Olivia
Dedicated October 2019

Mom not interested in really participating.... Long read

Olivia, on September 23, 2019 at 5:53 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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So, let me start by saying that my parents are... well, not really emotional people when it comes to me, but are when it comes to my two siblings. I'm my mom's step daughter, my real mom passed away in a car accident 2 years ago.

When my fiance and I first got engaged, my step mom acted like she was excited and wanted to take part in things. but every time I've asked for her to participate, she's not interested or too busy. That hurt, but because she was acting excited still, I didn't let it bother me too much. Now, with the wedding 3 weeks away, she's started actively distancing herself from things. she went to the bridal shower and kept saying passive aggressive things the entire time, made it known to everyone that she wasn't wanting me and my FH to go on a honeymoon and instead wanted us to save money.

~ Some back story - we have a decent savings account and are paying for our own wedding. Recently our car was rear ended by someone while FH was at a stoplight, and we asked for a mini loan (2k) that they had offered so we didn't have to worry about the "just in case" issues that pop up with a wedding, and told them we would pay it back after the wedding if nothing big happened, and after january if something did happen. We would pay 100/mo up until the wedding as well. they told us to finance for 2k and that they decided to not help us, even though previously they had offered to help if we needed it, and told my FH to get a second job if we couldn't afford to buy the car. you know, RIGHT BEFORE A WEDDING. we ended up swinging it and still have a decent amount left, and since then she's been turning her nose up at ANY purchase we make. It's like she's mad we didn't have to finance.

She's also declined getting ready with us, declined hair and makeup that I was providing for her, declined a getting ready robe and told me that they're really on a budget with how much they can spend on dad's suit, my sister's shoes, and my brother's outfit. (my parents are VERY well off. like, just bought my sister a pair of $800 shoes for her to wear on the 1st day of high school well off) - Again, I told my dad the suit he had was fine. My step mom ASKED ME if my brother could be an usher, and my sister's dress was 150, and I told her she could just borrow my shoes. I'm at a loss here... I keep trying to include her and she keeps pushing away. Keeps telling me she doesn't like my decisions, and doesn't seem interested at ALL in being a part of the day. She's the only mom I have left and I just don't know what to do at this point. I've tried talking to her about it and she pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I just can't figure out how I've offended her. She was pretty horrible to me in high school when I moved in, and I worked hard to move past that and forgive so we could have a good relationship and I thought we'd gotten there... but now it's all slipping again.

idk. I want my wedding day to be happy and I wanted her to help me into my dress and be there as my mom for my wedding, but at this rate, I just really wish my mom was still here.

12 Comments

  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    Sorry this is difficult for you. From what you posted, it sounds like money is at the root of the problem. She may be thinking since you came to them for a loan that you don't really have the money to do all these extra things for your wedding and then also take a honeymoon. Sounds valid. It also sounds like they may be trying to budget themselves based on the feedback she gave you. I wouldn't read too much into it and just focus on your wedding. Keep trying to have a good relationship with her and hopefully once the stress of the wedding passes over you'll be back to normal again.

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  • Laura
    Rockstar November 2019
    Laura ·
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    I think you’re expecting something of her that she just can’t do-act like she’s your mom. She’s not, and she’s apparently not interested in acting like it for your wedding. I’m so sorry this is happening, it’s awful for you to be missing that mother figure right now. My mom is still here but just plain not interested; it sucks. But I didn’t really expect different given her behavior over the years.
    She’s not gonna change, so you’ll have to. Change your mindset, anyway, and let go of your hopes of her acting like a mom in any way. Mourn the absence of your mother; I think that’s hurting you at least as much as your step-mother’s behavior.
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  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
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    If I were on fire, my stepmother would not pee on me to put out the fire. I deal with my dad, and accept whatever he is willing to do. My MIL treats me like the daughter she never had, thank god

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  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle Online ·
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    My mom wasn't actually that interested in participating either, so don't take it too personally Smiley sad i mean it's hard not to, but i guess sometimes some people also aren't very interested in general in these kind of things. focus on who is supporting you and being there for you. hopefully your relationship with her overtime gets better but for now, you definitely have been gracious

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  • Ashley
    Dedicated August 2020
    Ashley ·
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    My heart hurts for you. My mom passed away a little over a year ago so I know the feeling of wishing your mom was there for you on your wedding day.

    Going off what you said, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong but for whatever reason something seems to be bothering her. If she doesn't want to discuss it with you, I feel like you may have to move on without reaching a solution. I know you want your wedding day to be happy and have her be there as a mom, but you might have to let that idea go. Just focus on your day and hopefully after the wedding you can get back to a good place with her.

    Good luck!

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  • Nicole
    Super September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    I'm so sorry youre going through this and that you don't have your mom on your wedding day Smiley heart Is your FMIL involved at all with planning? Unfortunately, I think you will have to lower your expectations of your step-mom because she keeps letting you down :/

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    They offered up to 4k about 5 times before we finally said we would like to borrow 2k, then they decided against giving it to us last minute. They know more about our finances than is honestly appropriate (because of the wedding stress I've been oversharing). Maybe they just have a tight budget now because of something we don't know about? idk, but either way, I've lived on my own and supported myself fully for 11 years, and have never before trusted them enough to take them up on any of their offers, for fear of this exact thing. At least now I know.

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    Thank you. Smiley heart Yeah, I guess I let myself get excited in the beginning because she was so ready to step up and be apart of it as a mother figure. But you're right, she's not interested anymore and everything I do or say just gets an eyeroll lately. oh well. And youre right, I miss my mom. My dad and stepmom hated her because my stepmom could never handle the fact that my dad had me with her before they even met, so it's very hard to mourn her absence or honor her in any way. ugh.

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    I'm so sorry. I'm so glad your MIL is so wonderful! Smiley heart Smiley heart

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    Thank you, it really is hard not to take it personally! luckily my best friend is being amazing, and my little sister (MOH) is stepping up now too. with the date 18 days out, I'm REALLY trying to get excited and focus on the good. In the end, I do hope we get back to a better place.

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    I'm so so sorry. Losing your mom is so hard... there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish she could be here. I'm definitely trying to let go and move forward, that's excellent advice for sure. I think once my bridesmaids get here, things will look up. they're all out of town but they all are more of a family to me than my parents are.

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  • Olivia
    Dedicated October 2019
    Olivia ·
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    Unfortunately, my future MIL is terrible. she's a liar and has already added more stress and drama to the whole wedding than necessary. she also didn't raise my FH - his older brother was left to do that, so they don't have a great relationship either. :/ and yeah, I'm definitely coming to terms with that and you're right... I just can't expect her to step up like she'd said she wanted to. people change their minds, that's fine, I just wish she'd communicated that to me.

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