Mom & Spending Guilt

I would stop sharing costs with her other than what she is spending - she doesn't have to know what's coming out of your pocket and where it's going.

From what I can tell from your moms perspective, it seems she is just looking out for you financially, she isn't trying to be mean. She doesn't see the chairs and the table settings as important to your day, even though you and your FH do. She is saying those things as a precaution and probably just wants you to spend your money where is most counts (in her opinon). Most people are not going to have to same priorities as the bride and groom, and while it is frustrating, it is YOUR DAY and no one else can tell you how to do it. Since you are using your own funds, I say go for it if it is important to you! However, maybe look into cheaper options for those items as a possible compromise to her concerns. A lot of times renting is more expensive than outright buying it, and then you can try to sell them for a profit afterwards. Good luck!

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You are not asking your mother to contribute anything additional, and are taking on those expenses yourself. Just because your mother is contributing to the wedding, doesn’t mean she has full authority over everything wedding related. It is nice that you are taking her thoughts and opinions into consideration. But, at the end of the day, this is YOUR wedding and you get to choose if you want to upgrade chairs and linens. I completely understand what she’s saying about feeling it is silly to spend extra money on something that is provided for free- my mother says the exact same things lol And while that may seem logical to an outsider, for the couple getting married it isn’t always about logic. It is about creating your dream wedding. And your dream wedding doesn’t include white linens and chairs 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had the same conversations with my mom at the beginning of planning. What worked best for me was just putting the money down on the things that I thought were important and she thought were “a little ridiculous“. I didn’t consult her about it – I just did it. Which gave her no option other than to be supportive, because the contract was already signed and the money was already gone.

I agree with your mom, but I'm frugal. If I were you, I would stop sharing info with her about things that will cost you money.

I agree with the previous people. While your mom is only looking out for you (as a mom I know where she’s coming from) this is your day. I wouldn’t tell her what you guys plan on spending for the extras. That’s between you & FH. However, shop around- there can be some pretty sweet deals out there!

You seem to be asking two questions here - "Why is my mom doing this?" and "Are we being silly?" so I will try to answer both of them.

Why does your mom care? - I have two thoughts on this. One is she thinks you're wasting money, the other is that she was hoping that her contribution would have been enough to cover the venue and the rentals and so she feels either pressured to contribute more or have her pride hurt. I'm guessing it's probably a bit of both

Should we spend thousands of dollars extra for upgrades? - Honestly, I vote no. I don't know what kind of chairs your venue has and which ones you want, but our choices were basically metal/plastic chairs for $1/each, wooden chairs for $3/each, or Chiavari chairs for $10/each. For 150 guests, that would be $1500 just on chairs. (We picked the $3 ones, which looked better than the metal but were still in the range of affordable)

I'm not saying you should pick the cheapest options for everything, but maybe try to find some middle-of-the-road options (like the $3 chairs). I wanted "real" silverware, so we are going to buy the cheap kind they have in diners from a restaurant supply store. Maybe you could use the white napkins but buy colored tablecloths, or vice versa (look on Linen Tablecloth and Facebook Marketplace for linens). I would skip the chargers.

It's your money so you are of course free to do what you want, but *jmo* if it's something your guests won't even notice, I would think twice about how necessary it is before shelling out $$$$ for it.

Before you turn down the white : Have you looked at runners, cloth or lace overlays, or squares on point over the basic white? Any color or fabric can be used , inexpensive, provided there is a properly absorbent, stain releasing tablecloth underneath ? Look before you turn down these functional pieces. Layering, with different colors, some prints, or laces , or textures, can be very attractive.

Both sides are valid. Sounds like she's looking out for you to not go into debt which alot of couples do. Plus many details like chairs, table settings and other decor only a bride in planning. Most of the brides when they come back say they weren't as important as they thought. But you know what your priorities are.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. I too think that your Mom may have thought that their contribution was enough and also saving you from having to dip into your savings. She may now feel that it's not good enough.

There's probably a few reasons Mom doesn't want you to have to pay out of pocket. One being that she wants you to be able to save your money for your future, which may not seem important now but it really is. The other thing is if those items are included and you don't use them that's a waste of her money. Once you decorate the tables and use lighting to your advantage no one will notice the white tablecloths.

I have to say as a guest of many weddings the chairs and linens are something I look at and think are important as well. I'm sorry you are getting guilt trips from your mom, but I think it is coming from a place of concern only in terms of budget. There could very easily be a different thing that she feels is important and would spend more on than you see as important. Share only what is needed and I wouldn't share what you and your FH plan on paying out of pocket yourselves. Have you asked the venue if there is an option to have better quality chairs and linens? My mom said she didn't care what it costs the linens will be really nice quality, so if its not in my budget she is going to make it happen. Good thing my mom and I are on the same page with some of these kinds of things. Good luck to you and I'm sure your mom is not trying to make you feel bad, just wants you to think about it as wedding expenses could get out of control real quick.

Hello,

I am in a similar situation as yourself and I totally get it. I can understand mom's side about wanting you to save your money and possibly being concerned about your finances. I can also see your side of it since it's not like you are asking her for more money. I'm going to take the advice of the other poster as you should too. Whatever your mom is not helping you pay for then maybe keep those prices to yourself. When I go dress shopping finally I'm keeping my budget between and my consultant because I don't have time to be judged on how much I want to spend unless my parents decide to pay.

If you are paying for the extras then why even bother sharing that with your mom? She really does not need to know what you and your FH spend your money on.

View Quoted Comment

As a mom, I think Tiger Bride raises really good points to consider, both about why your mom may be taking this approach and about the choices you ultimately make. And, she's right that you've asked two very different questions.

Yes, as the B&G, I think wedding choices should be yours to make. If you have the money and are in an otherwise good financial position, you are certainly free to spend money on whatever you want to. However, if you could legitimately put that money toward something that's potentially a higher priority (e.g., building up long-term or emergency savings, your future living situation, etc.), then I'd think about what those decor items are really worth to the two of YOU compared with other uses of the money. I get having a "wedding vision," but at the same time, if you go back and read BAM posts, one of the common themes is "don't waste time and money on details that won't matter to anyone, including you." One "bright side" (if there is one...) of the pandemic is that most BAMs these days have a message of, "our wedding ended up being smaller/simpler/much different/etc. than we originally planned, but it was perfect." This is really about your priorities. If spending additional money on "extras" is what you truly want, then do it. But in most cases, I don't think it will have any or much impact on your guests, and it's possible in the future, with hindsight, you might wish you made other choices. Maybe that's what your mom is encouraging you to consider. Good luck!