations. Then at the party she asked my mom for a tour of the house where she preceded to tell my mom that her house was bigger. This is extremely insulting. Kinda funny considering that my FMIL is a house wife and my mom is a doctor.

Fifth, she invited my FH’s brother’s girlfriend AND her parents to my nieces birthday party. While this would not usually be a big deal, it was my first time meeting my sister in law (she just moved close - my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years). Not to mention the brother is 17 years old, the girlfriend is 16 and they have only been dating for 4 months. She DID NOT invite my parents.

Sixth, and most importantly, my Futute father in law always makes comments about my race to me and purposefully tries to bait me into talking about politics. My FH is Caucasian and I am Hispanic. He always asks me how I am related to darker skin colored members of my family (I have paler skin).

I just needed to rant. I don’t know how to deal with them. They think they are entitled to all this wedding stuff but don’t throw a penny (despite being millionaires) and they paid for my fsil wedding!!! I have cried so many times over them because all I wanted was parent in laws that I could get along with.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Bloop, on November 11, 2018 at 9:50 PM

Master June 2016
Sarah · on November 2, 2018 at 3:59 PM
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1. No one needs to pay for your wedding except you and FH, no matter how well off they are.
2. When your FFIL makes comments on your race, does your FH tell him to stop? That’s a boundary he needs to set with his parents and it needs to be a hard boundary.
3. The nieces birthday party confuses me. How is this niece related to you? Is it your FH’s sister? If so, I don’t know why she’d invite your parents, and obviously she’d invite his brother.

I think your making mountains out of molehills for some of this stuff. She doesn’t have to like your dress. She shouldn’t have said anything to your mom about the size of her house as a comparison but her being a house wife isn’t relevant.
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VIP September 2019
Brae · on November 2, 2018 at 4:06 PM
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Okay. Since of these are valid, some are unfortunately not. No matter how rich they are and what they paid for in the past, you don't get to decide how the spend their money. It might seem unfair that they paid for your fsil's wedding and are not contributing to yours, but they have every right to do so. Another one that I don't think you should really be too upset about is the invites to the niece's party. Whoever is throwing the party gets to pick who is invited. Just like it bothered you when she wanted to invite her friends because it's not her wedding.

Now everything else, I understand and they seem like narcissistic people. I wouldn't share much of anything about the wedding with them because it sounds like a headache. Also with the race stuff, I would really talk to your fh about it, and he should say something to your ffil about it. I'm glad you guys didn't give into your fmil with the invites and making her pay for her guests is a good compromise imo. I hope it gets better, but to be honest it doesn't seem like it will. I think you should try to distance yourself from them. I also hope your fh is on the same page as you. Good luck.
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Mim · on November 2, 2018 at 4:19 PM
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No one is responsible for paying for your event other than the two of you. It's a lovely gift that your parents are helping. It's also a lovely gift for your in-laws to pay for the rehearsal dinner. It sounds like they have decided to follow an old tradition where the bride's family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

Now some of the other things are indeed obnoxious. Rather than getting annoyed with them over every irritation, choose the few that are actually important. Racist comments are obviously one of the issues to handle. I also think that your in-laws' demand for their guests is also one, and it was handled well.

I know that mixing different family norms is difficult. As long as the two of you present a unified front with both your families, you'll be able to handle a lot of the challenges that married life brings.
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Savvy August 2019
P · on November 2, 2018 at 4:30 PM
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For the nieces party she chose to invite my fiancé’s brothers girlfriend’s (of 4 months) parents and not my parents. I just feel like it’s a slap in the face. The gf’s parents are Caucasian and my parents are Hispanic. They have known my parents for a while now Andy just met this girls parents. Not to mention I am about to be their family member and in a way so are my parents.

For the dress what really bothers me is that she was upset because I did not go shopping with her in her state and instead went with my mom (they live 4 hours away from each other). She thought that I had to go with her and that she was entitled to that.
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Judith · on November 2, 2018 at 5:52 PM
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You are about to become a family member. Your parents are not and never will be related in any way to anyone but you, and FI. And like anyone hosting a party, they get to invite whom they like, with no special consideration of their son's fiancé's relatives, like your parents. That is rather like people who invite a MOH 's child to be in a wedding, suddenly finding his grandmother, aunt, and sister and brother expect to be invited, to see the little boy. When they have zip relationship with the couple. Your expectations is not realistic, so no matter what, you will be disappointed. The only thing I cannot figure: Your niece would be the daughter of your sister or brother. Which makes it strange they would have a party for her. Do you mean your FI's niece, daughter of one of your FI's sisters or brothers? The expectation you would want to shop with her, not your mom, was pretty unrealistic on her part. It may have been a well intended overture to you, not a bad thing. Except for the remarks FFIL makes on your family, nothing else here is anything ot of the usual. If she had the courtesy to tell you your dress looked good on you, just what is the problem with that? That you wanted her to gush all over you? As MOG her son should show her the venue, unless you have reason she cannot see it. Everything here except FFIL remarks is really innocuous. Quite ordinary. So why does she irritate you so much? If her house is bigger, then it is. It is not a contest. What difference does it make that she is a housewife and your mother is a doctor. Not a contest. You will make yourself crazy and angry if you interpret every harmless thing she says in a bad way. And you will be left with bitter memories. Try to look at the positive side of these things.
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Super May 2019
c · on November 2, 2018 at 10:14 PM
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Agree with all of this
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Champion December 2017
earias · on November 2, 2018 at 11:08 PM
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Exactly this.
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Super September 2018
Ingrid · on November 2, 2018 at 11:15 PM
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For the party, I wonder if she didn’t invite your mom because your mom is in a different state. She probably didn’t even think about it. The potential racism is the only thing in your OP I would worry about — have your FH defend you if any remarks are said in the future. All the other stuff should be let go. ESPECIALLY who’s paying for what. It’s traditional for the brides family to pay for the wedding. Even if you think this is an outdated tradition, you can’t expect people to give you money just because they have money.
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Dedicated June 2019
Erica · on November 3, 2018 at 11:17 AM
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It isn't anyone elses job to pay for your wedding, not even your parents. You and FH chose to get married, nobody else asked you to. Technically, the grooms family is only supposed to cover the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol so they're really doing what they're supposed to. They may have paid for your FSIL wedding if they're traditional and are going by the "father of the bride pays" thing.
As far as the race comments, I would definitely have your FH talk to his dad about that. That's completely unacceptable and not something you should have to be subjected to for the rest of your life. These people will be your family, you need to be comfortable around them so make sure that's sorted out before the wedding!
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Dedicated June 2019
Ellebt · on November 3, 2018 at 11:51 AM
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1. Like Erica said, the bride's family is supposed to pay for the wedding per the American tradition. Different traditions dictate different things, so to make it easier on ourselves, FH and I are paying for our whole wedding.

2. Your FH should try to show his parents the venue if his mom wants to see it. She said you would look good in your dress - I thought that was a nice thing to say? She crossed the line wanting you to go dress shopping with her and not your mom here, but it's a minor thing so try to let it go.

3. You guys solved this nicely!

4. She was jealous of your mom.

5. Slap in the face per the Asian culture since we have to send invites to show our respect to certain people regardless, but even so, if your FH's brother's girlfriend's live nearby and your parents live far away, then it could be justified in your MIL's favor.

6. Your FH needs to speak to his father about this. Completely unacceptable!
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Dedicated August 2019
Bloop · on November 11, 2018 at 9:50 PM
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God. What is up with grooms parents these days... first off lay down the line to your fiancé’s parents and stand your ground. They may not like it but they will have to get over it. It’s so weird how crazy grooms parents are these days about the brides wedding. do what you want it is after all ABOUT YOU! People forget that and it’s so sad.
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