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Savvy November 2021

Mom cannot handle wedding planning

Melissa, on February 20, 2021 at 7:19 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17

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Since I began wedding planning Mom and I have had a long standing battle. I understand many emotions are involved for many people but unfortunately I have felt little support from her. I started holding things back and redirecting alot of my conversations elsewhere. She has instilled anxiety in me as she thinks I have done no planning and should start. Little does she realize I have most things taken care of. She has made me feel like I was wrong for my thoughts and opinions even though I know I have done nothing wrong. When it comes to the guest list she cannot have the discussion without an arguement. My fiance has a small family and I have a larger one. She is focusing all her efforts on inviting people I could honestly do without. She is willing to compromise but only after she has dragged most topics through the mud first. I find the whole situation hurtful and disrespectful and though she says she is going it for me, her "only daughter" and that she wants things "perfect" she is only turning this experience into something negative between me and her. Idk how to move forward with her as I have exhausted all my efforts to make peace. Suggestions appreciated.

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Latest activity by Fred, on March 1, 2021 at 5:32 PM

Expert July 2021
Lauren · on February 20, 2021 at 7:39 PM
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If she is not contributing financially to the wedding, I would perhaps refrain from including her in planning for now. Make your own decisions and do what you want and include her only when it is a need to know basis. If she is contributing financially, unfortunately it tends to give her some say in planning. It does not excuse the stress she is causing however. Good luck and I hope it gets better!
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on February 20, 2021 at 8:51 PM
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Agree- if she’s not contributing to it, she has no say so on who’s being invited. Anxiety can be so debilitating & when it is caused by family it seems like it’s worse! I’ve learned to be a duck & just let things roll off me. My sister is giving me some backlash about the time frame of the rehearsal & the rehearsal dinner- there’s 3 hours in between & I can’t do anything about it. Just had to sit her down & tell her to just work with me on this! We have 42 more days to go so please work with me!
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Savvy November 2021
Melissa · on February 20, 2021 at 9:19 PM
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Yes, she is contributing financially which is must appreciated. I think her feeling of being overwhelmed kind of takes over and leaves no room for my own feelings. And I'm the bride! Its tricky to involve her and she wants to be involved but, it never seems to end well when it comes to bigger tasks.
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 20, 2021 at 9:40 PM
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Turn off the faucet if the sink is overflowing and making a mess. The fact that she is contributing some money does not mean she is part of every decision. And she doesn't need info on everything. Having agonized the way through the guest list, you need to tell her you and your future husband have finished some other things, and she will see at the wedding. You are not a child. You are setting a pattern for your future. You need to start making most decisions on your own, with assistance only when you ask for it. And you need to tell Mom nicely, respectfully, but very, very clearly, that this is your first major planning as a couple, to work out personal priorities, and budgeting, and joint skills for entertaining others. Things you cannot do; f she tries to be part of every decision. Then, offer some area she can work on, and shut off all information on most others.
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Savvy April 2022
Amanda · on February 21, 2021 at 10:14 PM
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I will counter this statement. I don't think a parent giving you money for your wedding should have a say in it any more then a parent not giving you money. They are giving you a gift. A gift should not come with strings attached. My FMIL is helping pay for the reception. She said i would be our choices. So I'm hoping that I don't find strings attached as the year goes on.
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 21, 2021 at 11:40 PM
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Unfortunately, a lot of parents do not see it as a gift to the couple, and theirs to do with as they wish. For many years, centuries for many cultural groups, the parents not the children marrying, were the hosts of the wedding. And many make it very clear that they are NOT just handing over money as a gift. That they are full partners, co-hosts, or even the only hosts, doing it on behalf of the couple, and thus they retain all rights to make decisions how the money is spent. When those are the conditions, parents are within their rights, and the only way to take control is to turn down the money and take responsibility for hosting the wedding. Like it or not, it is those giving the money who have the right to determine the conditions. And may parents make it clear from the beginning, the money is not a gift to the couple. The wedding as the parents decide, is the gift.
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Savvy April 2022
Amanda · on February 21, 2021 at 11:49 PM
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That's just toxic as all hell, but I'm glad you shared. I showed this to my fiance and he said if his mother tries this we will give her back her money and figure it out ourself. But still this is really heart breaking that people do this.
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 22, 2021 at 12:11 AM
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I would find it intolerable
My first husband family eas wealthy and tge parents were extremely upset we wanted a small, quiet wedding we could afford. They had in mind being hosts, and wr wanted nothing from them. But people whose parents hosted their weddings, may expect to host their child's, and a cultural tradition for many. We worked second jobs to save and have our own wedding our way. A lot of adults want all the money from mom and dad, but to have all control. Better to have the wedding you can afford, if you want control, and accept limited gifts.
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Savvy November 2021
Melissa · on February 22, 2021 at 12:18 PM
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The situation is super toxic. Even before the proposal I knew this was to be expected and I think my entire hesitancy to have a wedding or get married at all stems from this exact behavior. Over time I've realized my fiance and I deserved this celebration and that we wanted it. But, we wanted it for us not anyone else. Our friends and other family have been so excited and so supportive throughout the entire process. And though her financial support is appreciated I think that is where she feels like she holds the power over us even though the money is a gift. Shes fighting her own self but, turning it on me. Its seems manipulative.
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Savvy November 2021
Melissa · on February 22, 2021 at 12:22 PM
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Thank you! I never thought of it this way because shes impressed on me so strongly her wanting to pay, pay, pay. I believe we could have the wedding we wanted and without this kind of drama from mom if we just paid for it ourselves. I feel like she'd be so offended if we didn't take it from her though.
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Dedicated April 2021
Josie · on February 22, 2021 at 12:38 PM
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One thing I have noticed since starting wedding planning is that everyone is going to try and input in our your wedding. My FH and I are paying for everything ourselves, yet people still try and take it over. You kind of just have to take everything with a grain of salt. You know how you are doing with the planning, so don't worry what your mom has to say about it. Planning a wedding is stressful enough as is. I hope it gets better for you!
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 22, 2021 at 12:52 PM
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Yes, she wants control this time, since her mom and groom's ( with input from grandmothers) planned hers, and she feels entitled to have her turn, which she gets by being the host. In the 90's and now a second wave, are all these mom's who never got to plan their own or their kids weddings and they go down kicking and screaming.
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Savvy April 2022
Amanda · on February 22, 2021 at 2:04 PM
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Maybe a mediator would be something good to get. Since you are in a situation where you can not have a rational conversation with your mother. It really sounds like she is so in her head about the wedding she can't see past herself to how she is damaging the bridge of your relationship.
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Savvy November 2021
Melissa · on February 22, 2021 at 2:39 PM
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Agreed! Thank you!
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Savvy June 2021
Taylor · on February 28, 2021 at 9:29 PM
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I relate to this so much. I am my parents' only daughter, as well. My mom is wanting everything to be so "perfect" in her eyes that she is bashing any ideas of mine that don't fall in line with her vision. I feel like our relationship is being ruined through wedding planning. Not sure I have a ton of advice for you, but just know you're not alone!
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on March 1, 2021 at 5:11 PM
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She is contributing financially , however could you tell me what the percentage is ?
I mean: contributing 50+% is not the same as contributing,say, 5-10%.
Since the venue and catering are the 2 biggest expenses, if she's contributing 50+% , she should be allowed to invitr some people "you can do without" but the good compromise would be only those who know well have been part for more than half of your life and you still see them on a regular b
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on March 1, 2021 at 5:32 PM
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Part 2 (I accidentally touched the "reply" LOL):
[...] the good compromise would be only those who know well, who have been part for more than half of your life and you still see them on a regular basis. However, she shouldn't invite whoever she wants, it would be unfair to invite a ton of people you don't know and/or don't want to.
If she's contributing a small %, the guest list is your and your partner's call and should have a say on a smaller stuff. If she's paying for a specific stuff, only for this stuff.I agree with Judith,Amanda:If you can plan the wedding that fits your and your patner's vision without her money, go for it. You will remove some stress and drama., If you can't but you still want to avoid her toxicity, host a smaller, "lower-key" wedding, it's still better than having to deal with her behavior and drama.
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