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moh Needs Advice From Brides

Carolina, on November 22, 2020 at 11:13 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11
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Hi everyone! I am the MOH in my baby cousin's upcoming wedding on June 5th, 2021. I love her to pieces and just want all the pre-wedding festivities to be everything she's dreamt of. However, with Covid-19 still being an issue here in New Jersey and with new restrictions slowly trickling out, I am not sure what I am supposed to do, as it seems like the state is reverting back to how it was earlier this year.

I have been trying to plan a bridal shower for about 60 people. Venues in this state are not taking bookings/reservations at the moment because of restrictions. I have spent months waiting it out, to see if things improve before digging in deeper as far as planning goes. Thing is, it seems things are not improving. Even with an apparent vaccine on the way, I am unsure of whether or not things will be settled down come April (when I was originally planning to throw the shower). Beyond that, I am not fully comfortable throwing a larger bash for her shower knowing that guests may be at risk. From what I gather, it may take several months into 2021 for the vaccine to be available to the general public, I feel planning something for April is not a wise move.

Secondly, her bachelorette party is supposed to be about 15 girls in Ocean City, Maryland sometime in mid-May. The bridal party and I decided against going too far away due to having to be on an airplane and how unsafe everything is. I can't seem to get too involved in planning that either, as everything is so up in the air and we have no idea what will happen within the next few months. Being that MD is also reverting back to stricter restrictions, booking anything for the bachelorette party is proving to be a difficult task.

My cousin is considering postponing her wedding to 2022. She said she will make the call come end of January. However, she very much has her heart set on June 2021. Personally, I think postponing is a great idea. It gives the country a chance to go back to some sense of normalcy and there will be less restrictions. If she waits till 2022, she will be capable of having the wedding she has always wanted. Having it in 2021, as originally planned, will most likely result in cutting her guest list among a ton of other changes, that I know she will be bummed about. I also know that for her and her future husband, this is stressful for them and I am trying not to infringe too much on what it is they want to do or decide upon doing. Part of me wants to tell her that I am having such a difficult time planning things for her being she is dead set on having her wedding in June. I do not want to break the news that she won't be able to have everyone she wants at these pre-wedding festivities, and instead of going away for the bachelorette party, she may have to have it here in her home state.

I am not sure what to do. To be incredibly honest, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I cannot plan these events even though I want to because of the current state of our country. I'd rather not wait until January and be given the go ahead by her to continue planning only to still be told that nothing has changed and I cannot book any venues or accommodations for her bachelorette. While I do fully understand that this is her big day, I wish she would have a little consideration for those who are also putting in a lot of time, money, and effort to make the events leading up to her big day memorable and fun. In order to plan these events, I need to know what it is she wants to do - whether she is keeping the 2021 date or postponing to 2022, as I do not want to wait till last minute to get the ball rolling. I also do not want to lose out on potentially a ton of money to reserve places (if I even can) in 2021 only to find out she decided to postpone or that it is not safe yet/permitted.

What do I do? How do I go about this in a way where I don't stress her out even more?


Thank you!




11 Comments

Latest activity by Barbara, on November 23, 2020 at 1:54 PM
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    If she does plan her wedding for 2021 still, could the bridal shower and such be held in the months after the wedding instead of before? That way, it would give more time for the vaccine to be available, and hopefully things would be in a much better place by then. And it would let you wait to start planning until after she makes her decision in January. If she decides to postpone to 2022, you can then adjust the plans for the bridal shower accordingly. Otherwise, if she decides to keep the 2021 date, you would still have plenty of time to start planning a bridal shower for 2021.
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    My husband is from New Jersey and we live in Maryland. From what my husband's family has said, I don't see how you'd plan anything right now in New Jersey. I am pregnant with our first child and with all of the restrictions in New Jersey where my baby shower with his family would be they are waiting until it is closer to my due date (May 1st) to decide what to do. It is very likely my shower with them will be virtual. As for the bachelorette party, our governor here in Maryland keeps announcing new restrictions so it is hard to tell what things will be like when you are trying to plan for her bachelorette party. I would be honest with your cousin that you aren't sure how these events are going to work out because of the restrictions. However, I think you still have plenty of time to plan.

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  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    January is only a little over a month away. I would relax. You still gave plenty of time to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette, even if the wedding is still in June. My bridal party definitely wasn't planning pre-wedding events 7 months from the wedding date. I live in NJ too. No one is planning anything, so it's not like the venues are getting booked up. Showers and bachelorette parties can be closer to the wedding. My shower and bachelorette were in the same weekend, 3 weeks before my wedding. It worked out perfectly. Just take a moment and breathe. It's great that you want to do everything for your cousin, but she should understand that things have to be flexible given the current pandemic.
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  • Eri
    Super October 2020
    Eri ·
    • Flag

    If the most important thing to her is having her dream wedding and not having to compromise, she should postpone to 2022. If there are pressing reasons for her to get married in June, she can consider a plan b, c, etc.

    I got married on 10/10 and we had to make quite a few changes. It wasn't our dream wedding vision, but we didn't want to postpone for a variety of reasons. If I were younger, we probably would've postponed until 2022.

    However, I will say that we did not have a shower or bachelor/bachelorette parties. I told my mom and bridesmaids to not plan anything because it just wasn't worth the risk and stress to me.

    I agree that you've got some time - though I'm a super planner so I understand wanting to get things squared away early. Next time wedding talk comes up with your cousin, I would tell her you're waiting for her decision to proceed with your part of shower/bachelorette planning, but remind her that these events may not be feasible if she sticks with plan a. Just be honest with her -- since she's planning a wedding during all of this, she knows there's a possibility the other events won't happen, so it won't be a surprise. It's just probably hard for her to acknowledge on top of everything else. Talking things through with my family and friends really helped when I was planning; it actually took away from my stress, for the most part.

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring Online ·
    • Flag
    I think you should speak to the bride about what she prefers. You could still do an outdoor activity gathering that has social distancing, such as a camping/glamping overnight in May.
    • Reply
  • C
    Carolina ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    There are no pressing reasons. She's in her mid 20's, no one whom she'd absolutely want there is on their death bed, she is not planning to start a family till late 20's and so forth. However, the June 5th date is something she is set on. I have let her know that most likely it will not be 100% the way she envisioned because of the high chance that restrictions will still be in place, even if not as strict as right now.
    You are right, I indeed need to have an honest talk with her. I'm in my mid-late 30's and tend to see things differently than her in her mid 20's. In some ways, I notice she feels she is invincible and as if the rules apply to everyone else but her. This is not reality. It also does not help my entire family is convinced Covid is a scam, therefore, she also tends to think similarly.
    No pre-wedding festivities, a smaller guest count for these festivites, or a virtual shower or whatnot are not things she will be happy about. It is a matter of doing what is safe and feasible while still appeasing her, and I just don't foresee the two meshing in 2021. I love her and really do not want to disappoint her but I need to also remain realistic and I need her expectations to also be realistic.





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  • Jessica
    Dedicated February 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    Bridal showers and bachelorette parties are non essential. Given the mess we’re all going through right now just be honest with her and either she’ll be ok or she won’t. If she’s not ok maybe she can come up with an idea to make it happen
    • Reply
  • K
    Devoted October 2021
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    You should share your thoughts on the possible scenarios with her, but that said it sounds like she is being responsible in this process and you need to roll with it. She set a firm date to make the decision (Jan) which is still several months out from June. Asking her to make a decision now bc you don’t see the value of her original date and bc it is logistically more challenging for you is pretty unfair.
    Showers and Bach parties don’t need to be finalized 6months out, plus many Airbnb’s are doing flexible cancellations now. Dont book anything non refundable and readdress the situation in January.
    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag

    If she makes the decision at the end of January, you have plenty of time to plan a shower and a bach between Feb-June.

    In the tristate area, mid-late May is getting to be warm enough to have outdoor events. Could you throw her an outdoor backyard barbecue shower? Does it have to be at a restaurant? If the limits in May are under 60, can you stagger it to be 30 + 30, one from 10-1 and one from 2-5 or something?

    Not sure if Ocean City will be warm enough in the spring to do anything, but that sounds like fun if you can swing it. I'm not a fan of making people fly to destination bachelorettes, but if the reason is Covid, I would not be especially worried about that as airports/planes are seeing much less traffic this year. Hardly anyone at the airport when I flew over Labor Day Weekend.

    I'd just wait...end of Jan is plenty of time.

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  • C
    Carolina ·
    • Flag

    I have decided I am going to have an honest discussion with her to get an idea of her expectations (after the holidays). If they seem unrealistic, I will explain further that we may have to scale down on some things, unfortunately. She's mentioned before what she wants, but basically left the shower and bach party up to me and the girls in her party. I know she is dead set on having her wedding be the way she has dreamt of, but the realist in me just doesn't believe things will miraculously go back to normal come early summer 2021. There will still be masks, social distancing, and maybe no dancing allowed - these are all things she has expressed concern about to me the past few weeks.

    As far as her pre-wedding festivities, I will do what I can possibly do to make the events special for her. I truly do want to see her happy and I obviously want her to enjoy herself. I am really not trying to complain, it is just tough when you know someone is relying on you and has expectations that may not be able to be fulfilled. I work in the planning industry, so I am always on top of things and the unknown is stressing me out. Of course, I realize that she is probably stressed out x 10, so there is no comparison. I worry a lot, mostly about not living up to others' expectations, especially when it comes to someone who is basically like a sister to me. I am a people pleaser. I will do what I can and give it some time, but I also have to come to the realization that if I cannot safely and legally do what she is expecting, then I simply cannot.

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  • Barbara
    Dedicated March 2017
    Barbara ·
    • Flag

    Honestly, you are being realistic, responsible, and reasonable. And you're right, I think she is totally stressed out right now. You are worrying about living up to expectations, but think about it for a minute. What are the expectations for an MOH? Be the bride's right hand -- in decision making, in planning, for emotional support. You're doing that, despite the uncertainties. What I appreciated most from my MOH, and not in COVID times, was her rational, factual approach to whatever 'crisis' we were facing. Continue to be there for her. Listen to her. Help her see the forest through the trees. Maybe make a pro/con list; maybe she could use your help in focusing on the consequences of each possibility. What is absolutely non-negotiable for her? That alone may well be enough to postpone until 2022. Express your concerns, but be supportive, which you obviously are. Now, we didn't have nearly the complications you/she have -- no showers, few people traveling, no pandemic. But I really appreciated my MOH's ability to just help me sort through things. It's obvious you have nothing but the best intentions. Patience, factual information, and support will win the day.

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