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Savvy April 2021

Mom Not Excited- Dad Passed Last Year

Kelsey, on March 9, 2021 at 11:10 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

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Hi everyone. My wedding is just over 30 days away on April 10. My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years and got engaged right before the pandemic started so needless to say it’s been a very hard experience to go through as the engagement and wedding planning has felt depressing a lot of the times with covid. Now that it’s getting closer and my fiancé is fully vaccinated, with my mom and I just getting ours, I am feeling more excited and ready about the big day doing last minute errands.

The issue is that my dad passed away in September from liver disease suddenly (within 3 months) and it’s been very hard on our family. I’m an only child. My mom has been through a lot in the last year and I understand her grief is different from mine because she lost her husband of 30 years versus me losing a parent. The problem that I am having is that she just has no interest in our wedding and she makes me feel sad when I am around her.
She never asks us anything about the wedding or seems to care about it. One night she had a breakdown and said she doesn’t care about anything anymore and ever since I’ve not mentioned the wedding at all. My dad would have wanted me to enjoy my wedding and be happy so that’s what I am trying to do. But I am worried my mom is going to bring me down that day because she’s so mentally disconnected whenever we are around her.
I’m not trying to dismiss her grief but this is supposed to be a happy time in my life snd even if she has to fake being happy for the next month I just really need it right now. It’s so hard to talk to her about anything in general now. Just need to vent in case anyone can relate.

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Melody, on March 10, 2021 at 5:16 PM

Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 9, 2021 at 11:40 PM
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So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately no one will be as excited about or invested in your wedding as you and fiance. Let her grieve how she needs to and focus on having a happy day.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on March 9, 2021 at 11:52 PM
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Kelsey, although I’m not in the same situation, I can only imagine what you and your mom have gone and still going through. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your father. Clearly, he was a very loved father and husband.

You probably have already thought about this, but a grief counselor could make a huge difference for your mom as the wedding approaches and even after the wedding. I’m glad you are trying to be happy and you have a healthy outlook as your dad definitely wants you to and will be with you in spirit ❤️ I hope your mom finds comfort surrounded by family and friends at your wedding and I hope it lifts her spirits. All the best to you ❤️❤️❤️
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Liz · on March 10, 2021 at 2:26 AM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. You probably already know this, but how your mother is feeling about your wedding, and the apparent lack of interest excitement, has not nothing to do with the wedding, you or your fiancé. It’s a symptom of her very natural grief. She may also be feeling guilty that she hasn’t got all the positive emotions around your wedding.
The PP’s suggestion of grief counselling is a good one. I’d also suggest having someone (e.g. close friend or )family member) who you specifically ask to look out for your mom on the day. It will likely be helpful for her to have a hand to squeeze at particular moments, and helpful for you to know she is being looked out for, without you needing to do it.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on March 10, 2021 at 3:17 AM
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I'm so sorry.
I'll echo the grief counseling. It sounds like your mom really needs it, especially because she's so isolated with the pandemic and everything being shut down. A few sessions for yourself would likely be beneficial, if only to give yourself a safe space to grieve.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on March 10, 2021 at 8:08 AM
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My condolences! This is tough, bc she's in grief.
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Expert August 2021
Sara · on March 10, 2021 at 8:32 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband (we are trying the knot again this fall did a small backyard thing last year) he lost all of his grandparents in the last 6 months and we had none of them at our elopement to keep them safe. It has been very difficult but just being there for your mom will be best.
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NewEnglandSettler · on March 10, 2021 at 11:13 AM
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It sounds like your Mom may need some help “I don’t care about anything”... If she is clinically depressed, it is absolutely impossible for her to try to fake happiness. I echo the suggestion that you have a close friend or family member of hers support her through the wedding activities. This will hopefully make you feel better that she is being cared for.
It absolutely sucks that your Mom isn’t able to provide the support you are used to from her, and it might be helpful to just accept that. Unfortunately, it appears that memories of your wedding will include recognition that your mom was suffering during that time. It sucks... but it is what it is. Have you tried to get her in to see her primary care physician? I personally would take on this task and go with her to talk to him/her about your mom’s lack of interest in everything (not just wedding)... she most likely will benefit from an antidepressant and some grief counseling. She might not be “present” for your wedding but maybe trying to help her get what she needs will help you feel that your on a path to have your mom back for future milestones.
Good luck... and sincere condolences for your loss.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on March 10, 2021 at 3:25 PM
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. This is not the same, but my step-grandfather passed away on November 13th, which is the day after our wedding day will be this year. It really rocked my grandmother and she's been in a similar headspace, she has been very depressed. She's going to a counselor and it really is helping her a lot, she's taking joy in things again, even if she has rough days where she might not be up to laughing and smiling. While you are right that it is your special day and you want everyone to be happy for it, you unfortunately cannot force anyone to be happy, especially if they are dealing with something devastating. So for your own self, I recommend maybe just reflecting on why you are excited to be married and trying to create the day you want that you know your dad would love. I know easier said than done, but it may bring you a little peace through this very difficult situation.
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Expert April 2021
Melody · on March 10, 2021 at 5:16 PM
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Kelsey, my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for the loss of such a great person in your life. I'll echo the suggestions of a grief counselor, as well. As strange as this may be, your mom may be feeling like she's just lost a very important person in her life (her husband) and is right on the edge of losing another (you). Of course you'll still be her daughter and aren't abandoning her, but the relationship dynamic absolutely changes once you get married and priorities do change a little bit. If she's feeling that potential grief on top of the current grief I can completely understand where she's at. You can definitely try talking to her and see if that may be what's going on, but that would honestly probably be a conversation better had with a counselor. I also like the idea thrown out of having someone there specifically looking out for your mom. It's a nice way to show that you really do care about the pain she's in while allowing yourself to experience the joy of marriage.
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