shannon.sv
Devoted July 2021

Mother driving me crazy!

shannon.sv, on June 8, 2020 at 2:27 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 10
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So we postponed our wedding reception to next April at the same venue. We decided to still get married on our original date, August 8, but found a new venue which is a gorgeous AirBNB! I was so relieved when we decided to postpone and just have a simple ceremony with our parents, siblings, and bridal party. My mother, however, is driving me crazy! She keeps trying to add things to the day like building an arch or decorating the entire house. I tell her "no" but her response is that we need to have some of those things. Today, she was upset that the photographer would only feel comfortable taking pictures outside and not inside due to COVID, which I totally understand! The ceremony was planned to be outside anyways.... I honestly just want to get married, that's all I care about! I don't want to have to worry about decorating....or un-decorating this house when we're supposed to be there for two days to relax and enjoy the time. Smiley ups

Is anyone else having similar problems?!

10 Comments

Latest activity by Nahnie2552, on June 22, 2020 at 12:09 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    What if you let her be in charge of something really specific for that day or just let her decorate one small part of the airbnb? i think mothers have good intentions but they just come off as overbearing sometimes

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  • Cassandra
    Dedicated October 2021
    Cassandra ·
    • Flag
    If she is anything like my mom she has been planning/dreaming of your wedding day and has a vision of what things are needed to be part of it to make the day special. Sounds like decor was the thing she most envisioned and now is not understanding that has been pushed back to the later reception. I second on giving her a task or project to direct her energy at. Also have a sit down with her and ask why she is pushing for these things that you feel are unneeded.
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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    Moms are great and awful all at once sometimes. It's totally normal. I would give her a very specific task so she doesn't become overbearing with all of it, as previously suggested. Maybe ask her to decorate an arch and let that be her thing, and her only thing. Then it's not in the house - it can just be brought there and brought out with no real effort to set up/take down like decorating the whole house would be.

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  • Kelsi
    Expert June 2020
    Kelsi ·
    • Flag
    I had a lot of the same issues for my wedding last Saturday and I don’t have much advice. I let my MIL decorate my house and do all that stuff for the post ceremony stuff she wanted. I didn’t want to start any drama with her over it. Our photographer did come to our house and do some front door photos for us just as a sign of the times post ceremony. I’m sorry. It’s really not fun trying to balance everyone’s opinions.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    Put your foot down with your mother. If you don't set boundaries now, she'll never recognize them later.

    It's your wedding, not hers, and there's a pandemic.

    Stop telling her things and if she pushes... "it's set, and I don't want to talk about the wedding anymore". Full stop.

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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    Likely, she is just worried that it won't "feel" like a wedding without those things, and doesn't want you to be disappointed. And she doesn't want your photographer to miss shots like those of you getting ready, because that's a thing that normally happens, and she doesn't want you to miss out on that.

    We eloped on our original date with just our parents and a few close friends. My mom had offered to make me a bouquet, but then felt like she didn't have enough flowers in her garden and was relieved when I told her I got one from a florist using a gift certificate my coworkers gave me. Earlier that week, I had wanted her to help me decorate the arbor at our venue but then decided against it because it felt overly complicated and she became fixated on it and kept insisting we do it and we got into a fight about it. My MIL bought us a cake without telling us because she was worried there wouldn't be one. Moms just want to have a part in the day somehow and want the day to feel special for their kids. Literally no one else went rogue at our elopement or insisted on things except for our moms.

    I suggest finding a really simple, inexpensive, uncomplicated task for your mother to do on her own and assigning it to her. If she wants a project set her up with one simple enough to not be too time consuming or expensive, or something that would disappoint you if it came out bad or didn't happen, but something she would feel proud of and that would keep her out of your hair. It could even be as simple as having her buy a glass marker and decorating your vehicle with "Just Married" messages.
    Make it very clear that you are not going to be involved, as you want to focus on other things, and if she insists you do it together that is the time to put your foot down and say "No, mom, this is my wedding. If I say that is not important then it's not and you have to let it go. If you want it done so badly do it on your own." Her intentions are probably really good, but yea, moms can tend to stress brides out!

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  • VIP August 2020
    ·
    • Flag
    I am! I have the same original date as you and a similar plan, although we're using my parents' house instead of an air bnb this year. There is so much drama (from a few people) over things that really don't matter. If your mom is paying for the majority of this event and/or will be playing host (and you have fairly similar tastes) the easiest thing would probably be to tell her that she can have the arch or ONE other thing, but that you don't want to talk about it. If you show up and there's an arch or some other decoration that you don't have to set up, take down, plan, or pay for, it'll probably be reasonably easy for you to ignore on your wedding day and it will save you 2 months of ridiculous conversations. If she's not hosting this event, or if she technically is, but you know that you'd get dragged into helping with her project(s), try to just keep reminding her (and yourself if you need to) that your and your fiancés opinions are the only ones that really matter here, and offer to work with her on something for your reception, which you can start talking about in the fall/winter.
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Dedicated June 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Stand strong - it's YOUR (and FH's) wedding. I went through this with my first wedding and I regret a lot from that day including my dress, etc. Do what you want, of course with respect. Give her something to focus on, put her in charge of something you need done but aren't really worried about how it gets done. Be true to you and FH.

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  • Anna R
    Dedicated August 2020
    Anna R ·
    • Flag

    I'm having a similar problem! We too had to postpone the reception (to February 2021) but are marrying on our original date (August 14 this year). My parents are devastated that I've chosen to save my ballgown for the reception, as I want to keep our ceremony this year small, intimate, and casual. They are upset that my ceremony is no longer going to look as they envisioned, with my dad walking me down the church aisle in THE gown. I was going to give in and just wear my ballgown (in August AND February), but I realized I might always regret not doing what I really wanted to do. So, I will wear a cute boho dress in August for the ceremony, and save the dramatic glam gown for the big party in February!

    ...my point is, stand firm and do what will make you happy. It is your day, and you always want to look back on it as something that YOU wanted, not what anyone else did. Keep saying no!

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  • Nahnie2552
    Dedicated October 2020
    Nahnie2552 ·
    • Flag

    Yes! Sometimes mothers have to have their way and I respect and honor that. Maybe give her some of her wants, especially if it's not going to impose on your space or wedding day satisfaction. So for example, if she wants to build an ark and she's physically building it and putting it up, then no problem. You may actually enjoy the ark on the actual day. It kinda reminds me of my mom; when I was a pre/teen, I did pageants. I didn't want all of the makeup, eyelashes and extra stuff sometimes. However, once I seen the photos I'd be so happy it looked great. Trust your mom wants to do something special and just let her have it.

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