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Dedicated November 2019

Momzilla

Olivia, on September 14, 2019 at 10:25 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17

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I love my mom. She has been a huge help planning everything and has some great ideas. BUT. (partial rant/advice needed. sorry its long)

She gets such an attitude and pushy and gets upset when something that isn't the way she assumed it would be, wanted it to be, or if numerous people are against what she's wanting or planning. She's going absolutely overboard and its causing her and my father to fight often. He and I know a lot of the things she wants for my wedding are nice ideas but we CAN'T afford them ($600 min for short fake hedges anyone?).

My dad has started getting more angry the longer this goes on. "I don't know where she thinks we'll get the money for what she wants." and "I'll be so glad when this is all over." Which upsets me because I don't like seeing them fight but I can't keep the peace either, it doesn't work a lot of the time.

I've been more gentle with my mom using common sense, reasoning, finding cheaper alternatives online for particularly good ideas, and being firm as needed. In the beginning we used to fight bad about these things but I learned better ways to deal with it and she's responded to it mostly.

Today we ran into one of the groomsmen and his fiance while we went to get my dad and uncle fitted for suits. My mom was so upset and giving BAD attitude because the shop, and others like it, are only showrooms and this location was smaller so they didn't have anything beyond the basic items to try on in white and black. My mother was appalled at this and kept demanding to know why this was so and making negative comments about it the entire time we were there. My dad, fiance, and I all told her she needed to just let it go. Groomsman's fiance was half shocked and half amused at how she was behaving (we're all good friends and she now actually saw what I would vent about). I was embarrassed. I offered to go to a different location that I knew had the colors she wanted to see in person. It all ended with her sulking in a chair and in a bad attitude the rest of the day with everyone.

Am I the only one to deal with these kinds of things? Does anyone else have a momzilla (or dadzilla)? How did you/are you handling it? Any advice?

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Olivia, on September 15, 2019 at 5:16 PM

VIP May 2020
Destiny · on September 14, 2019 at 10:34 PM
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Im kinda dealing with somthing similar but not quite... my mom has decided not to come to my wedding do to the fact that i stood up to her the other day with her snarky comments about my life choices and my fiance. i have just had to let it go and focus on other aspects yes its stressful but it is what it is. with ur mom i think ur probably handling it the best way that you can.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on September 14, 2019 at 10:58 PM
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I would only include her in things that actually effect her. She doesn't need to be there to get tuxes or anything like that so I think just not having her there would help relieve some of the stress. If she asks about it, I would just say you handled it already. Sometimes you have to put your foot down.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on September 15, 2019 at 8:12 AM
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Yes I have been, my mom and I had a big blow out fight last weekend. My mom gives me the silent treatment and sulks if she doesn't get her way. As of right now we are getting better, I think what I am going to do is only talk to her about the things that my parents are paying for which is catering and the venue.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on September 15, 2019 at 8:36 AM
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My mom began to be too much as well. And then she REFUSED to be a reader. We wanted her and my FILmto be readers as a kind of unity of the families coming together and she wouldn’t do it. This was one thing I was pretty adamant about and we didn’t have anyone else to read.
I practically cut her off. We went from talking almost every day to not talking at, for a month. Until she finally said she’d do it and she couldn’t believe I thought she wouldn’t. (This woman was NOT kidding when she said she wouldn’t)
After that she backed off. But, it also made me realize I didn’t need to run everything by her. They got a say on what they paid for and she gave an opinion on things I really needed them for. The last 3 months of wedding planning were pretty easy. Until the last week when she wanted to adjust my centerpieces. Then I had to flat out tell her I didn’t have the time or energy and she could find it and fix it if she wanted but to stop asking me about it. And she found what was needed to adjust them
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 11:58 AM
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You guys posting that your mom is asking about things are a little lucky. My mom doesn't tend to ask first because she knows I might say no. She tends to find an idea, find what she needs, get pricing and info (sometimes even contacting the person directly), and then waits to tell me but she has even on occasion moved forward with her idea WITHOUT telling me until its already completed and done. I know she means well but she goes way overboard sometimes...

We work in the same place, I'm just directly upstairs from her. So I come downstairs to visit her on my breaks and stuff. Every time I come down, if she's not working (its slow for her right now) then she's looking stuff up online for the bridal shower and wedding with a paper full of notes, prices, etc in front of her. I always try to inspect what she's found but she likes to hide things. The current thing I'm combatting is unnecessary things for the bridal shower that, while they would be cute, are unneeded costs that I know we (we all live together and pitch in money for rent, bills, etc) don't need to be wasting money on. She's fighting for a fabric flower backdrop in particular to put behind the food tables... -sigh-
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 12:02 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that but you at least put your foot down and hopefully she'll realize she just needs to be quiet and accept things as they are and change her mind. My parents learned early on I wouldn't stand for snarky comments about anything dealing with us and him, they now keep quiet with snarkiness but nicely bring up concerns and other things which I usually don't mind handling unless they're completely ridiculous and a cover up for wanting to say something snarky.

Also I might add as a side note: snarky is quite fun to both say and spell 😋
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 12:09 PM
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I'm sorry you had such a bad fight. Are you the only daughter too like I am? My mom, as I said in a previous post, jumps in feet first for a lot of things before I'm even dressed to swim sometimes. She's so excited but her excitement is causing her to do all these things, she wants to be immersed in everything even if just to watch and be present. Does it feel like your mom is the same?

I find it a little funny because at first my dad would get mad at ME when me and my mom would argue and fight a lot in the beginning. He would defend her and say I'm having an attitude and need to knock it off. Now my dad is siding with me the more he see's my mom going overboard. We're arguing together against her but I'm not as angry and usually have to take over the arguing alone so he doesn't get overly upset. He has a temper, I got mine from him, but I'm also way more level headed.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on September 15, 2019 at 2:21 PM
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Yes, I'm an only child so yes only daughter. And yes I feel the exact same way. My mom literally hired a minister without asking if it was ok. My FH and I aren't religious at all so we wanted someone who was non denominational. But after talking to him on the phone he seems nice.

My dad is the same too. My dad knows and acknowledges I am right but he knows my mom is overstepping. We literally just got back from lunch with and my FH got the silent treatment from my mom and she barely talked to us. Just mumbled under her breath. We didn't even talk about the wedding really just some stuff about engagement pictures this month.
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 2:51 PM
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We're having a family friend marry us, she knows and respects that we aren't religious at all. I don't think most of his family knows he's like that considering he went through most of that Catholic school thing to be able to marry in a church but never finished it. Thankfully he didn't because I feel like his mom would try to force him to use a church instead.

Seriously? No offense but that seems so childish. Is she still sulking from the weekend before or is it because of something else? I'm glad my mom doesn't mumble but she'll still sulk and only give one word answers and shut down to anyone trying to help or fix what's going on.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on September 15, 2019 at 3:01 PM
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Oh I know its childish. And to be honest I thought we were good. She texted me on the 12th seeming excited because we were exactly a year out from the wedding. My FH messaged her when the fight happened last weekend nothing rude or mean just being like your daughter is really upset right now. He feels like it's his fault that she was cold to us but it wasn't just me and my FH. She was that way to my dad too. So I'm not sure what happened. We use to talk on the phone at least 2 times a week now it's just texting once in awhile. I stood up for myself during the argument so I don't think she like that.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on September 15, 2019 at 4:03 PM
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this! I feel the best thing you can do is leave your mother out of wedding planning as much as possible. If she asks about something, let her know it's already been decided, but thank her for her input. Best of luck!
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 4:05 PM
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She might have remembered that and gotten mad all over again or something. You stood up for yourself and it was the right thing to do. I don't agree with people who think you should respect your elders, including your parents, if they have no respect for you. Once a child becomes an adult everything changes and the parents need to learn that just because they're a parent it doesn't mean they can be disrespectful while still demanding respect like when their kids were younger. They have to earn mutual respect from their adult kids, not demand and expect it.

Is it common for her to act out towards your fiance and dad too? Or was this a strange uncommon ocurrence for them?
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 4:08 PM
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I've tried but its difficult when you live together, work in the same place, and currently have to rely on someone for a vehicle She was a big support in the beginning of planning while my fiance was deployed overseas and she still is...she's just gone a little nuts with it the closer the wedding gets. Reminds me of the phrase chomping at the bit.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on September 15, 2019 at 4:10 PM
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My fiancee has never had it happen to him before since we got together. My dad you could say is use to it since they have been married for over 30 years. So I know my dad will get the silent treatment or mumbles from time to time.

I agree they also need to respect us not just us respecting elders. I'm glad that I am finally standing up for myself, I I usually just go with whatever but I want this wedding to be about myself and my FH.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on September 15, 2019 at 4:20 PM
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Oh, I see how that could be tricky! Have you had a heart-to-heart with your mom about this? Being open and honest about your frustrations is a good place to start, if you haven't already!
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 5:15 PM
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Yeah that's not really okay when its toward your fiance who never did anything. I totally get the dad thing, my parents have been married about the same amount of time and were together 6 years before that so they're used to each other moods.

Good for you hun. Don't forget to stand up for your beau too though, its one thing if its you or your dad, its another if its someone who hasn't even officially joined the family yet. That's a line that doesn't need to be crossed.
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Dedicated November 2019
Olivia · on September 15, 2019 at 5:16 PM
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Honestly I've lost counts about how many of those have been had "Mom I love you abd I appreciate all you do to help but X is not needed and we don't have the money to spend on it. Its a good idea but we just can't do it. Its only ONE day, yes its for me but its just one day, its okay if we don't have X."
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