My *brilliant* mother decided to go & tell my future mother in law something about my sister's in laws had money & paid for nearly their whole wedding (while they do have more money than my parents, they did NOT pay for "nearly everything"). My MIL has already paid for my dress, catering, plans on paying for linens, plates, flatware/silverware. MIL told my fiancé all this in confidence that now she feels like my mother intends for her to pay for everything & also comments that the amount of money we're spending, we could have made a down payment on a house.
I am so embaressed my mom even brought up my sister's in laws. They are none of my MIL's concern. I have no idea what context it was brought up in but regardless, it made her feel this way & she's been so gracious. I have no idea what to say to my mom, but would very much so like to put her in her place about that. & I'm angry & hurt about my MIL's financial help apparently coming with strings. We never asked for financial help. She kept saying "Well I don't want you to start out in debt". We HAD a plan & budget in which we would get no help - but they didn't like it & stepped in. I don't know what I can say to her to set boundaries about comments like those without biting the hand that's been feeding & seeming ungrateful.
Set boundaries and maintain them. Fiance needs to approach his mother to explain the situation. Your mother needs to restrained as well. Be clear that you have already made plans within your budget and you appreciate their concern but you are planning the wedding you want. Give the money back.
I’d start by talking to your fiancé. Are the two of you on the same page with the option of taking on the cost of the wedding independently? If so, as graciously as possible, thank your in laws for their generous offer but explain that you want to start your married life financially independent and take care of the cost of the wedding yourself. Next, your mom. I would explain how hurt you were that she went to your MIL without you and ask that she not do that in the future. Explain that you expect your conversations to be private and are not to be shared with others. I’d also be very careful with what you choose to share with her (although I understand that wasn’t really applicable in this scenario). Best of luck with everything I’m sorry you’re going through this!
I’d have a heart to heart with your MIL. She was probably shocked at the rudeness if your mother and defensive at the implication she wasn’t doing enough, and that bled into her conversation with your FH. And absolutely tell your mom she was way out of line, my jaw dropped when I read that. Even if they were millionaires your mother was so so rude to bring that up.