Mom of Bride and a difficult Groom

It's very generous of you to give them money for the wedding and also for hosting a shower for them. However, from my experience, the host/hostess usually asks the guest(s) of honour (in this case the bride and groom) for a list of the people they want to invite to the shower as a shower is really for people who are close and dear to them and not everyone who is invited to the wedding. Also anyone invited to wedding related parties/activities should also be invited to the wedding.

"I explained that the purpose of a shower was to get as many people as possible in order to help them start their new home." No, the purpose of a shower is to celebrate with the bride and groom's nearest and dearest and be showered by those people with the items they need to start their new married life together. It's not a grab-all. You really should have vetted the guest list with both of the guests of honor before you sent out invitations, and taken their preference for the size of the event into consideration. This isn't a small decision that he shouldn't have been concerned about. I hope at the very least everyone invited to the shower is also invited to the wedding ceremony and reception themselves.

Also, I find your attitude towards and description of your SIL off-putting.

Why don't you simply give them the check and let them plan their own wedding? Then you don't have to deal with his reticence to make decisions anymore. My fiance and I are planning our wedding together and it has taught us so much and brought us closer as a couple. I would give that same gift of growing together to your daughter and SIL.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. It’s not your job to plan their wedding but it sounds like you’ve made it that way. Now you’re upset that they aren’t doing it your way. Give them some money, help them hire a professional planner and start looking at dresses for the day. Focus on the shower but know that the point isn’t to have as many people there as possible.

View Quoted Comment Agreed! I think it's time to step back and let them plan.

I hear you MOB,, but I'm also a wedding planner so I see a lot of this in general. May I suggest no longer having any sort of wedding convo if he's not there? I would tell my daughter that you want everything to be perfect for them so it's best that everyone is on the same page all of the time etc. Say it in a kind way and either she will ensure he is around to be apart of convos or she will gently tell him to be a little nicer and knock it off so plans can finalize. I too would be upset if my future son in law seemed put out about all of my effort, time, and money. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I also don't think I would cut them a check as other posters have suggested. Personally if I'm laying thousands of dollars on the line I expect a say in things, I think most people do. I have to imagine as the parent with the purse strings it is difficult to see them shrugging at every question and stalling the process.

For the shower? That ship has passed and everything isn't going to go exactly his way if he isn't paying. Running the list by them would have been nice but I'm sure they didn't ask you how many people can you comfortably $$$ host either...

One mom to another, you sound ridiculous. It's very kind of you to pay for the wedding. Cut them a check and back away. It's ok to have a few strings attached (certain people to be invited, follow basic etiquette, etc) but other than that, back away. If they are adult enough to be married, they are adult enough to plan a wedding. If you aren't comfortable with how they might spend the money, don't give it to them.

Also, I agree with your fsil, showers should be small. Also, once they have received and thanked guests for any gifts, they are free to do whatever they want with them. Let them live their own lives.

Stop being a helicopter mom. Give them access to the money, if you are still willing and then back away. Let them take over. If it gets done, great. If it doesn't, their problem.

My mom threw me a bridal shower. She asked me to send her a guest list and I did. The only surprise at that point was who was going to be able to make it. I had a wonderful time! Had she done it your way, I would have felt incredibly overwhelmed. It sounds like you're more of an extrovert which certainly makes it harder to relate to introverts but I can tell you that you're overwhelming him and possibly your daughter too. This is THEIR wedding. Unless they've asked you to plan it for them, you need to take a step back and wait to be asked for help in planning.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this!

I know as a mom you want to help but it sounds like your daughter & SIL have some growing up to do. Planning a wedding is the 1st big project in communication. Let them grow from this.

I agree with the other PPs. You are way too involved in the planning and should step back to let them plan together. It sounds like neither of them feel comfortable telling you this. Also, the shower should only include the couple's nearest and dearest friends and family. Your view of it is not correct and doesn't take your SIL's feelings into consideration. His feelings should be respected and it doesn't sound like you respect him at all.

Ok let me say this....yes many people are calling you a helicopter parent etc. funny how many do not have adult children. Until you are in her shoes you do not how you are going to react. I totally get you. I am helping my youngest and her FH which are let’s just say indecisive. As a parent you want your children to have their dream wedding. This is supposed to happen only once. In my case my youngest was married to a real gem. She had a really rough time, had two children whom he does not see, so I want her to have her dream. My FSIL was I a relationship and has 2 children who do not see their mother as she has decide her life doesn’t include them. I want to give them the world as the both truly deserve it. I get what you are doing. It’s easy for someone who has not raised a child, watched them struggle, and finally are happy to understand why we are invested so deeply. Most people will tell you to cut a check, keep your mouth shut, and let them do it. They don’t understand that first they don’t know what they are doing, do not wish to learn, won’t make a decision, are totally overwhelmed with everything else in their life, and all you want to do is HELP! Not everyone has the ability nor the want to plan a wedding. Obviously those who do are on here asking question and researching issues. They also are bouncing ideas off of friends and family. In your situation obviously they want your help. If they didn’t then there would have already been a discussion about you not making decisions, not researching, not helping. You did ask for a guest list. He brought up the fact that not all of his family could go to that one and you offered to invite them to this one. You did what he asked. Not he is upset as to what....you didn’t grovel, ask him for a hand written guest list of who exactly he wanted. If I read correctly he wanted family that would not attend the other. In addition, you are contributing to the wedding so you do have a say. You are only trying to help but those who haven’t been in this position see it as taking over. I am sure you discussed who to invite and what all it entailed. My thoughts are he is acting this way as on one hand he wants to be in charge, make all the decisions, be the man but on the other he is lost, confused, and doesn’t know what to do. I would recommend sitting down with both of them. Explain that you are there to help and you certainly do not what to harm your relationship with either of them. Explain how you feel. Explain that you spoke to him regarding the guest list and he wanted his family to be invited. Tell him how you feel when he sulks, pouts, and becomes passive aggressive because things go differently then he imagined after you discussed it. Offer to ensure that all of you are on the same page without moving forward however once an agreement has been made the issue has been decide and things move forward. Ask him exactly what he wants for the wedding. What does he see as his perfect day. Tux, suit, jeans, barn, hotel, beach. Guests, many or few. Ask your daughter the same. It could be that they are not seeing eye to eye or making decisions and then he feels he is not being heard with you so he is frustrated also. I know from experience that you are only trying to help and want them to have the wedding of their dreams. Please remember that the wedding planning process is just a small blip in their life so it will be done and over in just a sec. it will be ok....keep doing your mom thing, make sure you talk to both and ensure that both points of view are being heard, and when making decisions ensure that both of them are on the same page before moving forward.

View Quoted Comment I'm going to be honest, I didn't finish reading your very long post. With that said, I responded to the OP as a mom of adult children. I found her attitude to be ridiculous. I'll say it again, if our kids are adult enough to get married, they are adult enough to plan their event. It's ok to offer a monetary gift to help pay for the event and to have a few strings (must have invitations, follow etiquette for example), but trying to control nearly every aspect is foolish.

We want good things for our children, that's a part of being a loving parent. Trying to control their adult events is counterproductive to the growth of our relationships with them. A wedding is for a day. Our relationships with them will last beyond that day. Guarding that relationship is far more important than trying to push our idea of a perfect day of celebration.

I think that the sil and daughter have been asking her for help and this is her way of helping (1) so let's not all jump on the mob...2ndly, they gave the list for the shower if they both happen to come from large families she cant then only just have his family and not hers and their friends which is what it sounds like he wanted. He sounds like he wants to come off like they are well off but they obviously need these starter items or they wouldnt have registered for them. What MOB needs to do is allow them to make these mistakes, let him give them away and dont you replace them. He sounds like a piece of work.

View Quoted Comment How did you get he wants to come off as well off?
A lot of people donate to charity and it has nothing to do with being rich. You're assuming too much.

I honestly dont care what he does,he can do what he wants,I was stating my opinion based off the post