Jennifer
Devoted October 2022

Mom Insists on a Catholic Priest

Jennifer, on November 8, 2021 at 1:46 PM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 1 29
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I need some advice... Both my parents are practicing Catholics. I was raised as a Catholic, but I don't practice it anymore. For personal reasons, there are just things I don't agree with the Catholic church. I still believe in God and I do believe that our marriage should be blessed by God. My FH and his parents are Protestant Christians and there's a lot of the Catholic teachings they don't agree with same as me. To be quite honest, I agree more with their practice and beliefs than I ever did in Catholicism. My FH and I's plan is to have the pastor at his parents' church do our ceremony and I honestly thought that would be enough to make my mom happy since it's still a Christian wedding (FH's mom is super happy about it!). Well, it turns out after I told my mom that, she contacted the priest at their church and wants me to add 10 minutes to our ceremony so that it can be blessed by the Catholic church by their local priest. My FH and I really just want this to be a quick ceremony and, more importantly, I would not want to impose Catholicism on him or his family especially if they (and I) don't agree with many of the practices. My mom never imposed this idea to my older brother and his wife during their wedding (Baptist Protestant) so I'm really confused why she's insisting on having a Catholic priest at ours... For now, I have gotten her to stop bothering me about it, but I doubt it's the last I'll hear of it. There's only so many times I can say, "No. Sorry, mom. It's our wedding. We don't believe we need a priest to bless our wedding. Our wedding will be blessed by God." I guess this is more of a rant, but if anyone has been through the same thing, how did you navigate through it?

29 Comments

Latest activity by Mayene, on November 22, 2021 at 2:26 PM
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    I’m not Catholic but from what I understand, they won’t marry a non-Catholic person. Also, your mom is irrelevant in this as it is not the religion you do or plan to practice. But I don’t think it’s even an option.
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    Her priest actually told her that they make exceptions now since times have changed 🤷‍♀️ But, yeah, if my fiancé would never convert lol.
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    She’s still probably under the impression that I believe in all the Catholic teachings. It will break her heart, but I can probably put an end to it by telling her there’s a lot of the Catholic practice I don’t agree with and here’s why.
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  • Jessi
    Super October 2022
    Jessi ·
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    At this point because you've given her a nice "no" multiple times, it's time to start with a firm "no." If she brings it up again tell her that you're not doing that and change the subject. If she wants to keep bringing it up then you should walk away. It's not fun to do, but completely shutting it down seems to be your only option at this point unfortunately.

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  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    I don’t think you necessarily need to go into why, unless she asks. This could open the door for argument. Approach how you deem appropriate, but I think in this context you can just start with “no, we’re not having a catholic priest” and slowly take it from there. You don’t have to rush to get everything out to her when she’s already going to be upset.
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  • Jacks
    Master November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    My only concern would be if that she's paying for any part of the wedding she might pull the finances. Is she the type of person that might do that? If so just be prepared for that. In either case, yes I wouldn't feel forced to do something that doesn't feel authentic to your beliefs.

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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    Good thing she isn’t paying for any of it at all!
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    The Catholic Church is extremely strict and will not marry anyone who is not a currently practicing member who is up to date on Confession, tithing, and participating in pre-wedding counseling by the church. They see it a serious sacrament as part of religious worship, not just a pretty backdrop. If mom will not listen to your arguments against wanting to be true to who you are at your own wedding, then she needs to hear from the priest why he will not perform a ceremony. This is your wedding and you only get one go at it so it needs to be what you and fiancé want. It’s likely that mom is trying to plan this as she wishes because she didn’t get a say in her own wedding as is common with older generations.



    Learn how to set and maintain boundaries with consequences now because conflicts will come up in the future where she and others bully and guilt you after the wedding: where you live, where you work, when you and future kids visit and the list goes on.
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  • Jacks
    Master November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Oh that's good news! Yep just shut it down.

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  • M
    Dedicated October 2021
    Mary ·
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    Do what you want. I had a similar situation and I am still hearing about it but at the end of the day it is your wedding. Your mom will just have to understand.
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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    Next time she mentions it, don’t explain again - just say “asked and answered” then change the subject. If you want to get really petty and passive-aggressive, you could say “mom, we’ve had this conversation quite a few times now yet you keep bringing it up. I’m worried that you don’t seem to remember it’s already been discussed x maybe you should see your doctor about your apparent memory loss?”

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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    Ugh… that’s the thing. She already consulted her local priest (behind my back) and he said that he would do it. I’m not sure exactly what she told him. But, she basically told me that they’re a lot more lenient about it now 🤷‍♀️ I still don’t want to do it. I read more about it and we basically have to promise to raise our children as Catholic and to start practicing Catholicism again. Not that we were planning on having kids, but we are not raising whatever children we have as Catholics. My FH and I already talked about it and there’s just no way. Catholicism actually pushed me AWAY from a relationship with God. I am just finding it again with the help of my SIL, who is a practicing Baptist. I’m not ruining that just for the sake of a pretty backdrop
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  • Jay
    Devoted September 2021
    Jay ·
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    That sounds super odd to me—he can’t just agree to do it without your involvement. I wonder if your mother misrepresented the situation, either to him or you. The Catholic Church is fairly lenient now especially in liberal areas, but there are still rules around it, & a big one is both parties willingly coming into the Catholic marriage & completing paperwork.


    Catholic priests can celebrate marriages outside a literal Catholic Church (i.e. celebrate with a Protestant pastor in a Protestant church) but that definitely requires more paperwork & I think bishop approval. The other method I can think of—you get a convalidation after your ceremony—would require you to go to the Catholic Church to have that done. And both scenarios require pre-Cana & that the Catholic party promise to raise any children Catholic (the non-Catholic doesn’t have to agree to raise them Catholic, but must promise to not interfere).


    Basically, she can’t force you into it unless the priest is really willing to break a lot of set rules—I suspect she’s just trying to get you to agree, and I really wonder what would happen if you went to the priest and told him you weren’t willing. I think this is just going to be a stand-your-ground-even -though-it-will-upset-family situation.


    I looked a lot into this for my wedding—I was married in a Catholic Church & I generally found all the rules fascinating. Neither my husband nor I are really practicing, but we are both baptized, did pre-Cana, agreed to raise kids Catholic, married in the literal church, & attend mass on occasion. That was good enough & fairly easy, but did definitely involve us meeting with the priest & doing paperwork!

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Stand your ground and don’t waver. That is a HUGE red flag and breach of trust/communication and that alone warrants you to go permanent no contact with mom and is best in the long run for your mental health if you do. She has no right to do this and she is wrong that the church is lenient on allowing anyone to marry there who is not a devout Catholic based on an “I want this this way and I don’t take no for an answer” from her. Mom has already seriously violated your trust and arranged this behind your back, so you need to immediately cancel whatever she has going on and do not mention a word of your plans to anyone moving forward. Do not interact at all because she has zero respect for you and never will if this is her behavior. She will continue to do this forever because no one is stopping her. Do you have a dad in the picture or is he equally railroaded by her doing whatever she wants, everyone else be damned? If you don’t want to raise your kids Catholic then don’t get into a situation where you are forced to lie. Best of luck!
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  • Cece
    VIP November 2022
    Cece ·
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    Wow. This is a bit extreme. Go permanent no contact with your mother just because she asked a priest if he would even be willing to marry her daughter?? OP never said her mother arranged anything behind her back…. Simply that she inquired with the priest whether he would be able/willing to perform the ceremony. Obviously nothing can be arranged without her daughter’s consent. I’ve seen you tell countless people on here that they should go permanent no contact with their family and friends MANY MANY times, and it is quite alarming (and potentially dangerous).
    OP… I would definite NOT go permanent no contact with your mother over something this trivial. Is she trying to push her religion on you? Yes. Is she doing it out of love and concern for you and your marriage? Most likely. I know conversations about religion can be uncomfortable, but it sounds like it is one you need to have with her. Like you said, if you are open and honest with her about your beliefs, she would stop trying to push the 10 minute Catholic part of your ceremony. Bite the bullet and have the conversation. The longer you put it off, the longer you will have to continue to deal with the stress of the situation.
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    I don’t think she’s just going to bring in a priest at our ceremony without letting us know and dramatically object at us getting married in the middle of the ceremony unless her priest blesses our wedding 😳 It would have to be with our consent, which is an emphatic, “No.”. If she brings it up again, I’ll have an honest conversation with her about my fiancé and I’s beliefs.
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  • Cece
    VIP November 2022
    Cece ·
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    Exactly! I think that comment (that I responded to) was incredibly over-dramatic and out of context. Definitely not anything that would warrant never talking to your mother again!
    Hopefully she gets the hint, but if not I’m sure a simple conversation will make her understand where you’re at. Good luck girl! Your wedding will be incredible 💕
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    I think maybe she was just getting a feel for things like if a priest would even bless a marriage between a Catholic and non-Catholic Christian. She did probably misrepresent me to the priest and said I was a practicing Catholic, even though I’m not. I’m not sure if she knew about all the paperwork, pre-Cana, promising to raise our children as Catholic, etc. If the priest told her that during their conversation, she definitely withheld those details to me. Haha it wouldn’t be the first time she did something like that though. She asked me if I could invite some cousins from my dad’s side and she only mentioned two names. Then, didn’t tell me that they were married so it’s actually 4 people total until after she’d asked them -.- Her response was, “I didn’t know that you didn’t know.” Of course I didn’t know… I hadn’t talked to them in over 15 years…. Whatever. They probably won’t come.
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted October 2022
    Jennifer ·
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    Thank you! 🥰 I’ll definitely show you those dog canvas prints when they come in. I think it’s going to be hilarious!
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  • Fiona
    Expert May 2024
    Fiona ·
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    We looked at getting married in a Catholic church as my DH has been raised Catholic but as I looked in to it and had to agree that we would raise children Catholic I said no I wouldn't get married in a Catholic church and promise that. So we ended up getting married in my little home church with a protestant minister but thankfully no one gave us grief about it. My DH was fine about it as he had been attending a protestant church with me for some time. Smiley smile

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