Stevi
Beginner August 2021

Mother in law help

Stevi, on February 19, 2021 at 1:52 PM Posted in Planning 0 15
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Hi guys, I need help!!
i’m getting married in august and my fiancé’s family is very religious (father in law is a preacher) Anyways, my future mother in law is telling me not to have alcohol at the wedding and making it a very uncomfortable thing to talk about. my fiancé is in bootcamp right now, so i’m doing all the planning and can’t make him deal with it. what do i do? it’s not like i’m a heavy drinker or anything, but i feel like everyone else would have a better time if there is alcohol. what should i do??

15 Comments

Latest activity by Cassidy, on February 20, 2021 at 11:02 AM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    He needs to be consulted on this. This is your and his wedding, not mom's. Unless the reception is held at a house of worship, you can serve whatever you and fiance agree on. Are his paying for any of the wedding? If so, give their money back.

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  • SHY
    VIP January 2022
    SHY ·
    • Flag

    This is a decision that you and your FH have to make. When does he get back from boot camp? Is this a decision that needs to be made right now, or can it just wait till he gets back?

    If you and your FH have no problem with alcohol being served, and his parents aren't paying for your entire wedding, and you and FH want alcohol to be served, then serve it. If she doesn't want to drink, she doesn't have to. The same goes for your guests. If they want to drink, then they will and vice versa.

    This isn't your FMIL's wedding. I get that they're religious, but if it's just your FMIL making it a big deal, then I doubt ALL of your guests will be uncomfortable having alcohol served.

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  • Stevi
    Beginner August 2021
    Stevi ·
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    Thank you, it’s just hard not wanting to upset anyone.. and they are only paying a small amount so that’s not really a huge deal.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Even a penny that is paid by someone else gives them the unspoken "ok" to decide how the event is planned. If they have donated any money and are making these demands, you can do one of two things: give in to her wishes of no alcohol. Or give all the donated money back to them and pay on your own 100% if you want alcohol.

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  • Stevi
    Beginner August 2021
    Stevi ·
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    He gets out of bootcamp just a few weeks before the wedding, so that’s why i have to make the decision. it’s just that i’ve never had a problem with them until now, and his dad said he won’t marry us (which has always been the plan)if we do. Anyways, i don’t like being given an ultimatum for my own wedding, but don’t want to start anything between the two of us
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Is there any way to call him? You should not have to deal with ultimatums. Set up your boundaries now and maintain them. It's possible you may need to postpone the wedding.

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  • SHY
    VIP January 2022
    SHY ·
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    I mean you don't have to have alcohol to have fun, but are you and FH drinkers? Do most of your guests drink? A few weeks before the wedding honestly gives you enough time to decide and get drinks in order, depending on what your venue/vendors contracts say. Is there no way to contact him whatsoever?? Or are you just not wanting to bother him since he's there?

    If you do decide to serve alcohol, and his dad refuses to marry you, then you can ask someone else close to you to marry you by getting ordained online. You can check whether your state recognizes it legally or not.

    You could also just try and compromise and have alcohol during cocktail hour as signature drinks, then have a dry reception. I always disagree with the saying that anyone who pays gets a say. Yeah no...it's still not their day or their decision to make lol. From my experience with my mom, if you let them decide one thing, then they think they have free reign on the rest of the decision making for your wedding.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I agree with everyone else, it's not his parents wedding so it's not his parents say. Id talk with him on the phone about it and as long as you both agree with having alcohol then go for it.
    I'd give them the money back to if you both want the alcohol, like one said it doesn't matter if they give you a dollar towards the wedding or thousands of dollars anyone giving you any kind of financial help with the wedding will always think they are entitled to tell you how to run the show.

    Second if you don't start putting your foot down now with them then you will be forced to deal with their overbearing controlling ways all your life. They will try to dictate how your children are raised and so on and so forth. I've seen this happen with my brother and sister in law with my sister in laws grandma. Her grandmother helped out financially with the wedding and then told them who they could and couldn't invite, Told them what they were going to have for dinner, told them how she wanted the cake to look, even made my sister in law buy a dress she didn't like. And through out the whole wedding process my sister in law never put her foot down in fear of upsetting her grandmother, and guess what she regrets her wedding because she hated everything about it. She doesn't even talk to her grandma anymore because she had a falling out with her when the grandmother tried to control everything again when my brother and sister in law had kids.
    Give the money back, forget everyone elses opinion and plan the wedding you and your fiance truly want exactly the way you want it.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I agree with Michelle on this one!
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  • Samantha
    Rockstar October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    If you can, tell them you don’t need their contribution. Not in a mean way, just “don’t worry, we’ve got the cost covered, thanks!” and just repeat that, in a happy cheerful tone when they dig.


    If they are concerned about liquor, a wine and beer option may appease them. It’s not that you need drinks to have fun, it’s a pretty standard way to host a big event, serving drinks.
    They will push and push. Get a different officiant and tell him you totally understand, you respect him for his convictions, and maybe he could open or close with a prayer if he is ok with that. No one is going to be forced to drink.
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  • Nichole
    Beginner October 2021
    Nichole ·
    • Flag
    Jesus turned water into wine, didn’t He? 😊 But you also have to live with your husband’s family the day of the wedding and attitudes long thereafter. I would ask your fiancé what he thinks without bringing up the in-laws as to not put him in the middle. A simple, “ Honey, in regards to our reception... chicken or beef, pasta or potatoes, alcohol or no alcohol...” And what he says goes. After all, isn’t he head of the household in their eyes? 😉
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  • Alma
    Expert October 2020
    Alma ·
    • Flag
    If you want to serve it, serve it! Whoever doesn’t want to drink, doesn’t have to drink. I don’t understand why people want to dictate what others do! Please don’t try to please others. You can never please everyone with your choices.
    • Reply
  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
    • Flag
    If you're paying for the wedding, she doesn't get a say. Let her know you have noted her input and ignore.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    This is something you and FI must work out, before you say anything to them. Do they never go to any functions where alcohol is served, due to their religious belief? Leave ? Does FFIL refuse to perform weddings for anyone if there is any liquor at the wedding ? If that is their level of personal belief, I would think it would have been brought up by now. But FI needs to be in on any decision. I remember boot camp. And for all the lines to get email, US mail got through pronto. If they personally abstain from drinking, but frequently go to restaurants, relatives weddings or barbecues, or public affairs like Ball games, and dislike that drinks are served but do not leave, then you can expect that they will do that, if you and FI really care about having liquor enough to push back and say this is our wedding, our choice. . Or may go to the wedding but not the reception. If they always have insisted that anywhere they are be liquor free, you have long term decisions to make.
    I have been to many weddings with no liquor served, and as long as there are other good beverages, don't care. And it may be that the hosts cannot afford it, or some people are alcoholics who cannot be around liquor without giving in. Other times, it is a sincerely held belief, though Adventists, Latter Day Saints, and Muslims I am acquainted with all attend things but personally abstain. But the greatest single category of dry weddings I have gone to have been in public spaces like state or federal parks, or beaches, and no one stays home for lack of liquor. You need to know what your in-laws policy is over time, to find out if this is a control issue, or something FI has always accepted as part of their identity. Whatever decision you make, may affect 30 years of holidays, and have a profound effect on FI. For now, tell them you and FI will discuss it, and you would appreciate them not bringing it up again until you have. The least important issue is whether your guests would be happier with a drink in their hand.
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  • C
    Rockstar January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    You said they are paying for a small amount. Did they dictate what the money was for? You can always tell them the alcohol is being paid for by you and not with their money.
    If you want alcohol, give the money back and find a new officiant. Do not give Into their ultimatum. It’s not fair to you or your FH for them to do that.
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