Megan
Beginner October 2021

Mom is negative every step of my wedding planning

Megan, on December 23, 2020 at 1:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 17
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Unfortunately, my family is totally selfish. My mom gained a lot of weight and had issues with alcohol after her and my ex step father got divorced and she got some health problems from that and depression. Now I'm all she has (my biological father left me young and is a toxic person) and she can be very controlling and opionated about my life. Every time I tell her a detail about how wedding planning is going (venue, time, guests, etc) she has a complaint. For example, I told her we'd probably get married at 3pm and she immediately is worried about what traffic will be like after. Then she started prying about guests. I already knew this wouldn't end well but she wouldn't drop it until I told her I wanted to invite my ex step dad. He helped raise me from 4 years old until I was 18! We only talk a few times a year and we're not super close but I still love and care about him and want him there. I was even thinking about having him walk me down my aisle perhaps with my grandad. She told me she is ashamed of what she looks like and doesn't want him to see her now (the wedding is still way over a year away in 2022 but clearly she has no intention on bettering herself) and she screamed at me that she won't come if I invite him. She demanded that I just gave a court house wedding instead and she only cares about her feelings and my immediate family with no regard for our friends or even my fiancés family. She refuses to even take wedding photos with me so I can't have any pictures or evidence that my mom was even there. She even tried to guilt me for not putting my aunt in my bridal party. She's not planning to pay for anything except the wedding dress and a necklace. Even if she does come, I feel she will resent me. I don't want to give into all of her childish demands but I also want my mother at my wedding. Advice is appreciated. :/ thank you.

17 Comments

Latest activity by Harmony, on December 27, 2020 at 1:20 AM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    My advice is to stopping sharing information with her. I would only share information about wedding planning with those that are actually supportive and unfortunately she has proven that she isn't one of those people. While I totally understand you want your mom at your wedding, you can't make her attend. Honestly based on how she is acting I'm not even sure I'd really want her there. I would worry she would make a scene or cause problems that you don't really need.

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  • Megan
    Beginner October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Your advice is spot on. My feelings as well just sometimes hard to accept when she's the only parent I've really got. Thank you a lot though
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Exactly. Some people you cannot talk to about wedding stuff and even if she asks just change the subject or just say I want to keep everything a surprise. She is who she is and won't change but you can avoid her negativity. The day is about you and your fiance.

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  • SHY
    Master January 2022
    SHY ·
    • Flag

    Veronica worded it perfectly! While you may want her to be included in wedding planning, it's apparent that she won't have anything nice to say about any part of it, so the best thing to do is to keep her far away from it.

    Her using things to get her way, and guilt tripping you is not healthy behavior, and I wouldn't feel comfortable having my mother at my wedding if she was treating me that way. My heart goes out to you, and hope the rest of planning goes a lot more smoothly.

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Hi sweetie hugs. I would quit talking to her about wedding ideas and or plans use blank statements if she asks whos invited just say were inviting family and friends. if she asks for details say I don't know or haven't decided yet. if you want to talk about your wedding that's what we are for.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    You're welcome! I understand toxic people. My grandfather wrote off my mom right after my husband and I got engaged and he was terrible to our entire family. He actually kept his family (his mom & 11 siblings) out of my mom and our lives since my mom was a young child because he was estranged from them. Since my mom's fallout from him she has reconnected with his mom and siblings. It really sucks how toxic some people can be.

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  • Megan
    Beginner October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Thank you 💜
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Dont share info with her. Sometimes you have to cut out all the toxicity, and she is contributing to that
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    That is such a difficult situation you’re in 😔 Basically, you and her both need lots of therapy... the therapist will work on boundaries with you and how to cope with her. Or I suggest creating your own boundaries yourself and not including her in anymore wedding talk... Wedding planning can be some of the best months or some of the worst depending on factors. Best wishes!!!
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Sending hugs your way. I recommend you stop sharing info with her as others have suggested
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  • Megan
    Beginner October 2021
    Megan ·
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    So you think I should still invite my step dad? Thanks again.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    If you have a great relationship with stepdad, invite him but don't invite mom. You decide who attends and who doesn't but toxic people don't belong there
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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    First, I agree with everyone who said to stop sharing details with her. It's really unfortunate, especially since she's the only parent you have. But that doesn't entitle her to abuse you, and make you feel bad about your own wedding planning!

    Second, invite your step dad, and if you want him to walk you, ask him!! It's your wedding day, you should be able to plan it how you want, and decide who you want to walk you. That's nobody else's decision, no matter the family circumstances. I can understand your mother's feelings of shame and inadequacy. Nobody wants to have to face their ex when they don't look and feel their best. But she's only got herself to blame, and she's the only one who can do something about it. She's being really selfish threatening not to come. For now, since you do have a lot of time, I would suggest behaving as if "it is what it is." Tell her you're sorry to hear that she won't come if step dad is there, but remind her that just because their relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean you don't still care for him as a father, and he for you. She should want you to have whatever makes you happy, and put her own feelings aside for your special day. I suspect that if you hold your ground about the things you want for your wedding day, eventually she may give up on her selfish drama. When she realizes that you're getting married no matter what she does, hopefully she'll get on board. Good luck. Happy planning!

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    It really depends on your relationship with him. I know my husband's older half siblings (his dad's two children) are really close with his mom (their former step-mom) even though his parents are divorced. His older half siblings are estranged from the dad, but they consider his mom a second mother. She has attended both of their weddings and every family function. I thought it was strange at first, but I've gotten used to it. Don't let your mom's feelings about him make you feel like he shouldn't be there if you want him there. I'm sure that my father-in-law doesn't like that my mother-in-law has a relationship with his two children especially because he doesn't, but it isn't up to him who his children are close to just like it's not up to your mom.

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  • Megan
    Beginner October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Thanks a lot. That's very helpful advice
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    My mother is a toxic narcissist, so I feel you.

    We didn't put her name on the invitations, and the problem solved itself - she refused to come!

    It's hard, though, because our culture puts such an emphasis on the MOB and that relationship, so I'm very sorry. You're not alone.

    Her behavior and her actions are not your fault, your concern, or even in your control. Put your health and safety first, and then deal with her in a way that allows for that.

    Keep her out of the loop, change the topic, "no" is a complete sentence, and take thineself to therapy!

    Good luck!

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  • Harmony
    Dedicated June 2021
    Harmony ·
    • Flag

    People who make their entire wedding about their family are rarely happy.

    Ultimately it is a celebration of your union with your partner and the joining of the two families. Although it may be difficult for some people to understand/accept...the wedding should truly be about you and what you want.

    Although it may be painful, you have to be firm about what you want and accept that it is not your responsibility to make others happy.

    Like many others have said, I would simply not tell her details anymore. It is only going to cause you heartache in the end.

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