Mother Frustration - Help!

Is this type of reaction typical for her, or is it out of character? If it’s out of character, then I suspect the issue isn’t about the things she’s directly engaging on. Maybe she’s feeling vulnerable because her little girl is getting married, maybe it’s being up negative associations from her own wedding etc. If that might be the case, is that something you could have a supportive conversation about with her?

Other than that, if she keeps on being negative, then the best option is probably just to not involve her. Tell her what she needs to know so she can be there on the day, but don’t involve her in the planning. And I certainly wouldn’t take her dress shopping if she is going to ale the type of comments you describe. I know it may be disappointing not to have her involved in the way you’d like, but probably better no involvement than a stream of negativity.

1. Is she always a negative nelly or is this new?
2. Does she like your FH?
3. Does she get irritable when she’s worried? 4. Has she ever been involved in planning a large social event?5. Does she think you expect her to pay and she’s worried about the budget?
From my mom perspective, my oldest daughter is in a great relationship and I’d be super excited of she got married. My youngest, her boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do and I would be sad she was planning a wedding to him. So, if for whatever reason (real or imagined) she didn’t like him, that could be the root of it.
Giving your mom the benefit of the doubt, since I don’t know her, this sounds not so much about the details, but a deeper issue.
I’m getting married in Oct 2022 and for the first couple of months of planning we were throwing all kinds of random ideas at the wall, it was fun and hilarious. We saw inside photos of this really cool looking former rolling skating rink and got all excited about it and then drove to look at the outside and it was in this very yucky area between an empty storefront with boarded up windows and some sort of dry cleaning business that was closed and had black spray paint on the windows, and no parking. We had a good laugh!

Stop sharing details with her. You can take anyone you wish with you dress shopping: best friend, anyone supportive. I wouldn't include her in that if she is badmouthing your venue.

Nothing you can do about the shower unfortunately.

This post sounds like my mother in general..
We live in Illinois as well. My husbands family lives in Kansas. Our wedding will be in Kansas. She fought me on that.. Where ever you go someone will have to travel regardless.. if they care they will come.

For my bridal shower my mom fought my friends/bridesmaids on the location and decor (Tail to Veil theme) . My side of the family lives towards the south side of Chicago and my friends and I live northern Illinois.. 45 to an hour drive. I get it but every event I TRAVEL. Literally my mom and my aunt and one cousin came to my bridal shower. The rest were my friends.
This wedding is about you and your FH, no one really has input on how you want to decorate it. If you dont like those flowers or center pieces. Its little stuff we fight over. Im doing buffet she said its tacky and cheap. Guess what we are paying for everything so i can be cheap unless she wants to give me 9k for some food thats plated lol.
I wanted my dress fitting to be a good day. I did not tell her i went shopping. I bought my dress that day and i brought her in for a fake appointment. I let her pick out the dresses she liked and then i had my dress in the mix faked a omg this is it. Shes like.. oh.. really.. anyway i still got it.
Its alot of pulling teeth. But ive learned to grow some balls. Im a very submissive person though. So i always want everyone to be happy but you as a couple.. this is your day. Efff everyone else. If you need to talk message me i got lots of tea. 😆

I don't know if this is normal behavior for your mother, but if it isn't, try sitting her down and asking her why she's been acting out. Like Liza mentioned, she could be going through something since her daughter's getting married.

My mom and I don't agree on anything lol, and I had the same experience you've had with my own mom. She hated that we didn't want it to be black tie, no flower girls or ring bearers, buffet style dinner and not plated/served. It just got to the point where I didn't WANT to plan my wedding if that meant talking to her about it, so I told her I wasn't going to come to her about anything but her MOB dress lol. She couldn't come dress shopping with me since she lives in a different state, but she did facetime me. At the second shop, I ended up telling my MOH to find a way to hang up on her because she kept hating everything I tried on, didn't like that I didn't want a strapless dress, AND she started bringing her friends into the frame to tell them what they thought....

It can be really stressful including family in wedding planning. It may suck to not include her as much anymore, but I think you'll find that when you distance yourself from her and take her out of the process, you'll have a much better experience!

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1) She's usually negative but she always plays it off like she's joking.

2) She doesn't especially like him - and there really isn't a reason for it that I can see. Just he's not overly social and she badgers with questions about politics and makes rather unsavory comments about things (she has no filter) and that makes us uncomfortable. Everything is always someone else's fault, never hers. She was always controlling of everything growing up, and even that I've been moved out and living with my FH for 2 years now she still tries to control things. Her and my FH don't get along unless they need to, they'll be civil. They are just both stubborn.

3) She doesn't think I expect her to pay, she told me outright they would not be paying and I haven't asked - her and my father paid for their own wedding so its not that.

Just having a tough time because she is my mom and I love her its just difficult. I don't want to cut her out but she can be so toxic.

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Thanks Shelly! That helped me to feel better, its going to be hard but hopefully by the time I'm ready to dress shop in a few months I'll have made my peace about not including her, or we will have worked things out.

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Thanks Michelle,

I've been thinking about going with some friends, I want a positive experience!

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Sadly its very normal for her, thanks for the encouraging words and advice!

View Quoted Comment Yeah, it’s hard because you want this to be a really special time and she’s making it hard. I wish I had a magic answer.
As disappointing as it is, having super strong boundaries (that will probably make her mad, but that’s her choice) and not including her is probably the best you can do. :-(
In a role reversal, my adult daughters - we all are close and get along well - gave me a hard time about my dress and I said “OH MY GOD WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU CAN WEAR THIS DRESS” and we all laughed and it broke the tension. (They wanted me to wear a flowy cinderella dress and I said no LOL) Maybe a “ok mom, you can do that for your wedding” will snap her out of it.

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Based on that, I would definitely set up boundaries and cut off contact. No one needs that toxicity in their lives/relationships and unfortunately some parents are experts and need to have no contact whatsoever. Especially if she makes both of you uncomfortable and does not support your relationship with your fiance.

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It's really tough, I know! This is supposed to be a happy time for you two to bond, but if that isn't possible, you need to prioritize your mental and emotional health over her wants for the wedding. If things aren't better by the time you go dress shopping, just remember to have fun with it and remember that it's your wedding, so make it how YOU want it to be!

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Sorry you have to deal with this as well! I'm also submissive person but you're absolutely right eff everyone else! Its going to be tough to change my mindset I'm sure but I'll get there. My best friend and aunt (mom's sister) are SUPER supportive so that helps a little bit. Honestly that sounds like something I would do for dress shopping lmao. I might take her to the first appointment with my friend on facetime (since my friend is out of state - or maybe I can get her to come in and go with us) and then eventually go with other friends if that goes badly!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, the only real solution is to not share details with her. I was in a very very similar situation. It sucks. I was married in September but was just crying to my husband a couple days ago about how much it sucked that I couldn’t trust her enough to even show her photos of my dress before the day... I’m sorry. It sucks. Stop sharing information with her and you’ll save yourself some pain.

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Thanks for the advice Amanda, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope your wedding turned out beautifully.

View Quoted Comment It did! Let that be the takeaway! My husband kept reminding me that we were starting our family together and focus on that rather than some toxic family members we were born into. Wish you the best of luck!

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Thank you so much!! I'll keep that in mind!!

Awww I'm so sorry! Well, considering that this is how she is then I would just not share details. If she asks about wedding stuff just keep letting her know that it's being taken cared of. You don't need that negativity in your life!
My aunt is actually the exact same way towards her daughter. When my cousin was getting married in Hawaii she was being all sorts of crazy lol. She had her opinions about everything, nit picked certain things towards the wedding, etc. My parents and I even had to step in to try to reason with her, just so my cousin wasn't so stressed out. She also did some shady stuff as well, but it took everything in my cousin to not cut her out of her life for what she did.
I'm glad to know you do have support from others though!! Focus on that! Besides it's YOUR day! Not hers lol.

I'm sorry this sucks. I honestly would just stop sharing details unless she flat out asks.

Also, the only thing i'm on her side about is the shower. If she wants to throw you one, i think it's totally normal that she control the guest list to a point. If your FI's side of the family wants to be at a shower for you, they can throw one for you as well! Hope you work it out

I would stop including her-- her negative comments on everything isn't worth your sanity. /if she doesn't want to be supportive during this, she doesn't deserve to be included in any say.

Especially if she's not contributing financially