Mom Refuses to Listen

Is there a specific reason you don't want one?

Wow. I have no idea what you can do besides expressing that you don't want one. Maybe she thinks you're just being humble/modest? She clearly just wants you to be happy, maybe she just hasn't gotten the message yet.

Any reason in particular that you don't want one? If you just don't want the gifts, perhaps she can throw a luncheon instead in your honor. Just an idea!

@Vicki I have pretty bad anxiety & she only wants to invite people she knows (her friends & family that I"m not at all close to). She's using it as an excuse to throw a party for herself disguised as a BS for me.

So let her throw the party. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and make momma happy. You only get one mom. Wasting a couple hours appeasing her won't hurt anything.

Just make her happy. Have her throw it.

@Alana when you have really bad anxiety, an unnecessary party is the last thing I want...

She doesn't seem to care about my happiness, so I'm not inclined to consider hers regarding this bridal shower.

Honestly? If she goes against your wishes, don't go. I know it sounds harsh, but it's what I'd do.

So it sounds like she won't compromise with a small one for just the people you approve of?

Mine was last weekend and I dreaded it. My sister was the one who pushed me into it. I had to make clear that I didn't want any shower games or any formalities. And I required a constantly full glass of Sangria. I don't have bad social anxiety, but I am uncomfortable being center of attention and don't always know how to interact in large groups.

I had a good time though. Sangria helps.

@bemyguest that was my first thought - but she made it sound like I could just come over one day and Surprise! there's a party going on. We live near each other and I'm at her house often and vice versa so I'm pretty worried about it

@OP I'm sorry to hear that. Aside from anxiety, if the people she wants to invite aren't invited to the wedding , that's not okay.

On the anxiety side of things, have you communicated this to her? What's your plan come wedding time when the anxiety really kicks in? I'm really sorry that you're having those feelings. That sucks.

It also sucks that your mom can't see that she would be contributing to that by forcing the event. Can you compromise with her and ask that the guest list be VERY limited and request that it's absolutely not be planned as a surprise. I hate surprises myself. I know the date of my shower for this reason.

OP I'd leave. Like turn the fuck around and drive home. That would piss me off and probably send me into an anxiety attack.

If she won't compromise or listen to you I really think you just gotta choose what you want to do. If she invites you then don't show up.

If you have that much anxiety how are you going to be the center of attention at your wedding? I honestly didn't want a bridal shower either and my mom threw me one a few weeks ago and we had so much fun. I would just go with it. It made me less nervous about the wedding too.

@andrea I had a lot of champagne that morning and did a first look. My brother happened to be sitting next to me on the alter and distracted me during the ceremony. At the reception, I was really no longer the center of attention.

I cannot stand being the center of attention, but this was something I wanted, so it was different, which makes no sense but to me it does.

I don't know the level of your anxiety condition, nor do I know how severe your anxiety reactions are. I know panic attacks can be awful, terrifying, lengthy episodes (even when you've had them before and know that they will eventually end). If you suffer severely, then I don't know why your mother would insist on putting you in a position that has the potential to bring you to that level of discomfort. Have you talked to her about how serious you are -- not an argument where she ends up furious, but a "Please mom, I need you to really hear me on this..." type of discussion?

I make it a habit to listen to people who tell me they don't want to be the center of attention, even if an upcoming event in their lives warrants a celebration, and even if it's disappointing to scrap the plans. I think it's only fair to honor people's wishes when the event is completely optional.

I'm a little concerned about your belief that this proposed shower is, in your opinion, a way for her to have a party for herself. Are you absolutely sure about that?

For me, it really depends how strongly you feel about it and your relationship with your mother.

For some people, they might just be overly excited and want to celebrate, but for other certain personality types, this is a power play. Only you can tell which one your mother is. But I am ALL about boundaries. When a grown adult tells you NO and means it, you respect that. Showing up anyways after being told NO and assuming they can overpower you using fear/obligation/guilt to submit to their will because they're already there is a huge manipulation tactic and giant fuck you in my book. I would tell her NO, very firmly. If she did it anyway, I would not attend. I might even send out a text or email to other family members to let them know that any event that is being thrown for me is unwanted, was done to directly challenge my wishes and please do not show up as I will not be in attendance. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, sit your mother down and tell her this is serious. You will NOT go and she is the one driving the wedge between her. Make it very clear.

I have a real piece of work for an MIL and she needs to have very strict boundaries and consequences if she wants to have a relationship with us. Especially if like in this situation, she is acting out of a need for control, not out of kindness.

@Nikki - anytime you see more cars than usual near her house neighborhood, just drive on by and don't stop.

Make her happy to shut her up cause if you don't you'll never hear the end of it

I don't have any advice, but I can say I totally understand the anxiety thing. I've had anxiety and panic attacks my entire life and I hate being the center of attention. I'd be upset if someone threw me a party when I clearly said no too. Maybe try telling her that you really don't want to have a shower due to your increased anxiety or you could compromise and have a shower but tell her you get to choose who comes?

So my mom did the same thing. I hate being the center of attention and really didn't want a shower and absolutely dreaded it. But I actually had a great time! They didn't do any games that put me as the center of attention and they didn't make me open gifts in front of people. It was mainly just hanging out with my mom's friends and my friends. I think you should suck it up like I did. You could end up having an awesome time!