Mother In Law Advice - Shower

Only people who are invited to the wedding should be invited to the bridal shower.

Is she paying for the shower along with your bridesmaids? If not then she doesn't have a say who is and isn't on the list.. plus if they aren't invited to the wedding they should NOT be invited to the shower. I know it can be uncomfortable and awkward sometimes but you just have to put your foot down and say no.

^^ Yup. If you aren't inviting them to the wedding, tell FMIL "Thank you for the idea, but we aren't inviting X to the wedding, so I don't want to offend them by inviting them to the shower. That seems gift grabby to me!"

I had to say it to my grandma and after I said it she backed off. Hopefully that helps!

Her cousins are invited to the wedding, since they were her family that was her age growing up. I didn't care so much about that, but about the shower invites. She also is inviting about 8 out of state cousins of my FH, that I'm not close with either. Neither is my FH. Plus, they all have been married in the past two years and I was never invited to theirs, but I was not offended by that at all.

Is it rude to tell her that if I don't know them, then they shouldn't be invited to my shower? I don't want it to look like I'm asking for gifts from strangers or from "just everyone".

I'm in the same boat as you with my mother - she thinks it's rude to exclude people from the shower who are invited to the wedding. I told her that I felt it was rude to ask for gifts from 130 people.

Can you ask her to maybe schedule a lunch with these cousins so you can meet them? A little celebratory lunch with no gifts?

Just tell her that you'd prefer your shower to be with people who know you and you are close with. But, if these ladies are invited to the wedding and your FMIL is helping to pay for the shower, I would just let her invite them.

Can you ask your FMIL to host a separate shower for her extended family? It's not uncommon to have multiple showers and many families see a bridal shower as a way to welcome a new family member.

I do agree that your BMs shouldn't be asked to host more guests than they are comfortable with.

My mother did ask her if she had anyone on her side to host a separate shower with her list and her response was

"Well, I don't host anything. Etiquette is to have your Bridesmaids throw a shower for both families so they can mingle. That's the point"

However, she is NOT paying for the shower, or at least hasn't offered to. She genuinely has no clue about what costs what. She gets sticker shock with EVERYTHING. She thought $1200 for flowers was absolutely bonkers and "when she got married her flowers cost $200"

I just hate being put in the middle, and I find myself catering to what SHE wants with this wedding more than what I want.

I would say something like, I understand you want to include all these people, and we'll be so excited to see them at the wedding, but my BM's can only accommodate x amount of people at the shower. Then, I'd see how much room there is after your list, and give her a number she can invite. (Also can totally relate- my MOH (sister) is planning a shower for me and she and my mom found a venue that can only accommodate 50. According to another friend who offered to help throw a shower, FMIL wants to invite 40! people (with my family and friends we were already at 30. Ummm, yeah no. Still trying to stay out of it and let everyone else figure it out.)

Just went through a similar situation! I first told mine the same thing Bemyguest suggested.

She then went around me and invited at least 6 people I'd never met before. Oh well. Better luck with yours!

If she's not contributing, tell her your bridesmaids simply can't afford it.

No is a complete sentence. Grow your bridal balls now.

These are great suggestions! I'm thinking that I'll tell her that they simply can't afford that many people.

My gut says that she'll still invite who she wants, but I'll let them deal with that one. You can never please everyone.

Thank you guys!

Hopefully she will back off once you show her you're firm on your "no", good luck!

Seeing your comment that's she's not paying and doesn't want to host on her own, my thought is too bad for her then. If you do what she wants, youre enabling her unintentionally rude behavior. "Sorry fmil, but I don't feel comfortable asking my bm to cover that expense" or "sorry, fmil - they didn't make the list"

If she's upset, too bad for her. She'll have to get over it. If she chooses to invite them still, that would be beyond rude and she can be the one to let them know they're not invited.

Plus, you need to stand your ground that she can't always get her way. You don't want a life of doing everything she wants, even if she's wrong

I have had a similar issue with my FMIL- there are some things that are worth the argument, and some that aren't. I would just choose your battles carefully. I wish that I had put my foot down more with my FMIL, so I agree that you should set boundaries, say no, and stick to it even if she does get a little upset. If you give in to everything, she will continue to repeat the same behaviors hoping you'll continue to give in.

This is where your FH needs to step in. It's his mother and you shouldn't have to be the "bad guy" or give in to her every whim. He needs to tell his mother that while you both love her enthusiasm and appreciate her input, the final decisions lie with you and him.

I also agree with other PPs that HE should tell her that the bridal shower is budgeted for "X" people and if she would like more people invited, she will have to cover the cost of those guests. Period.

The only people should be creating your guest list is you and your FH. You have to politely put your foot down somewhere or have FH talk to her. Nobody should be attending your wedding that you or FH don't know unless it's someone you invited has them as their date. I'm dealing with a little of same thing. It's our wedding and our decision period

Only those hosting can invite guests--to anything.