Michaila
Dedicated November 2020

Money issues...

Michaila, on February 25, 2019 at 12:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 27
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So let me start by saying that I'm a teacher (para) so I made about $20k last year from my full time job (insert rant about teacher salaries in Arizona here and how I'm doing a teacher's job but paid as a para). My FH made about $24k last year from his full time job, so needless to say, trying to figure out how to pay for the wedding was a struggle - we're shooting for $5k or less.

My dad has Alzheimer's, so I can work as a caregiver for him to make a little extra money. I recently took on 8 hours a weekend watching him to put that towards our wedding. He and I were both going to donate plasma as well. I went in and tried, but my veins are too small, so I can't. He still hasn't gone in once. Between those two things, we figured we could cover our wedding.

He proposed without an engagement ring (as we'd discussed - I have a Claddagh ring I bought in Ireland 3 years ago that can be worn as an engagement ring and I'm very picky about jewelry so we decided we'd pick a "proper" sparkly ring later).

We started marriage prep for our October wedding in January and after our first meeting, we went out to lunch and stopped at a pawn shop. We found a beautiful princess cut solitaire ring, 1/5 carat, yellow gold, super sparkly and simple for $350 or so. Screaming deal. They let us put it on layaway and he put a small down payment on it (which basically covered taxes) and was planning to pay a little bit each month towards it.

He got his tax refund (about $500) right before Valentine's day and was planning to spend some of it to buy a used PS4 so he could play Kingdom Hearts 3. (again, a thing we discussed. He's gotten me into it and he found one for $160 used so I'm cool with that). Then he asked if I'd like it if he just spent the rest of it on my ring and get it sooner. I said that would be awesome. We met with this landlord the next day right by the pawn shop and were going to stop by but we were driving past at 5:28 and they closed at 5:30, so we decided to wait. I said he should stop by later and surprise me with the ring, since he hadn't really gotten to do that when he proposed.

A few weeks go by, he's talking about how he has more money than he knows what to do with and I'm getting worried that he didn't get the ring. He's debating whether or not to buy stuff from Gamestop because they have great sales and such. I have no problem with fun money and him buying games once in a while, but I haven't spent anything really at all this month on non-essentials (literally $20 of fun stuff for me). So I asked him he'd stopped by the pawn shop last Friday. He said he forgot - I mean, I believe him, I think he genuinely forgot the way he said it. But now he has no money in his budget because he spent it on something and I'm really disappointed.

He's also getting a break from the $140 a month he pays his grandma for his phone/car insurance ect. I want him to put the first $100 in savings and then everything else towards the wedding. He's decided to take this coding boot camp for about $150 a month that will help him get a job making $40k-$50k a year, which is great, but not helpful right now. I need to go back to school too...

I don't know what to do - I'm really stressed about this and he thinks he can just kiss my stress away, which is great for him since his love language is touch, but mine is acts of service (and he knows this) and he hasn't really been helping with any of the wedding stuff. I don't know...

27 Comments

  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I think you need to sit down and tell him exactly what you wrote in this post. That you’re disappointed that he used the money he deemed as “extra” to buy something else after saying he was going to put more toward the ring to get it sooner. The sooner you two learn to discuss budget/finances and stick to your plan the better. Financial strains can cause huge wedges in relationships if not discussed in real time.
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  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this! It seems like you are both dealing with a lot, and you deserve your beautiful ring.

    It sounds like your FH (like mine, lol) may just be a little bit forgetful and not prioritizing certain things (the ring, the wedding) because he doesn’t realize how important they are to you. Have you sat him down and explained how it makes you feel that you haven’t gotten your ring yet? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize how much of a priority it is to you!
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  • G
    Dedicated June 2020
    Gabby ·
    • Flag
    I'm kind of curious how they're able to pay you such a low salary as a teacher. I know teachers don't make a lot, but they make more than that in kentucky. I'm going to school to be a teacher and I'm curious.
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  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    • Flag
    I would just talk to him and tell him how you feel about the whole situation with the ring. From the sounds of it he may just not realize how much it meant to you that he take care of that then. I’m the same way and FH has definitely done this, so I sit him down and just rationally explain my thought process and ask what his is. That’s what works for us, not saying it will or won’t for you. Either way I hope everything works out for you and that he starts taking action to ease your stress!

    side note I fully support the KH3 investment. Such a good game!!!!! Finished the story and Unlocked the secret ending
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  • Caytlyn
    Champion November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    It sounds like you need to have a talk about priorities and the type of wedding you want. Is it important to you both to have the "traditional" wedding, or is the end result of marriage the main goal? Would a courthouse wedding be an option for the two of you? If you made a mutual decision to save as much as possible for the wedding, he needs to understand that that's more important than video games.

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  • Michaila
    Dedicated November 2020
    Michaila ·
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    Because I'm not a teacher. I'm a para. The kids have gym and library as specials and the gym teacher is certified but I am not, even though I have my provisional certificate and do the same amount of work and have the same responsibilities as the gym teacher. Trust me, I've been fighting this all year and have been job hunting all year. But I don't want to be a classroom teacher. I want to be a teacher librarian and get paid for the work I do...it's a mess...
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  • Michaila
    Dedicated November 2020
    Michaila ·
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    Thanks. I will try that.

    Side note: no spoilers! I just finished the first game and watched Roxas's story so I have a long way to go to get to KH3 😊
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  • Allie
    Rockstar August 2019
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I understand how you feel. My FH loves to improve his skills so he often buys courses off Udacity and Udemy so he can become a better programmer. He is still in school as well. But, I am a priority to him so he made sure the ring was taken care of. Just talk to him and see what's up. If your financial situation is really that tight, I can see why buying jewelry isn't a priority to him. Sometimes what is better for you "right now" will hurt you in the long run.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag

    IMO, this is beyond a wedding issue, this is a relationship issue. You are (admittedly) low income and instead of putting in the hard work like you do with saving and such, your FH thinks he doesn't have to do the same. IMO, it's not about the ring, or the ps4, or whatever. It's about the lack of respect he has for the sacrifices that you have made.

    I think you should both consider financial counseling as well as couple's counseling. Nip this in the bud.

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  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
    • Flag

    I'd sit him down, show him a budget and a timeline to buy such things and discuss. Break down how much each thing is going to cost (venue, catering, DJ, flowers, cake, decorations, gifts, your dress, his attire, etc, etc). The sooner you can buy things and know how much they will cost exactly, the better your budget becomes. You know where you can spend a little more or realize where you need to cut back. October isn't terribly far away and I'm not sure what you have/haven't bought yet. Weddings get expensive quickly and unexpected costs, higher costs, etc are something that I'm learning pop up when you don't want them. It's fine to have a little fun money and saving is hard.. Can he put off the boot camp until after the wedding and those expenses are taken care of first? Ideas for making money: clean out your house, sell anything you can part with. Babysit. Shipt.

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    My FH always has money for anything he want's to buy, but when it comes to the wedding he never has any. Therefore, we just decided to have him pay for the majority of our normal lives, and I pay for the wedding. That way I know the wedding stuff is getting done and paid, and he's able to see where his money is directly going (still gives him a sense of control over his own money). Maybe you can do this with your FH? Explain everything you just told us, and offer to let him take over the necessities (groceries, bills, gas, etc.) and you pay for the wedding stuff. That way each of you are contributing a fair share....it might just look a little different.

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  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
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    I agree with this as well. Fun money aside, if you want to have a wedding on a lower income it's super important to be on the same page with the money you spend and save. It doesn't sounds like your FH is as buttoned up with financing as you are since he chose to spend his extra money on video games rather than a lasting piece of jewelry for your wedding. It sounds like you are not fully on the same page and your FH might not realize how important things are to you and vice versa.

    Money issues can cause a huge strain in relationships, even years down the line. It's best to get on the same page early, especially on a tight budget. Good luck!

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  • Michaila
    Dedicated November 2020
    Michaila ·
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    We haven't moved in together yet. I still live with my parents, so we don't share any bills...
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  • L
    Devoted October 2019
    Liz ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this, you're not alone. Sounds like you just need to get everything out on the table, don't sugar-coat it.
    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    Depends the age. If someone is part time. I teach preschool and don’t make a ton.
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  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
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    Totally respect no spoilers! You won’t hear any from me! Smiley smile
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  • Allie
    Rockstar August 2019
    Allie ·
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    That's a great idea!

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  • WifeyPoo
    Devoted July 2019
    WifeyPoo ·
    • Flag

    If what matters to you is simply being married to the man you love, then in your current financial position, have a courthouse wedding, because that won't put a financial strain on your fledgling marriage. However, if you cannot deal with his spending habits, that's a bigger issue and one that needs to be worked out well before you walk down the aisle.

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  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like you guys should sit down and figure out finances to include savings. The way we do it is figure out all the combined bills like mortgage, insurance, gas etc and figured out how much half of that is so we direct deposit that into an account that cannot be used for anything outside of combined things. Then we each have an account where a certain amount is deposited for things like gas for the car and little things that we want individually. I budget $250 for myself every 2 weeks for my own money. the rest of my check goes into another account that I pay my own cc bills, car bill and daycare(my son is from a previous marriage) and then the rest is automatically put into a savings account. This way I know my budget each week and I never see the extra because I don't look at my savings account except when I pay bills. I started doing it this way a couple years ago and was able to build up an emergency fund for myself which has come in handy many times.

    If he's saying things like he has more money than he knows what to do with then just flat out tell him put it into a savings account. The minute he sees it as extra money it goes into stuff that isn't needed. Buying video games is fine but if you have a wedding coming up he needs to prioritize that. Video games can wait.

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Ohh, another option can be to extend your engagement and push back your wedding date. That will give y'all longer to pay for things.

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