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Perla
Beginner September 2021

Mother doesn’t agree

Perla, on September 14, 2020 at 11:56 PM Posted in Planning 0 15
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Hey guys! We had planned to get married 9/5/2021. However, with recent events we really want to tie the knot sooner. We called our venue but they still have restrictions on the amount of guests. I brought up the idea to my mom of having an intimate wedding where only immediate family and best friends (30 ppl total) attend the ceremony followed by a dinner in our backyard. I also presented the idea of then celebrating with everyone (110 guests) next yr on our anniversary. We’d send save the dates right away announcing we got married this year and that we want them to join us to celebrate our marriage next year. However, my mom did not agree as she says it’s double the expense, people’s feelings are going to be hurt and everyone is going to criticize especially bc we are inviting friends. She says either just invite immediate family, elope, or wait to have the big party. What do you guys think? Do you agree with mom? What do you guys think about my ideas?

15 Comments

Latest activity by Jana, on September 15, 2020 at 1:06 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    If you want to just get married this year then I would elope and then save your original date anyway for the big celebration with everyone
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    As someone who cut some family members in order to invite close friends to our 43 person wedding, I see your side and your mom’s side. My husband and I discussed this at length before invitations went out, and yes I’m sure some of our family did have opinions about not being invited, but it was our day and we did it the way we wanted to. We also don’t intend to do a bigger celebration/vow renewal either. Your mom is right that it could be a significant expense, backyard weddings can really add up if you need rentals, feeding 30+ people, etc. Do you have both celebrations in your budget? Ultimately, it’s your day, do what makes the two of you happy.
    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    For me personally, I wouldn’t ‘feel married’ without the big wedding. If this is something you want though, then you do what suits you.

    I will say though, I would hold off on planning the big party just yet. You might find once you’ve married that you don’t want to go through the expense of having a big party later on.

    In any event, if this is what you want, then your mum will just need to come on board.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    I say do whatever you and your FH want! It is your wedding, not hers.
    Best wishes!
    • Reply
  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
    • Flag
    Your wedding, your choice. Everyone else gets to make decisions when it's their turn but this time around, you and your fiance have final say on everything.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This.

    Also, this solution is very common right now, and anyone who gets offended because the state of the world forced your hand... is someone showing you their true colors.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    If you are depending on your mom to fund any of your wedding, or it is her back yard you are planning to use, she has a say in this scheduling. And your plan would need to include you picking up the whole cost, to make your plan work. But how you do things should be yours to decide, as it is your marriage, and if she is a guest and not providing money or the yard, she has no say.
    If I were you I would not send Saves, which might need to be changed or updated. Simply send a wedding announcement to all after your small wedding, and write that you are planning a large reception to celebrate in a year or when restrictions are lifted. Leave yourself flexibility about time, when it will work to reachedule.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    I don't agree with your mom but I also may be biased because that's what my fiance and I are doing. At the end of the day its your wedding, do what makes you and your fiance happy. You'll learn that through this wedding planning, not everyone will agree with what you decide!

    • Reply
  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
    • Flag
    I am in a somewhat similar situation, so I can see both sides of this.

    First, if your mom is paying, you are a bit stuck here. You probably should pick up the tab for the small celebration if that's what you decide. She is right that this will result in significant additional costs.

    Also, your mom is right that family will be offended. That doesn't mean you should make decisions on that basis, but it's a common belief among older people that family trumps friends. And it isn't always totally without merit--my best friend from college is such an important person to me, but my aunt watched me grow from a baby and took care of me everyday until I went to kindergarten. My best friend wasn't the one who supported my family when my sister was in the ICU. I might want my friend there, but I also know my family has always been and will always be my rock. I think it's understandable that your mom worries about this. I personally am choosing immediate family only for this reason.
    In the end, you and FH need to make a decision without your parents and then move forward with it. But you should consider who is paying and if you can afford what you want without them. And you should also think about what your mom said, while also feeling confident enough to disagree with it if that's where you and FH end up.
    • Reply
  • Cheryl
    Dedicated November 2021
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag

    Like others, I can see both sides, but in your case, I think it's a matter of the money. The saying "he who pays the piper calls the tune" comes to mind here. If you're paying for everything for both, you get to say what you want to do. If your mom is paying, however, she gets a say. So, without knowing who is paying for what, I would suggest, if you weren't planning to pay for the smaller, immediate celebration, maybe you can. If she was planning to help out -- or pay for -- the larger celebration, let her do that part and you and your hubs pitch in. You have a year to save up/pay for things. If it's all about the financials, talk to her and you both decide who can and will pay for what. Maybe that way, you can both get what you want.

    • Reply
  • Erin
    Expert May 2021
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Unless it's the parents house house and they don't want to host... then it's parents say... not the daughter's.

    • Reply
  • Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart
    Devoted August 2024
    Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart ·
    • Flag

    It's your wedding at the end of the day I get what your mom is saying but if you'd rather have a few best friends there over some family members that's your choice forget who will criticize and who may feel some type of way. I actually was thinking about doing the same thing at one point.

    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted October 2021
    Adrienne ·
    • Flag

    Many people are doing this right now, myself included. We live in one of the states that has the highest of restrictions, and only recently were we allowed to maybe increase our guest count a smidge more, but we are deciding not to and are moving forward with our 14 person count. We will have our big wedding next year where everyone can celebrate with us. We are actually going to do the ceremony (maybe vow renewal?) next year as well so that guests don't feel like they missed out on seeing that part, but we are doing it at a church, so budget wise the cost is pretty minimal to do two ceremonies.

    I am kinda considering not telling some of our more old-school/traditional relatives/friends that we got married this year, as they might not get it, like might not understand why we would have two weddings, but we are still gonna do it anyway. Do whatever will make you and FH happy Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Lorraine
    Dedicated January 2021
    Lorraine ·
    • Flag
    We’re having a very small wedding in January and maybe a big party in the spring. We only invited our parents and siblings and each of our best friend plus their spouse. It was either all the aunts and uncles or none of them and we talked to them and explained that financially we weren’t able to have a big wedding and everyone was fine.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    It doesn't sound like the Op is having it at the parents' house or asking parents to pay. Usually the couple pays themselves and makes the final decisions. Parents may be made aware of plans but don't get to make the choice as it is not their wedding.
    • Reply

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