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Savvy September 2021

moh Problem

Bumblebee3, on January 28, 2021 at 12:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 25
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I was MOH a few years back for my cousin and threw a house party full of games, naughty things, gift bags for all the girls, food ranging from vegetarian options for a few of her friends, signature cocktails, hand baked desserts and much more. Since then she’s been talking about how she couldn’t wait to do the same for me and has told me of all the ideas she had planned once it was her turn which of course made me excited as I had a blast as her MOH.

Fast forward to this year when I asked her to be my MOH. I told her right away she’d be “sharing” her MOH duties with my best man, who lives out of state. He’s been wanting to throw a bach party for years as well and I told her his party would happen in the state he lives in, to which she told me she wouldn’t be able to come (that didn’t come as a surprise since she has a toddler and on top of that hates traveling).
Since I still figured she might want to do a bach party from her comments over the years, I suggested that (only if she wanted to) host something in our home state and she loved the idea (she lives 15 mins from me). Later on she said she’d only do it if it was in her backyard, not her house. I thought that might be a bit difficult due to the heat (late July) and also the overall awkwardness of her neighbors looking over to see bachelorette party favors 😅 I was also concerned as I have friends who live hour+ from her home that would have to pay a lot for an Uber/Lyft after a day/evening of drinking. My suggestion was renting a small home on Airbnb to which she immediately shot down and told me that they’d be no way she’d spend the night (a bit odd for the hostess to leave before everyone else but whatever). She also mentioned that she’d have to “ask everyone to pitch in” which also stuck me as odd as I paid for her whole party on my own (as well as the fact that I’m not having my girls pay for their bridesmaid dresses since it’s part of my gift to them so they are not spending any money for the wedding except for shoes, which will be whatever inexpensive flats/sandals they prefer). Any other suggestions I had were shot down so I just thought it better that I stick to the original plan of my out of state bach party only and she seemed relived by that and agreed it was better idea, but not before throwing in “I just feel like a crappy MOH” (which she’s said several times now). I understand she’s busy with parenting and work, which is why I haven’t relied on her as much as I have my BM or even my bridesmaid, however everyone is busy in their own way so most things I’ve been handling on my own or with FH and I’m enjoying that just fine. I just don’t know what to say to her when she brings up being a “bad MOH”. I’ll ask her small things here and there that she shoots down or is unable to answer in a timely manner so I haven’t really relied on her as much as my BM who calls me often and discusses wedding details as well as each other’s lives. Now with my BM handing the bach party and the women in my FH’s family planning our shower there’s not much I need her for other than just showing up on the rehearsal and wedding days (which I know is really the only real requirements of the “job”). And yet she still makes comments about how I did so much for her during her engagement and how she “can’t wait to do the same” yet she hasn’t done anything remotely close to what I did for her and I’m not sure when she plans on starting if that’s something she’s still looking forward to ya know?
Any ideas of what I can give her to help satisfy her role of being a “good MOH” while also not being necessary that I don’t get disappointed when she’s unable to fulfill it?

25 Comments

Latest activity by Meika, on February 3, 2021 at 10:02 AM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Honestly just graciously accept what she is able to offer and let the rest go. It's ok to be disappointed. Everyone has different lives, budgets/incomes, schedules, and so on so it's unreasonable to expect that she has the same resources as what you gave her.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I wouldn't bother trying to make her feel better about being a MOH. It's not your responsibility to reinsured your bridesmaids/MOH who aren't doing a great job that they are when they aren't doing anything except show up for the rehearsal and wedding. If she believes that she is a terrible MOH then she can make that decision to step up to the plate and start planning parties for you and doing what she feels bad for not doing for you. She sounds to me like one of those people who want you to believe they feel terrible for something then go ahead and be terrible still. I wouldn't waste my time with her you have other things to do and worry about.
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    It sounds like she has a lot going on, and maybe isn’t in a financial situation to be able to do things at the moment. Judging from her “bad MOH” comments, she obviously feels badly that she’s not able to put forth as much as you were able to for her wedding. I don’t think giving her more things to do in order to “satisfy her role of being a good MOH” as you put it, is a good idea. I think you should actually do the opposite- tell her that nothing is required from her to be a good MOH other than her love and support of you and your relationship (and of course showing up to the rehearsal and wedding on time).
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    It sounds like you had more time and possibly more money than she currently has. I think part of the problem is you are trying to hold her to things that you did for her years ago, but with a young child she can't do those things. A lot of MOHs also reply on the bridesmaids to help so I don't think it was unreasonable for her to want your bridesmaids to pitch in. I think your expectations of her are what makes her feel like a bad MOH. I think if you didn't compare her to your best man or bridesmaids then she probably wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't ask her to do anything else because it already sounds like she is under enough pressure and doesn't need any added pressure from you or the other people in your bridal party.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    And I'm not saying people who don't have the means aren't doing a great job when they are in a wedding. I'm saying it sounds like from what I read that she really doesn't want to be bothered doing anything and then constantly complains to you about lacking in the MOH department when you did so much for her. Like she wants you to believe she feels guilty.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I can only make guesses based on the info you've shared, but do you think her insistence on the outdoor/backyard party might be related to Covid concerns? It's been a very consistent recommendation that IF groups are gathering at all, they do so outdoors whenever possible. I also agree with pps that her financial and time constraints might be very different than yours were when you hosted her events, and she's really struggling with feeling like she's letting you down. It's a bummer that she isn't able to do for you what you did for her, but it is what it is. Unless she generally is super manipulative, my interpretation would be that she probably truly feels really bad about not being able to host the type of event for you that she would like to. I could see her potentially feeling very torn about meeting what she sees as a obligation to a close friend and doing what is right for her family and budget. There were MANY times when our daughter was young that our finances were pretty tight, and we had close friends and family who were often much better off financially. Despite knowing I was making the best choices for my family, there were definitely times I felt bad about not being able to match others' generosity and/or expectations. As others have suggested, I'd probably reassure her that her standing beside you on your wedding day is your only expectation. Good luck!

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  • B
    Savvy September 2021
    Bumblebee3 ·
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    The guests of the party would have just been female friends, not bridesmaids, so that feels tacky to me to ask for money. For her wedding, she had 5 bridesmaids and we all spent over $300. I’m having my girls spent $30 max lol. I’m definitely not expecting anything from her in any way other than really just showing up at rehearsal/wedding day (as I stated originally), which is why I’ve handled most things on my own like shopping for wedding dresses and such. I’ve really kept it to small things to keep her involved, like sending a “what do you think of blank vs blank?” text and not getting a response for days. I move on with my day only to receive the dreaded “ughh sorry I’m SUCH a bad MOH” to which I tell her whatever color or pattern etc I picked and both move on.


    She sent me pictures a couple months ago of her bachelorette party (that I threw her) and said “remember when we had *blank* at my party? That was so much fun I’m so excited your getting married now I can’t wait to do all this for you!”. It just seems like a weird thing to say when I have a hard enough time getting a hold of her, she’s unable to see me in person (I’ve seen her once since getting engaged over a year ago), etc. Kind of seems “all talk and no action” to me. My expectations are based solely on her own statements. If she wasn’t interested or able to help out with things I wish she’d be more up front about that instead of asking me what I need, me telling her a small thing I require her for and her dropping the ball.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I do however agree with everyone that it is unreasonable that you are expecting her to pay for the whole thing. And won't let her ask the other bridesmaids to help. Just because you were able to do it all on your own and choose to for her wedding doesn't mean everyone should be doing it that way. Most of the time the Bachelorette/bridal showers are hosted and paid for by the whole bridal party not just one person. You should let her ask the rest of the bridesmaids to help.
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  • B
    Savvy September 2021
    Bumblebee3 ·
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    I’m leaning toward this as the real reason as well, even though I want to believe it’s not that. She’s done things over the years that are similar to this just not on as big of a scale as wedding related.
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  • B
    Savvy September 2021
    Bumblebee3 ·
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    The small gathering of girls (that she was planning on hosting) was going to female friends, not other members of the wedding party. Asking people you don’t know to drive an hour out of their way and on top of that pay $15-30 seems very odd to me. Especially when I’m not asking her to spend any money of her own on my wedding, it seems very cheap to offer to host a party then ask my friends to pay towards it is all. Maybe it’s more common than I thought!
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    I completely agree with this!

    Also, piggybacking onto what you said about having people chip in....where I'm from, it's common practice for everyone invited to the bach party to chip in to help the MOH/host (bridal party or not). Every bach party/trip I've been to, we split the cost and no one had a second thought about helping pay.

    I will admit, it's a little strange that she wanted to host but only have everything outside in that heat, but again...could be due to the pandemic and it was just her way of taking precautions.

    Just let her be there as your MOH to support you and your marriage. Smiley heart

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Perfectly stated
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    It sounds like you need to modify your expectations. Rather than setting expectations based on what she is saying, you need to base your expectations on what she is showing. And what she is showing that, for whatever reasons, she is unable to return the favor in the way she wishes she could. Moving forward, I would just not expect or request anything from her,l; while giving her the benefit of the doubt that she would do more for you if she could. And I certainly wouldn’t give her any other tasks to “prove she is a good MOH”. Since you gave her that title, I am assuming this is a person who is incredibly close to you. If someone close to me kept telling me they felt like a bad friend, family member, MOH, etc. I’d go out of my way to assure them that their support means way more to me than any party or gifts or money or tasks having to do with the wedding. It sounds like your MOH feels terrible about not being able to live up to your expectations, and really needs that type of assurance from you now. Remember, she is your friend before she is your maid of honor.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    If this is something she is known for than it's probably unfortunately what happening now.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    I have a few thoughts on this -

    "I told her right away she’d be “sharing” her MOH duties with my best man, who lives out of state. He’s been wanting to throw a bach party for years as well and I told her his party would happen in the state he lives in"

    It sounds to me like she was looking forward to being your MOH, but then as soon as you asked her, you told her she'd essentially be sharing the role, so now she feels replaced/unimportant. It also sounds like the big thing you wanted her to do was plan the bach, like you planned for her - but then you gave that job to the best man, who is now throwing a party she can't even attend, so she can't even help. The best man's role is overstepping your MOH's role, so she's being minimized.

    "I suggested that (only if she wanted to) host something in our home state and she loved the idea (she lives 15 mins from me)...I was also concerned as I have friends who live hour+ from her home that would have to pay a lot for an Uber/Lyft after a day/evening of drinking."

    So did you want her to host something in your home state, or is that a problem because of guests having to get home?

    "My suggestion was renting a small home on Airbnb...She also mentioned that she’d have to “ask everyone to pitch in” which also stuck me as odd as I paid for her whole party on my own."

    If I'm reading this right you wanted her to host a second bachelorette, that the rest of the bridal party wouldn't be invited to, and pay for the entire Airbnb herself? If so, I think that's asking a lot of her. The last several group Airbnb's I've rented or stayed in were $750-$1000 for the weekend, which is a hell of a lot of money to ask anyone to pay for on their own, let alone for a "second" bach...

    It is also really, really common for bach attendees to split the cost of the house and the food. My bach was like that, so was the bachelor party my FH just went on, my FSIL's bach...etc. Standard operating procedure.

    I hope this didn't come across harshly but I think she feels kind of unimportant/replaced. Maybe have a talk with her, you are close to her right?

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    If she is asking for guests not wedding party people to pay for the Bachelorette party then it's sounds more like a stagette. Staggettes are were the host has guests pay to come party with the bride, but some of that money is supposed to go to the party and the other part of that money is supposed to go to the bride. Also it's very common for the bridal party to pay for the parties not one member of the bridal party however when it comes to guests who aren't in the wedding attending the Bachelorette party I'm not sure what goes. I would imagine if you hosted at a bar or strip club or something like that, that you would have guests who aren't in the wedding pay for themselves. House party I wouldn't think you would. I've never gone to a Bachelorette party that had people who weren't in the wedding come. All the Bachelorette parties I've been to it was just the bride and the bridal party who attended.
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  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
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    I agree- I can't believe more pp haven't mentioned the COVID already. Switching from home to backyard sounds 100% like COVID reasons, same with the Airbnb- not spending the night is still about not being indoors. She probably is upset that you suggested staying indoors after she just said she only wanted to do it outside. Also, overnight stuff with a young child is often not gonna work. Plus, yeah, the money. That is a huge added expense. Split cost is imo expected for destination bachelorettes- for example, if you wanted to go to Vegas and get multiple rooms would you expect the MOH to cover that? I'm sure you'd say no, this is really not that different.


    I can relate 100% to her saying "I feel lile a crappy MOH" because I am having a similar issue in life. I am still quarantining, most everyone else isn't, and I constantly feel guilted and stressed by people about it. Friends want to do things and I can't and "I feel like a bad friend" is something I've said to many friends after denying their request to hang out. I hate it but the COVID world sucks. Your friend has a small child, they're probably trying to be extra cautious and careful. Being sound a group of un-masked people indoors is risking bringing it home.
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  • B
    Savvy September 2021
    Bumblebee3 ·
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    I would understand if it was COVID related however she has had gatherings in her home over the months, including for her kid’s bday. She’s also been to the hairdresser and nail tech as well which I know people who have been cautious of COVID have not done since prior to lock down (myself included).


    And of course I would not expect the cost to be taken care of any one person however given the limitations she herself was setting it seemed strange she even wanted to host in the first place. I fully expect to pay my share of whatever costs for any wedding, not just my own. However I do draw the line at asking money from friends who are already going out of their way to attend.
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  • B
    Savvy September 2021
    Bumblebee3 ·
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    Very interesting! I’ve never heard of a staggette but I know different states and regions vary in celebrations (I had never heard of calling a bachelorette party a “hen party” until a few years ago). From where we’re from most bachelorette parties are your bridal party + close female friends. I’ve even been to some with the MOB and MOG invited which can get uncomfortable pretty fast haha
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Where I'm from we have stag/stagettes where multiple people who are on the guests list can buy a ticket to attend the party. Normally the host gets let's say a vip section at a club and bottle service and then charge guests a flat rate which should cover them for the whole party. Part of the money goes to the cost of the party and the other part is for the bride/groom. It's more common in my area for the groom to have a stag and the bride to have a Bachelorette party. Some people even do both stag/stagettes and bachelor/Bachelorette.


    My mother in law wants me to have a stagette but I told her I just want to do a Bachelorette party with my bridesmaids. It's more common in my area for the bride to be and just the bridal party to attend the Bachelorette party.

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