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May 2023

Mom wants me to invite unwanted guests to the wedding

Beth, on May 9, 2022 at 12:06 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 27

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So my mom has a brother (let’s call him Uncle Bob) was previously married to my dads sister (let’s call her Aunt Jane). Uncle Bob and aunt Jane have been divorced for a long time, but prior to that, and even a while after the divorce, our whole extended family has been very close (aunts uncles cousins etc). Uncle Bob has a second wife of about 10 years now. Second wife was nice to everyone at first, but was always very uncomfortable with aunt Jane being around, even though she’s close family. Over the years, second wife has gotten worse and worse, especially the past year or 2. She constantly starts fights with my mom and other family members, has said awful things, literally said “I hope they die” about one of my aunts. Uncle Bob obviously takes his wife’s side, and we don’t see them often now. Occasionally my mom hears from him, but it always ends in a fight. Since getting engaged this year, neither Uncle Bob or new wife have said congrats to me or my fiancé (haven’t heard from them myself in over a year, period.) I will probably still invite them to the wedding out of respect for them and my moms feelings (my mom has tried to make amends with my uncle several times, she’s still trying). New wife has 2 adult children, and one of them also has a wife who I never got along with, she was always snobby. I don’t plan on inviting new wife’s kids. I haven’t even seen them or spoke to them in 2-3 years. My fiancé and I only want close family and friends at the wedding. My mom keeps saying “I have to invite them, they’re my brothers step kids”. She gets very angry when I say I don’t want to invite them. It just feels like she’s making it about her and not respecting my feelings about the situation at all. Any advice?

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27 Comments

Latest activity by N, on June 9, 2022 at 7:28 AM

Rockstar May 2022
Jasmine S. · on May 9, 2022 at 12:27 PM
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Is she paying for the reception? If not, she gets no say. Stand your ground and invite who you want. This holds especially true for his adult steroids -- if they were YOUR step siblings, then it might make sense to invite them, but they're not your family in any way and you don't have to waste any more energy on them.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 12:35 PM
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My parents and fiancés parents are contributing to paying for the reception, but I don’t think this should make her feel entitled to invite people I clearly don’t want there. I even told her that my dad and her don’t have to help pay for it if it’s going to be this way, and she said it “isn’t about the money”. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to decline their contribution, because I feel like if you’re paying for part of your kids wedding, it should be a gift, you’re not buying control of the wedding planning. But I’m kind of worried that declining the money for this reason is going to make her really upset with me
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Rockstar October 2022
Paige · on May 9, 2022 at 1:24 PM
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I wouldn't invite them. It's gracious of your to invite your uncle and his new wife after all the issues it seems like they've caused, but new wife's kids aren't your blood relatives, and you should only invite people who you actually want to be there.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on May 9, 2022 at 1:40 PM
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Adult stepchildren of an uncle don't warrant an invitation, esp if you're not close.
Sounds like your mother will be angry with you either way, so decline her money and take control of your own wedding.
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Devoted April 2023
Lucy · on May 9, 2022 at 2:11 PM
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Stand your ground, say NO about anyone the two of you don't want there. Most people wouldn't invite uncle Bob and the new wife,my fiancé and I wouldn't for sure... you inviting them is already kind of you because you're doing it 'out of respect' but you don't want.
And yes you're right: "My parents and fiancés parents are contributing to paying for the reception, but I don’t think this should make her feel entitled to invite people I clearly don’t want there." Mom said "it's not about money" but she argues because of it... if you decline it, saying NO will be easier ,she will not argue as much and you will set a healthy and clear boundary with her.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 9, 2022 at 3:14 PM
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Eeeeh. Actually them paying for part of the reception does entitle them to certain things. Money comes with strings. You're welcome to say no to these guests, but it may end up with them pulling the funding.
If you want full say over everything, I would decline their money and plan the wedding you want.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:29 PM
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I don’t really care if they “pull the funding”; we can afford the wedding on our own, but they said they want to help pay because I am their only daughter. But I disagree that the money makes them entitled to anything, (manipulation, anyone??) if they know I feel very strongly about certain people and have good reasons for not wanting them there.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:30 PM
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Thank you, I find this really helpful ❤️
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:31 PM
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You make a really good point there. Thank you ❤️
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 9, 2022 at 3:35 PM
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You can disagree if you want, but we see it all the time here.
I'm not disputing your reasons and go ahead and try and put your foot down. I'm saying that they make the funding contingent on getting what they want.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:35 PM
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Also I feel like I’ve given my mom a say over quite a few things…asking a cousin to be a bridesmaid when I wasn’t really planning on it (she’s 7 years older and I didn’t think she’d really want to, I like her so it’s not a problem for me), avoiding the date I originally wanted because someone else in my family got married that day and ended up divorced and mom thought it would upset them, and oh right, inviting my uncle and his crazy wife when I don’t want to!
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Rockstar May 2022
Jasmine S. · on May 9, 2022 at 3:35 PM
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Another thing to consider: if you invite these step children, would they come? Sometimes it's safe to invite people you dislike if you know they won't show up...
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:37 PM
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Like I said, they can pull the funding if they want, I just think that’s really sad that parents would make their kids wedding more about money rather than respecting the wishes of the couple.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:37 PM
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They might come, they might not. It’s hard to say honestly. They might feel obligated?
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 9, 2022 at 3:38 PM
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OK, but what you think is fair and what your mom thinks is fair might be two different things, that's all I'm saying. From what you're describing, you've already been obliged to make quite a few compromises, and your mom might want more. Just giving the heads up. I'm not saying it's right, but it's reality.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 3:43 PM
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That’s fair, I see what you’re saying. It probably is reality. But they’re really not even threatening to not pay for it…again, not that it would make a difference to me, they’re my parents and I love them either way. Like I said earlier, when I tried to say “you guys don’t have to pay for it if it’s going to be this way”, my mom denied that it was about eve money at all. I think if I said “I don’t want you to pay and I’m not accepting your money”, her response would be the same. She’s just being very stubborn about wanting to invite these people and idk how to make her understand. That’s my real issue
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on May 9, 2022 at 3:50 PM
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Right. Well you can try and communicate with her. It's just easier if you're holding all the cards, and in this case, you're not. I hope it works out for you!
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on May 9, 2022 at 5:19 PM
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If they are contributing any money, they do get final say. If you want full control, pay for the wedding yourselves. At some point you have to set and maintain boundaries with consequences. If you don’t, she and others will dictate life decisions beyond the wedding involving you, fiancé, and any future children.

If she wants a family reunion, she can start a tradition of an annual picnic at another time.
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 5:38 PM
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Thank you!
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May 2023
Beth · on May 9, 2022 at 5:44 PM
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I won’t repeat what I said about the money, im sure you already saw that. Anyway, I’m the one mailing the invitations, and the step kids will not be receiving any, so, I get final say, actually. I wouldn’t say she’s dictated any of my life decisions so far, it’s just that sometimes I do what she wants and other times I don’t. I really don’t think it’s even about the money with her, she’s just more of a “do the right thing” and “keep the peace” type of person, and she thinks inviting her brothers step kids is the “right thing”.
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