Money Courtesy

My grandmother gave me 500$ toward the wedding. Neither my mother or father have helped at all. My FHs aunt paid 800$ of my dress and I paid the rest (long story but, she begged to). My FHs parents told us they wanted to take care of venue, food, and bar. I was with you, like that’s a ton of money and I felt so guilty bc my parents aren’t helping at all. His mom told me “this is my son, this is my memory as much as it is yours. I want this to be special”. That gave me piece of mind.

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Thank you for sharing your story. His parents are wonderful and mean well. At this point and time I can hope that we all come to a mutual understanding and agreement (especially if that means I need to be less stubborn).

My parents have always given us the same amount of money to my 3 sisters and I. I knew what to expect and appreciated it greatly. My FH parents also said they would be giving us money (to him) but I didn’t know how much and didn’t factor it into our budget but I let him handle money matters with his family. Just because people give you money doesn’t mean it becomes their wedding. Weddings are expensive especially if you want a honeymoon after (which is what we used the money his parents gave us for). Allow people to help, they want too- just like when you have kids you will want to help them if you can.

Coming from the parent perspective, if they offer to contribute then please accept their gift. If you truly want to pay for the wedding yourselves, then simply put the gift money aside to be used in the future. Your parents want to feel involved and gifting money is their way of showing support. Accept it with the love and kindness in which it is being offered.

Michelle’s FMIL stated it so eloquently. Let them contribute what they choose to and can afford to. They’re adults and can most likely figure that part out. However, if accepting it means you have to accommodate guests/vision/mandates you’re not comfortable with, then don’t.

It's totally fine to politely decline their offer. It is also fine to tell them you don't need as much from them as they offer. I.e. instead of cutting you a $5,000 check maybe just ask them to take care of the cake.

I declined the offer from my ffil for money for two reasons. One he doesn’t have much money and I don’t want to take what he has even though I know he doesn’t mind. My second reason is much more selfish. I want to plan it exactly how I want it and I don’t want anyone else having a say. With money typically comes opinions or guest list additions and I didn’t want any of that. If you aren’t comforstble with it tell them why be honest.

If his parents can afford it, why wouldn’t it be morally right to accept the money? I honestly don’t understand. I could understand if you were concerned that they would try to control your wedding, that’s a different story and would be a very valid reason to decline their offer. But I don’t see how accepting money could be considered immoral? It’s just a gift and will make them happy to give it to you. Personally, FH and I both have divorced parents and all four sets of parents are contributing to our wedding in a significant way, but I guess we are unusual because all our parents are fairly well off.

I get that it is always nice to spend someone else's money, but I strongly advise you to decline any offer from anyone. Things get tricky when someone else is paying and suddenly they get an opinion. It saves hurt feelings and drama to just say, "no thank you."

I'm a firm believer in not sweating what has not yet happened. Wait and see what they have to say. They may offer to host the RD. If so, do they want to plan the whole thing, making all the decisions, or let you do the planning and they just pay for it?

If they offer anything, Your FH can tell them that you will discuss it and get back to them. There is no need to make a decision right then and there. It will give you some time to decide if there are strings attached, how much control they want and how much control you are comfortable giving up.

If they genuinely want to contribute and aren’t going to start wanting to play a part in decisions, then I’d graciously accept. My parents gave us the same amount that they’d given my siblings and their only request was that I invite my godparents - who I’d already planned to invite anyway. DH’s parents were exactly the same. But if it looks like they’re going to want to be a big part of the planning, I’d turn it down.

Hi totally understandable. My mom is the only family i have fh family is huge.. His parents both passed a few yrs ago. We wanted no help from family either. We set our budget and began planning. Then had a problem i fell ill so lost my income. Then boss closed business so fh had no job. We canceled everything then his brother comes in for a family wedding and gives us a card. . we thought it was late xmas gift. By this time we were really in financial trouble.. . we open card and made us cry his brother and sister in law gave us a wedding gift .. We did not want to take the help.. In the end we accepted it and held on to it for last min things. . our day is fast approaching and we are beyond happy that our family wanted to help...

I would accept a check if one were offered--no strings. I would not accept an offer to pay for a particular aspect of the wedding b/c someone who pays for, say, the flowers controls the flowers.

I am the youngest and only girl out of five kids. I always knew that my parents would do what they could to help me pay for my wedding. As much as I don't want them going crazy over it, I also knew they would never take no for an answer. FI and I plan to do what we can to add on to what they have graciously offered us so that we can have the wedding we want. The best thing is that while my parents are paying for a rather large chunk, they aren't requesting anything special.

Now on the other hand if FMIL offered anything, we probably would decline it only because she just can't afford to do so. Her support is enough for us.

My oldest Sister is the complete opposite of me. Doesn't have many friends, doesn't like crowds and for her wedding she wanted a luncheon with 50 people, immediate family, Grandparetnts, Aunt's & Uncles, and a few close friends. My Mother and Father already knew my wedding would be nothing like that. My FH's family is half of the guest list! I have a small family, but we have a lot of friends so our guest list is 150 people. I knew the time would come where my parents would want to pay for the wedding. I felt so guilty that my wedding was going to be extravagant, and I knew my parents would pay for it if I had asked, but I didn't want to.

The time came and parents sat me and the FH down. They are old fashioned and fully believe that the Bride's parents pay for everything. After a 20 minute conversation I decided to take the reigns and firmly but politely say, I will only take what you paid for Alicia's (my sister) wedding. My mom said she spend $5000. I really had to fight for it, but we explained that although we appreciate the help so much, it would ultimately make us feel guilty if we had my parents pay for the whole wedding. We wanted to do this, together.

Basically what I'm saying is depending on the type of your family, if help is offered and you cant get them to budge, compromise. Ask them to pay for one thing. (the dress, the photographer, the venue) They're really doing this because your parents don't want you to start your new life out in debt, or broke. So if help is offered, take it. I can promise you they're not doing it to make you feel guilty, they just feel like its their "job" to help. Good Luck!

Truthfully, knowing me I would accept it as a gift. To me a gift is a gift with no strings attached. I would put money in separate account. Now....if In laws began making demands ala "Well we did give you that money" I would return it. I would - I just do not like it when a gift turns out to be NOT a gift, ya know?

I would be mellow and respectful about it, and definitely have fiance in on the conversation but yeah....too many headaches with emotions, money and a wedding.

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It's just my personal opinion, only basing it and judging it for my personal situation. His parents do have the money, but I hate it when people spend or give me money. I always have to have a sense of if they give me this much I must return the favor, so that is why It's hard for me to accept. Unlike your unique situation, not everyone is well off and comfortable taking money for their own use.

View Quoted Comment A separate account is a good idea, especially for the wedding in general. Fortunately we booked the venue, gave our estimate total, and booked a room that would only fit that amount of people. Plus they did provide a guest list, so if they want more people they should have added it prior.

I agree, way too many headaches. I still have a year and a half left!

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Kudos to sticking to what you want. My one step brother did get married before me, but I'm not sure if they even spent any money on their wedding and if they did how much. If I had a comparison such as you and your sister, I feel that I would have a similar mind set to you and it would be much easier. But thank you for advise and well wishes.

I am also a BIG fan of setting parameters and boundaries. It may seem uncomfortable but I would be very open: "So do you have expectations? Floral? Liquor? Decor?" Use the words you want but I am just a huge with expectations - nothing will send feelings downhill FASTER than hurt feelings over assumptions about money, especially an emotionally charged event like a wedding. If it seems uncomfortable now.........